Parents have no interest

[niklas]

So far in my life, I have done pretty well for myself, by myself. I have gotten good grades most of my life, and my parents seem to never care. They give the occasional "good job." And that's it.

I am a twin; I'm the scholarly one. My brother has never done well in school; he never cared about education. He wants (or so he indecisively thinks) to join the marines. My mom spends most of her time trying desperately to dissuade him from joining, as does my sister; my dad wants him to not listen and do what he feels he wants, as does my other brother (my parents are divorced). Whenever our futures come up in conversation, his marine considerations take over conversations. I try to talk about my application to colleges, my future ambitions, my interests, etc., but I just get the "you seem to have it planned out" and back to my brother. I feel like they won't even realize I'm gone during college because they never talked to me anyway. The only time we've had a meaningful conversation in a while was when I got suspended sophomore year for something stupid. They told me how that may have f-ed my chances at colleges and such, and the topic was old news in a month. Back to normal. Out of the picture.

I feel like I have literally no-one to talk to about college; I'm on my own, as I have been my whole life, and I feel like no-one cares to find out anything about me. My parents don't even know why I want to be an aerospace engineer. I tell them my major, and they just say "oh cool, you'll be the rocket scientist in the family!" I got my AP scores back: 3 5's and a 4. A good job from my dad and back to his TV. I got my ACT with a 32. "Cool, hopefully that's good enough" from my mom. It's the same for everything.

As I write this, my dad and my older brother are having a lengthy talk about my twin joining the marines - again, probably for the 5th time - and I'm alone in my room. No-one has even asked where I am.

So I guess my question is this: how can I get my parents more interested in me? And more proud of where I've come on my own?

[ucbalumnus]

If they have no interest in your future plans, that may make it harder to deal with the cost of attending a university. Unless you somehow get a full ride scholarship like this one for mechanical engineering students (aerospace is a subarea of mechanical at many schools): Mechanical Engineering at UC Berkeley

[icedragon]

It seems, from your situation, that you are the "good" child, and thus does not need the attention that the "bad" child needs.

I understand that situation very well. I have two older step siblings. One is in and out of jail. Another got pregnate as a teen and just had her 3rd child at 22. I, on the other hand, am the good one. I finished HS (third in my class mind you), and the first one out of the bunch to go to a University to further my education. Sure, i got the whole "good job well done" type of thing, but it seemed like i was quickly forgotten. They're always doing stuff with them (going on a vacation for two weeks, which i wasn't informed of until the day before is one such occasion), and such.

Its annoying to the core, but you know what? I don't let it bother me (it used to, i won't lie). So what, who cares is my adittude as of right now. Why let it bring me down?

Take the high road to where it will take you and don't look back. Don't let it bother you, it isn't worth it in the end.

[niklas]

Alright; most of the time I stop caring about what they think, just got kinda depressed today. Thanks for the advice.

[starbright]

Have you thought of trying to share how you feel with your parents? Maybe talk to one alone?

They may seem like they dont care but really do! They just take your success and achievements for granted, as so many of us focus more on the problems, fears and stressors rather than appreciate where things are so good!

Also it may be a huge unspoken compliment that they have so much faith and confidence in you, and that you do so well on your own, that they just let you be.

I would not be surprised that if you shared how you see it, they would be shocked and have no idea...and tell you things that you had no idea they were thinking.

Finally, if they aren't college educated, they may not even 'get you' and may feel the school thing is out of their league and they can't help or just don't know what to say. That is how it was with my folks. I did make them ultra proud, which I saw later on, but they were just like your parents when I was your age. And the fact that I was on my own with it really turned me into a self sufficient person and that was hugely valuable in how well I did in university!

[MommaJ]

So tell US why you want to be an aerospace engineer! And don't hesitate use the Parents forum as a resource when you need help--sooo many knowledgeable and helpful parents here (also a few students who get snarky with their advice, but they can be ignored).

[niklas]

Alright. I want to be an AE, ultimately, to expand human influence off of earth. I want to see a future with humans colonizing other planets, quite simply. I feel like it will be a necessity and I really want to get us there because doing so will highly benefit to the longevity of the human race.

[starbright]

Wow, that is such a better answer to why a particular major than one ever sees on CC!

Are you working on a list of engineering schools, or is it too early?

[niklas]

Lol, thanks; I couldn't see myself doing anything else. Anyway, yes I do have choices in mind; so far, my choices are:

Reach:
Stanford
Cornell

Target:
UCLA
UCB

Safety:
UCSD
UCD (guaranteed bc of ELC)
Cal Poly Slo
University of Michigan Ann Harbor (maybe)

[starbright]

I don't know best for eng but I like it's consistency (it seems like you've done this quite thoughtfully). One question I have is UMich a safety? I thought similar selectivity to Ucb or ucla, no?

Have you figured out finances? I'm worried your parents aren't going to be paying for it.

Btw Colorado_mom is a fantastic person to PM for engineering school advice! She is one but also has been thru it as a parent and is generous with ideas. Tell her I sent you .

[niklas]

Lol, alright. As for UoM, not as selective; ~42% get in, and with low 30's ACT score at the 75 percentile. For finances, It'll be grants and loans; my parents will generally pay for my stuff if I seem like I know what I'm doing. They paid for my sister at UCLA, so they'll do it for me; although they did put the debt back on her later.

[robyrm2]

In some cases benign neglect is better than the alternative.... Look for affirmation elsewhere and don't worry to much about involving your parents. You have no control over them...and you hardly seem like someone who would become a 'squeaky wheel' to get their attention. Would you consider ROTC to pay for school? Might be a good fit for you.. or the Air Force Academy. Then you would have no dependence on them at all... carpe diem.

[Classof2015]

I totally agree with icedragon -- I, too, was forced into the position of 'the good child' because the siblings around me were so emotionally draining on my parents. They just didn't have any more time to give me, and it was easier for them to push me into the slot of "you don't need as much time because you're so good/smart/stable whatever." So it's like I was rewarded with less attention because I behaved. There was actually a book written about this a few years back.

I also agree that being under the parental spotlight isn't always a good thing. You sound like a smart level-headed kid who unfortunately has not gotten the attention you deserve, but one thing you realize as you grow up -- your parents (everyone's parents) are flawed, limited, human beings. They love you, but they aren't perfect.

The twin thing must make them second guess themselves as parents -- same child, same upbringing, same age -- one is you, the other one is the difficult unfocused one. Parents beat themselves up about how their kids turn out. Even though they don't say it, I'm sure they are so proud of you.

Good luck.

[bookworm]

OP,
I'd add Caltech to your list. They have a new AE building. Being private, financial aid may work in your favor.

[tsdad]

Go watch the John Hughes film 16 Candles, Sixteen Candles (1984) - IMDb. Not exactly on point for your situation, but near enough.