The comments are starting

[sylvan8798]

Sometimes things come up even if you didn't intend. Were visiting in-laws and planning a road trip home with some college stops for D. Initially intended to swing through Philadelphia, Drexel in particular, although the timing ultimately didn't work out. MIL dragged me aside and said "why do you want to go there" which she spit out like it was bad whiskey. (Apparently the neighborhood is bad, although she didn't mention it when nephew applied to Penn last year?)

[LBowie]

And don't expect it to end after the decision is made. When I told my friend where my son is (delighted to be) going, he told me he knew a girl from our town who "didn't like it there" and almost transfered but decided to stick it out. And then he mentioned that when his own son applied there several years ago, the school lost his application. Hmmm -- not too hard to see the psychology behind the first comment in light of the second. (And yes, my son was possibly in earshot of the conversation.)

[drmom123]

even my DD is getting comments from friends when she says what schools she may want to go to....they tell her 'oh, you can do better'.....I told her to not only smile and nod, but to stop talking about schools, grades, GPA's and scores...

[lmkh70]

Oh my gosh! We so get that here! To top it off, we have 2 kids where one is thought to be an over achiever and the other, an under achiever. But the under-achiever has some special needs and they have equal SAT scores. I get constant remarks that are just flat out cutting with regards to schools they are looking at and their choices and so on.

[charlieschm]

While a person is thinking about where to apply, friends and relatives may be able to offer some helpful comments. However, once a student announces that they have made their decision and sent in their deposit, that is not the time for criticism or second guessing - unless it is clear they will be over their head financially or taking a totally useless major.

[lmkh70]

My daughter wants to go to Washington U in St. Louis. My cousin went there and made a real push for it so we are going to look at it. My husband and his mother is all over what a terrible place to go because St. Louis is one of the worst places ever to live and so on. At this point, it is toward the top of my daughter's school list. Pretty much, her entire list is reaching scrutiny. Northwestern..she was told she has to go to U of Chicago if she goes that direction because her dad went to U of Chicago, but she is a music major!, Oberlin...again...music major. Carleton College...my brother swears it is an unknown school so she will never get a job after. Carleton will only happen if she changes her mind about being a music major, my sister went there and loved it..can we say sibling rivalry?

My son was considering Texas Tech. My brother (an T&M graduate school grad) insists Tech is nothing more than a party school for those who could not get in elsewhere. Austin College and Baylor are on the list for my son. My brother feels no college except A&M matters (ok..so my brother is an Aggie, apparently, this is a common attitude amongst Aggies). My little sister would rather see her kids 6+ hrs away within the state than go 2 hours across the border in to another bordering state.

But my inlaws are the worst. For financial reasons, we are considering having son go to community college first and then the 4 yr school. So my inlaws say in front of my son, and to everyone else, that he must be a flunky if he is considering community college. Just lovely..huh?

[Mom2M]

Our D will be graduating in a month, then off to college. We answered immediate family with more specifics (somewhat depending on who was asking--Aunt who knows her well, has best interests at heart, and asks parent got more info than the Aunt who doesn't know her at all, wants to "top that" every time you talk to her, ambushed D at Grandmas birthday--you get the idea). Most folks got the "she's working on her list". When decision time was approaching, we switched to "she has many wonderful options, but no decision yet". Once she decided, we respond with "she's going to XXX, she's so excited".

Most of the comments have been very generous and supportive. Rude distant cousin has been fluffed off with no real information (wanted to know how much scholarship, if we were going to be broke paying for college, etc. At a funeral. Did I mention rude?) A few misguided folks have had to be gently steered to the positive....ie did you know the most recent acceptance rate is XX? Did you hear about their program in Y? or whatever it takes to get them on track in front of your kid.

Keep in mind for many folks, this is just a topic of conversation. This isn't the emotionally charged, difficult decision you and your student are living. It's just something to talk about, and they don't put much thought into what they say. If that's the basis for the conversation, a quick response (working on the list) is all that's needed. If they have information to offer, consider the info, but follow up as mentioned by an earlier post.

[kjcphmom]

When I run into parents of my children's past school friends, usually my first question is about college choices. Most of the time its just something to bring up as the kids are sometimes the only thing we have in common. I think this is why relatives do it also they don't know what else to ask your kids.

Also, in my case, with my time on CC I am fascinated why people choose their colleges, and it also brings up choices that I didn't even consider for my children. I try not to be rude, usually I say "I hear that is a good school" etc. If asked about my kids' choices, I have heard the gamut of "its too cold there" "I don't understand why anyone would go anywhere but our state flagship" "what an ugly school" "smart kids don't go there" etc. Most of the time I nod politely as I know that my child and I know what is best for him/us.

[mamabear1234]

I give my standard line when people ask me - She's is interested in schools all over the place. She still gets lots of suggestions of schools to add to her list, which is big enough, thank you very much! When she used to tell people schools she was interested in, people would say 'my S found Swarthmore too snooty' or 'you DON"T want to apply to Princeton!' So we have stopped sharing with most people.

It's not just parents, kids do it too. One of D's senior friends got a lot of negative reactions to her first choice from other students, and was doubting herself for a while.

[jym626]

On a related note, when older s ordered his HS ring, he ordered the cheapest one he could get. The material it claimed to be made of (ie not gold or silver) was something they called "celestrium", which is apparently stainless steel. When his friends asked which ring he chose he'd tell them the one made of "cheapskatium". Some got it, but many did not.

[SansSerif]

Slyvan8798 - Drexel and Penn are literally right next to each other. I worked in that neighborhood for 13 years. It has its good parts and bad parts, but I have seen it get better and better, mostly because of investment from Penn. I walked around at lunch time, I went out after work, I had no problem.

I think it's the same story as you'd have in any city - use some common sense and you'll be fine. Most of the neighborhood is fine.

[austinareadad]

Regarding mamabear's comment, my S is just a sophomore but he has already worked on his college list and has, I think, developed a good one. But now he has a girlfriend and he apparently discussed it with her, and she has told him that she is not impressed with his list, and he should be considering a completely different set of schools. So far he has not wavered, but I find the potential for interference by a not-so-well-informed romantic partner of his quite disturbing.

[Marsian]

musica -- I like your advice!

[TheGFG]

My D is a sophomore, and very happy at her school. Can you believe this week H and I ran into an acquaintance whose D is graduating this year. He told us he feels bad that our D went where she went, and that she'd have been better off at a different school!!! Now, it's not as though there isn't some cause to say that if you're in the know about her current athletic career, but it was rude regardless.

[texaspg]

Rather than smile and nod - ask people to justify their comments. The real issue with people making statements is that it tends to stick in a teenager's mind and they are impressionable in any number of ways. It is no different than what austinareadad is saying about his son's GF. She might be gone in 6 months but the damage has been done.

As long as you force them to justify the comment, one has a reference - so and so hates that school because of XYZ and XYZ is not relevant to me.