College freshman failing - parent advice pls

noteasy2bparent · 06-10-2012, 11:58 AM

Our son is a college freshman at a leading university.
He did not do well in the first semester, his GPA was just about 2.0.
His GPA went down further the 2nd semester with 2F's and 2B's.
We're devastated and worried about him. We already had a talk with him about the severity of the situation. He has a girlfriend going to the same college. According to him, his gf is doing OK.

We believe that he's going to try harder. However, we are afraid that his relationship with his gf distracts him and wanted to talk to his gf in private, asking her if she cares about him, helps him to focus on studying. However, we're not sure if this is the right thing to do.
Any advice?

tptshorty · 06-10-2012, 12:09 PM

Do not talk to the girlfriend. Too weird.
Maybe having a girlfriend is affecting his grades, but she is not responsible for that. He is. It's his responsibility to learn how to balance academics and social life. It's part of the learning process of college. Maybe it's an expensive lesson (in terms of tuition and GPA) but many kids waste freshman year doing a version of your son's flameout. He's got three more years to get it together. Most do. This is a very common freshman year scenario. That being said, you should try to analyze the situation. Is his just being lazy, or is he in over his head? What are the 2 F's in? You also might want to evaluate him for signs of depression, drug or alcohol abuse, etc.

My advice would be give him some clear expectations (that don't involve the girlfriend) of what he needs to do if he expects you to keep paying for his education . For example, he needs to pass all his classes in the fall. If he doesn't, you will stop paying, and he will need to find a way to support himself.

Classof2015 · 06-10-2012, 12:38 PM

I'm in the same boat. D finished freshman year with a 2.1 GPA at a top 20 school. Fall was abysmal -- only took 3 courses, got an F, a C+ and an A-. The A- to me means she can do well if she likes the class/works hard. Spring she got a D, C, B- and B (miraculous compared to the fall).

It it very frustrating. I try to talk to her when I see an opening, and she's home now so I feel like some of what I'm saying is sinking in. Here's what I've got so far (some of these may apply to your child):
too much partying
too much freedom
classes being harder than AP classes senior year (which are supposed to be "at college level" but there's still a big difference
not correctly understanding feedback from professor (one prof told D she could turn in assignments over Xmas break; D did so; prof said "they're too late!"). So either prof was misleading or D misunderstood
thinking they can slack off in the beginning then pour on the effort at the end and pull out a B like in high school
Not getting help
Not realizing they may have executive function issues or ADD
Taking classes that only have a final (vs. getting feedback on their progress via quizzes, tests, papers)
Taking classes with bad teachers (I really don't think this is it)

This is what I told her: you have one more year (sophomore year) to pull it together. If you get bad grades in the fall term coming up, you will apply to a state school. I'm not paying $60K for these kinds of grades.

Keep trying to figure out what happened, but at some point, you've got to make it very clear what the repercussions are.

Good luck.

moonchild · 06-10-2012, 12:51 PM

Agree with tptshorty. Ask him to come up with a plan that will help him pass his courses next semester. This requires looking at what made him do poorly this semester. A plan might involve studying during the week and limiting social time to the weekends. It might look like moving his study area to the library from his dorm room, if he is too distracted where he lives. It might mean talking to the professors- making good use of the office hours to make sure he is on track for papers and assignments. Or all of the above.
He needs to step up and figure out what went wrong. Along with the consequence of no more funding unless he passes his classes, that should be enough.
Don't interfere directly with the gf. When things go south in the relationship, you don't want to be the reason. And it's not her responsibility to make sure he does what it takes. It's his.

GladGradDad · 06-10-2012, 12:55 PM

Quote:

wanted to talk to his gf in private, asking her if she cares about him, helps him to focus on studying.

This isn't the GF's issue - it's your S's issue. You should be discussing this with him - not her. On top of that, it'd be very awkward to discuss this with the GF and your S would likely justifiably be quite unhappy with you for doing so.

Marian · 06-10-2012, 01:10 PM

To both the OP and Class of 2015: Don't rule out the possibility that the student's academic problems may be of academic origin.

Some college classes are graded entirely on the basis of two or three high-stakes exams. Students who were accustomed to being tested on smaller chunks of material in high school may be ill-prepared for this. They may not have the skills to master such a large quantity of material effectively before each exam.

Some college courses are graded largely on the basis of papers or essay tests, yet many students come into college with inadequate writing skills.

Some fields require a solid understanding of math, but many students -- including some who got decent grades in math in high school -- have a lot of confusion about math, including basic algebra skills.

Some students don't understand how to study, period. They didn't need to do it in high school, and now that they have to, they're overwhelmed.

And some people are in majors that are ill-suited for their talents.

Could any of these factors have contributed to your student's problems? If they did, there may be ways to address them on campus (tutoring, using the Writing Center, changing majors, etc.). Merely trying harder, using methods that have not been working, may not be the answer.

[Edited to add: In my experience, having a boyfriend/girlfriend on the same campus is, if anything, less disruptive than trying to carry on a long-distance relationship or spending your time trying to find someone with whom to have a relationship. Many campus couples are quite settled and serious.]

ordinarylives · 06-10-2012, 01:38 PM

My response to my child should the parents of an SO discuss her role in SO's academic difficulty? Run Away from that kid! That is never going to be a healthy relationship as it looks like mom and dad blame others for SO's problem or expect others to pick up SO's slack. So, no, don't talk to gf privately. Neither you or your S can come out of that looking good.

Lots of agreement with what Marian said. Ofttimes "too much partying" is a cover for academic issues. It's easier for kids to admit than to say they are having trouble with the material they're supposed to be learning.

SLACFac · 06-10-2012, 01:52 PM

The number one thing that has helped my advisees who are struggling (assuming that serious physical or mental health issues have been ruled out) is going to see the professors who teach the courses that they find difficult. Most people who are struggling in a purely academic sense are doing so for one of three reasons: 1) they truly don't understand the material; 2) they have terrible study habits; or 3) they are having a hard time with the structure of the course, much in the way that Marian suggested in post #6.

Regularly meeting with a professor is a great way to 1) receive help with the material (if there are serious deficiencies, the student may be referred to a center on campus that is better equipped to deal with that); 2) create more regular study habits (the student feels accountable to the professor); and 3) learn more about the types of assignments in the course and get tips on how to maximize performance on those types of assignments.

Students should not expect the professor to spend 2-3 hours a week working with them individually to re-teach the course, and students need to be prepared with questions and take responsibility for their visits with professors. This strategy doesn't always work; sometimes the student's study habits/work ethic/desire to succeed are so poor that they cannot be overcome by professorial intervention. However, in my experience, this has proved to be the most effective remedy to help students who are struggling academically.

MaineLonghorn · 06-10-2012, 01:55 PM

OP, does your son seem depressed? Have you thought about having him evaluated by a psychologist or psychiatrist? 18 or 19 is a very common age for mental illness to appear in people. It happened to my son and I have more friends than you would expect whose kids have gone through similar onsets. Just a thought!

menloparkmom · 06-10-2012, 02:07 PM

For most students, college classes are a LOT harder than HS. And for many students , often for the first time, they are now the only ones responsible for getting themselves up on time, going to class, sleeping enough, doing homework, without mom or dad nearby to remind them. For some, it its real wake up call and takes a lot of adjustment. Bad grades during the first year can be that wake up call.
If a student is doing poorly in class, because they dont understand the material, they need to go see profs during office hours.

colorado_mom · 06-10-2012, 03:46 PM

This scenario is more common than you'd think considering the fact that only top hs students get admitted to top colleges. But college academics are more demanding and there is a lot of things (for class and for life) that need to be juggled.

The kids that skated through hs seem to be more vulnerable to college failure.... especially if they are too proud to ask for help.

mom2collegekids · 06-10-2012, 04:35 PM

It is true that for many students, college is harder than high school. In high school, teachers often put "bonus questions" on tests to help boost scores....or they give out extra credit assignments . Or, as the one parent stated, they coasted for awhile and then crammed and pulled out a B. It doesn't work that way in college.

pugmadkate · 06-10-2012, 05:52 PM

Do not talk to the girlfriend. The issue is your son, focus on him.

bluebayou · 06-10-2012, 06:31 PM

Quote:

at a top 20 school. Fall was abysmal -- only took 3 courses, got an F, a C+ and an A-.

F's are extremely rare at top colleges (assuming it's not a public). Thus, your D really had to mess up to deserve that grade. Before spending the big bucks on next year, I'd suggest counseling (assuming no health issues).

PackMom · 06-10-2012, 06:37 PM

Can your D retake the D and F classes for grades replacements to boost her gpa?
My S2 got 4 F's and 2 D's his first semester. He was able to retake three of the four classes. The improved grades took the place of the F's and got him off academic probation. I kept close tabs on his academics the next semester. He got on track and handled it on his own from then on.