Moving when youngest is in college

Merrymaid4 · 06-11-2012, 04:17 PM

To prefix this post, I was raised with an abnormally high level guilt in my formative years so when it comes to my kids, I always had a hard time making decisions concerning them and then living with the guilt that I had ruined them. Yes, yes, I can hear a collective head-shaking and my husband would be right next to the head-shakers. (:

So, with that in mind, we have planned to sell and downsize as soon as the youngest was up and running. I was way too pre-guilt ridden to ever consider it prior to this.

Son is heading into his sophmore year and we are always looking at homes etc and with the historically low interest rates right now have stepped it up notch.

And we found "THE HOUSE".

When ds found out, he had a melt-down! And I quote: "you're being selfish, what about my friends, (small town upbringing with life-long friends) I'll have to drive so far to see them (20 minutes)......" and tears!!!!!!!

So my mother guilt is in High Alert yet this house is practically perfect in every way and what's not is correctable if not doable. And the interest rates: 2.9% !!!!

Without entirely condemning my ds for being a teen with narrow thinking, I need to make a decision of how to proceed......

Classof2015 · 06-11-2012, 04:19 PM

Do what's good for you. Teen is being selfish, or he's using behavior that has worked before to get you to do what he wants. Rates are low; you found a house you love -- go for it! Put the guilt out at the curb for recycling.

MyLB · 06-11-2012, 04:26 PM

If your mind is made up then I think you become very sympathetic to your kids without budging an inch. You can validate their feelings and be sympathetic to their sadness without knuckling under. ("I'm sorry this makes you so sad. I'm going to miss this house too." etc.)

eastcoascrazy · 06-11-2012, 04:27 PM

"I'll have to drive so far to see them (20 minutes)."

Your son lost all possibility of any sympathy from me. 20 minutes? Sheesh, my daughter has friends who attend the same suburban public high school who live 20 minutes away. It is not a hardship, and she doesn't even have a drivers license yet.

MommaJ · 06-11-2012, 04:27 PM

Oh please. In a couple of years your son could be living hundreds of miles away from those friends. Your guilt is completely inappropriate. Tantrums should be ignored, whether at age 3 or age 19. Good luck with the new home!

musicamusica · 06-11-2012, 04:30 PM

Blow his nose,wipe his tears and then tell him to put his big-boy pants on.

partyof5 · 06-11-2012, 04:34 PM

Let me get this straight...your son is a sophomore in college, and he is having a meltdown about you moving to a different house in the same city??? Too bad, so sad, as the saying goes, he'll get over it..geesh

LBowie · 06-11-2012, 04:35 PM

When I first started reading this thread, I assumed you were moving cross-country or something! Jump on the cheap loan! Get the house! Your son will get over it. Maybe he has it out of his system already.

dentmom4 · 06-11-2012, 04:36 PM

Get the new house! 20 minutes? Seriously? My DD's high school has 1000 kids. She regularly drives 20 mins to visit her friends.

Be very sympathetic and understand his sense of loss, but,honestly, he will get over it. I understand your guilt feelings, but you have raised him this way and it has worked in the past. Time to ask his input about his new room....

Merrymaid4 · 06-11-2012, 04:42 PM

Wow! I guess ds really has a marshmallow for a mother!

When it comes down to the final decision, his feelings would be validated but this house truly fits our wants so well he would have to acquiesce to mom and dad this time. As stated, in two-three years, he's moving on and we're staying put.

And as the baby of four and alone with mom and dad for 7 years, he does have a bit of a hold over us.....he is a doll of a young man; this just isn't sitting with him that well....As for the 20 minute drive to the old town, his "argument" was that his friends are last minute planners for getting together. I told him, "Guess you'll have to amend that behavior bit......"

Thanks for the support....I'm feeling less guilty already(:

vlines · 06-11-2012, 04:55 PM

Quote:

When it comes down to the final decision, his feelings would be validated

I am glad you will validate his feelings of sadness because you are moving from your long term home. We all go through that, and you have more "history" in that home than he ever will!!

I just hope that you have made it clear to him that you are not asking for his permision, rather informing him of the plan. He really does not have a vote in your decision.

Sounds like a great opportunity for you..congratulations!

jym626 · 06-11-2012, 05:00 PM

I am betting he will get over it in... 3 days tops. Did he know you were thinking of downsizing when they were all out of the house or was this a shock to him? I'll bet when he sees the house, the opportunity to hang out there with friends and whatever other benefits it might have, he'll finish grieving the loss of his childhood and cope. Is he home this summer? Will he help with the move? Have you even put your current house on the market? Probably by nest summer he'll have a job or internship elsewhere and wont even be home. Really- he'll get over it.

sylvan8798 · 06-11-2012, 05:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merrymaid4

And I quote: "you're being selfish, what about my friends, (small town upbringing with life-long friends) I'll have to drive so far to see them (20 minutes)......" and tears!!!!!!!

I doubt that this is really about the extra drive time. Sometimes we just jump at the first plausible idea that comes to mind, when in reality there is a deeper issue(s). The sudden change from a home he grew up in, the sense of anxiety associated with you moving to a phase of your lives where he is not central, the feeling that he will not have a "home" to go to, etc. are more complicated and harder to express in words. Talking about those deeper things can help to bring them out and reconcile them.

He will adjust, but meanwhile, you can show that the new house still has a place for him and try to bring the feeling of home along with you when you move

.

FlyMeToTheMoon · 06-11-2012, 05:47 PM

I think this may have more to do with grieving the loss of his childhood home, than his selfishness. He will get over it, and years from now you all can laugh about it, but for now, proceed with what's best for you, and validate.

Sop14's Mom · 06-11-2012, 06:37 PM

My youngest does not like change. I started telling him several years ago that I will be downsizing after he goes to college. You have to do what's best for you.