Do I come home enough?

[xxpixel8xx]

I wanted to ask this question to parents as it seems you could give me the best answer. I go to college roughly six hours away and I have a very independent life. I have a great friends at school, I'm doing research, and going in to my senior year. My mother has been flipping out on me saying that I don't come home enough instead of being happy that I've went out and made a life. I come home for thanksgiving, majority of Christmas break (spend a week with my gf in Chicago before Christmas) and a month out of summer break (once again I spend the majority of it with my gf of three years). I feel as if I'm being an adult and this was her opportunity to go out and do what she wants to do. I don't want to be held up at home.

[MizzBee]

I think that is plenty! The month in the summer is more than I expect, especially if work and research interferes.

[MD Mom]

My daughter comes home about the same as you. I am happy to see her any time, but I don't really pester her to come home more. She does not have much to do here. I am happy when she is happy, and if I ask her to come home, like for her brother's graduation, she does.

[BCEagle91]

How about offering a few emails or IMs per week?

[Shrinkrap]

"I feel as if I'm being an adult and this was her opportunity to go out and do what she wants to do"

That could mean SO many things. One extreme is the student paying all the college, health insurance, housing and food bills, summer included, and parents sizing down to a condo and summers in the Mediterranean.

[cobrat]

I would say yes considering I came home at around the same rate.

Only difference was I was home for most of the summers...but never came home for Thanksgivings as that was too close to finals time for my taste.

If your mother is complaining about this when you're going into your senior year of college, you and/or a trusted adult(father, uncle, aunt, etc) need to have a heart-to-heart talk with her about her needing to learn how to let go....especially considering you're probably already 20-21....well above legal adult age.

[familyof3boys]

My mother has been flipping out on me saying that I don't come home enough instead of being happy that I've went out and made a life.

Sure, we may say that you come home often enough. But, your Mom doesn't feel like it's enough. So, I'd recommend that you call her more often and let her know what you're up to. She is concerned about you, for whatever reason (maybe it has noting to do with you at all...) and wants for you to be in touch more. Since it sounds like you are concerned about her, I'd just try to call yourMom more often and let her know what's going on in your life. Hopefully, she will relax a bit more. Good luck

[mathmom]

I recommend Skype, it really helps one feel in touch. We saw our oldest for about the same length of time except we got a week at spring breaks and even less in the summer since he had internships on the opposite coast. It's hard for us to let our kids go.

[moonchild]

How often do you call just to chat and let her know what you're up to?
My son was only an hour or so away, and he came home about the same amount as you are, BUT, he called us every week, whether we needed it or not. We just wanted to hear how he was doing. The calls were 10 minutes out of his life.
He's been out of school for two years and still calls on the weekend. I look forward to it. We rarely bother him about stuff during the week because we know we'll hear from him soon.
Now that he's older, he seems to actually be interested in how WE are! Amazing!

[Olymom]

When I read OP's post, I definitely get the feeling that he's the center of his world. What is going on in Mom's world?

Like OP, I galloped through senior year and rarely gave a thought to what my folks were doing. They were static in my mind (always had been there, so I assumed they always would be there). I didn't realize my mother's heart disease was worsening. She died at age 54.

OP's mom may be the picture of health -- but you don't know that unless you ask. She may also simply wish for a little receiving instead of so much giving. If you zoomed home for a week and busted your tail doing trash runs, mowing the lawn, painting the bathroom and regrouting the shower tiles, you'd be giving Mom a chance to sing your praises to all her relatives and friends. Are you, instead, only taking $$ and not giving back?

For a real chance to earn happy points, go home by yourself for a couple of hard week's labor and then have GF down for a week with the notion that GF is in on the plot to sweeten Mama. Fix dinner for Mama every night. Ask her opinion on things. Get her to tell the family history to GF. Do a family project, like make a family website or scrapbook.

Do I hear the sound of groaning? Well, look at it from her viewpoint. She's spent years of her life sacrificing for you to get ahead (even if you are from a wealthy family, she could have spent tuition dollars on herself). She loves you and is proud of your accomplishments and wishes you well. But what does she have to SHOW for all this sacrifice?

Please know that parenting has some comparison aspects. Mom may not care that the neighbor's kid earned a PhD and MD while on a full Fullbright (or some other over the top combo) -- but she's at least like to have an entry in the "What's new with your kid" conversation at the neighborhood BBQ. Saying "Tony was home a month last summer" is pretty sad pickings.

Do a scientific experiment (as you state you are a researcher). Devote some energy to physical things that she can SHOW as tangible proof of your love (the painted bathroom, the family recipe book you produced in elegant fonts, etc) and see if the tone and temperature changes.

[davidthefat]

Why not use skype as an appeasement? It's not inconvenient to take 15 minutes out of your week to chat.

[insomniatic]

Well, look at it from her viewpoint. She's spent years of her life sacrificing for you to get ahead (even if you are from a wealthy family, she could have spent tuition dollars on herself).

It's called being a parent. If you don't want the sacrifice, then don't have kids.

[xxpixel8xx]

I just wanted to say I do call once a week and usually speak for a hour or two. I tried to hold a conversation, but she doesn't like my gf for some reason. If I attempt to speak about her she just ignores me. Also she lives in a brand new town home so there is not much to do to the home when I come home. Also I do pay for some of the college. I footed the bill for summer tuition considering that my scholarship does not cover summer. My father also pays for the majority of my cost although he makes less money over all. I could attempt to call more, but I'm not sure what to talk about when I'm spending time with my gf considering she doesn't want to hear about that.

[insomniatic]

I just wanted to say I do call once a week and usually speak for a hour or two. I tried to hold a conversation, but she doesn't like my gf for some reason. If I attempt to speak about her she just ignores me. Also she lives in a brand new town home so there is not much to do to the home when I come home. Also I do pay for some of the college. I footed the bill for summer tuition considering that my scholarship does not cover summer. My father also pays for the majority of my cost although he makes less money over all. I could attempt to call more, but I'm not sure what to talk about when I'm spending time with my gf considering she doesn't want to hear about that.

An hour or two a week is more than enough. You are doing all the right things and you have nothing to worry about. Sounds to me she is just taking out her dislike for your girlfriend out on you.

[Pizzagirl]

You can show a little interest in your mother's life, even if you fake it. It's called being an adult. Do you ask HER about what's new, her feelings, how other relatives are doing?

Mine only came home Tgiving, Xmas and spring break and we all thought that was fine - but clearly her feelings are hurt someplace in the process.