Roommate Drug use

PaddyJ17 · 07-11-2012, 10:43 AM

Hi, My D will be a freshman at American University this September
I recently read an email from her new roommate stating that she
"has been smoking alot of weed the last 3 weeks".
My D does not use drugs, she doesn't smoke and she doesn't drink.
My D does not know I saw the email. I'm worried she's going to have a terrible year.
Help!!
Where do I go with this ?
Thanks

moonchild · 07-11-2012, 11:02 AM

Nowhere. Another troll post?

PaddyJ17 · 07-11-2012, 11:07 AM

What do you mean another troll post?

romanigypsyeyes · 07-11-2012, 11:10 AM

YOU don't do anything. Your D has to live with the roommate, not you.

Btw I'm pretty sure it's illegal to read other people's emails if they're adults. Quit snooping.

moonchild · 07-11-2012, 11:20 AM

This summer we have had a lot of "new posters" coming in with somewhat leading questions such as yours that are sure to bring up controversy. Mostly kids, posing as adults.
My question is, what parent manages to get their kid to college age and doesn't know how to deal with something like this without coming to a message board? It just seems so unlikely to me. (hence the troll question)
You haven't discussed drug use with your DD? Is she so incompetent that she can't handle a problem like this, if it becomes a problem?
Many colleges students drink, and some do drugs. If she can't figure out where she stands and how to handle herself in an environment like this, she isn't ready for a residential college situation.

maidenMom · 07-11-2012, 11:32 AM

^^^ditto^^^

blueiguana · 07-11-2012, 11:43 AM

^ Totally agree. The time to have these discussions is long, long past. Your student, unless they have been extremely sheltered, has very likely already been offered drugs and made the decision to accept or not. Some students are non drug users but are also in the camp of 'live and let live' as long as it doesn't affect me. Your daughter may otherwise have a respectful relationship with this girl and go through the year with no problems. I'd be far more concerned about the roommate that has her boyfriend move in 24/7. That will make your life miserable. They don't have to be best friends, they just need to share a room amiably.

And yes, stay out of her email, off her facebook, and give her the privacy she deserves.

emeraldkity4 · 07-11-2012, 12:31 PM

I'm sure smoking isnt allowed indoors. Make sure they know that if they use it in cooking the effects intensifies.
Oh & stay out of your child's private communication.

BCEagle91 · 07-11-2012, 12:38 PM

Son had to deal with something close to this at an internship with housing. He walked into a dorm (there were parties in open dorm rooms) and there were drugs and paraphernalia in the living room. He saw the stuff and exited the room. That was relatively easy because he didn't live there.

The bigger problem in your daughter's case is if her roommate gets caught and your daughter gets charged or disciplined. If you've done a good job as a parent, then your daughter shouldn't have a user problem. But there could be the problem of guilt by proximity.

One other thing: make sure that your daughter goes through the school handbook thoroughly before starting - that's generally good advice for any student.

GreatKid · 07-11-2012, 12:44 PM

If the drug use of the room mate influences or effects your daughter's circumstances in any way the room mate gets turned in. End of story! No young person should have to be made to feel uncomfortable or placed in an at risk situation because they are in the company of. So they either take it else where or they get turned in.

QuantMech · 07-11-2012, 01:50 PM

I see this as a problem (and not one of trolling). In a lot of universities, being co-resident with a person who has drugs of any variety in the room can cause problems. As a freshman, my spouse had an older roommate who used drugs. Spouse told the roommate that he (spouse) had a scholarship he could lose if there were drugs in the room, and the roommate agreed to keep them elsewhere. Spouse moved to a different room within about 2 weeks, anyway.

DowneasterDad · 07-11-2012, 03:11 PM

@moonchild "My question is, what parent manages to get their kid to college age and doesn't know how to deal with something like this without coming to a message board? It just seems so unlikely to me. (hence the troll question) You haven't discussed drug use with your DD? Is she so incompetent that she can't handle a problem like this, if it becomes a problem? Many colleges students drink, and some do drugs. If she can't figure out where she stands and how to handle herself in an environment like this, she isn't ready for a residential college situation."

This a bit harsh . . . OP never said anything about her Daughter not being able to handle the situation, the OP merely is worried that if the daughter has to deal with this situation, there's a potential that it can ruin her first-year experience; which is a legitimate concern for any parent.

My advice is to come clean about coming across and reading the email and then voice your concerns. Sure, the invasion of privacy issue might sting your relationship, but it happened, no sense avoiding it or the contents of the email. Who knows, there's a chance your daughter is just as concerned and wondering whether she should bring it up in a conversatin with you as well.

ECAdmStudent · 07-11-2012, 03:21 PM

I'm a Resident Assistant, here are my recommendations.

If your D complains,
1. Recommend that she talk with her roommate about it first to try to get the roommate to smoke elsewhere/keep the substances out of the room. It's best for the long-term situation if the issue is resolved interpersonally.

2. If after talking with her roommate the situation isn't resolved, SHE (not the parent) should talk to the RA for her floor about the situation. Depending on local and school laws and regulations, having marijuana in the room may result in penalties for both students, so it is in her best interest to do so - ESPECIALLY if there is smoking going on in the room.

3. If the RA fails to resolve the situation, then the parent can/should get involved - talk to the Area Director or Coordinator who supervises the RAs for the area.

This is a time for your D to learn how to be independent - let her handle the situation as much as possible. It will help her be more assertive and learn how to manage interpersonal conflicts. If she chooses to partake, then that's her choice and she will either learn to be discreet or learn the hard way not to smoke. Hopefully, she will make the right choices for herself and will become a better person for it.

GladGradDad · 07-11-2012, 03:27 PM

While this looks like a troll post to me as well, the scenario is a common one.

I'll ignore the point of reading the email since that's not relevant to the drug question and if it's a troll post isn't true anyway.

You could handle this in a generic way and you should cover this scenario anyway even without any specific knowledge of the roomie. Before heading off to college your D needs to understand that she doesn't need to tolerate certain roomie behavior, her own liabilities due to the roomie's behavior, and what recourse she has.

If the roomie wants to smoke weed then that has nothing to do with your D, UNLESS - the roomie smokes it in her room, stores or brings it and other drugs/alcohol into the room, etc. in which case your D needs to stand up for herself, get assertive, and tell the roomie she can't have or use it in the room and if the roomie refuses to comply then your D needs to see the RA right away and request another room. If another room isn't available right away then she should at least insist on it being documented that she's filed the complaint so she won't be held accountable in the event of the illegal substances being found in the room and she should continue to pursue it and if the RA isn't addressing the issue she needs to go up the chain to the next level.

If the roomie actually smokes it (or anything) while your D is in the room she should immediately report the roomie (assuming the discussion with the roomie has already taken place and the roomie isn't complying). Your D shouldn't have to breathe the second-hand smoke or have to be around illegal activities.

Just assume the roomie's activities with illegal substances aren't limited to weed - there's a good chance it includes abusing other substances as well.

DeskPotato · 07-11-2012, 03:39 PM

If your daughter is very uncomfortable with the idea of a roommate who smokes marijuana, she might consider whether she'd like to live in the substance-free Living & Learning Community. There are still rooms available in that program, according to the director of residential programs.

We learned at parent orientation that close to 60% of the students don't drink, but of those that do, it sounds as if very few do so responsibly.

Is your daughter uncomfortable, or are you? I think it's entirely legitimate for a kid to say that's not the environment they'd enjoy...but if you're the only one concerned, your daughter will probably be able to handle things. If there's anything they have in abundance at American, it's advisors/counselors/mentors/etc...she can get help if it's a problem.