Mentioning a sibling death? Yes or No?

rrah · 07-20-2012, 08:18 AM

My niece will be applying for college this fall. She wants to attend the state university in our hometown (about 1/2 hour from home) to remain close to her family. This was not her original plan, but things change. Her scores and grades place her on the low end of admission stats. Admission is generally number based, but it is possible to write an essay and include recommendations. She will do so.

The question is how or should she mention the death of a sibling two years ago? At the time she was starting her sophomore year in high school. It was the second day of school. Her brother died very unexpectedly and suddenly. One day he was seemingly fine, and the next day he passed away. He was a special needs child and truly the light of our family. Those of you that have or know a special needs child understand the family dynamic.

This loss definitely impacted her grades that year. She did fine, but she did do better her junior year. It also impacted her performance in her sport. She went from being a top contender to less than that.

She doesn't want to use this loss as an excuse, but it did effect her tremendously. This is also the reason she wants to stay closer to home. Her high school counselor has changed since her sophomore year and is unlikely aware of the full situation.

Having learned so much from the people here when my older child was going through the selection and admissions process, I thought that some might have some suggestions as to how to approach this without being morbid or "whoa is me."

minoafrau · 07-20-2012, 08:28 AM

This sounds like something that should be addressed in detail by the counselor, in the counselor's letter to admissions.

Your niece could write about her sibling in an essay that wasn't just " my sibling died and that's why all my performance went down hill." Did they share a special activity they enjoyed together? Was there something in particular she learned about life from having a special needs child as a sibling? The point of the essay is always to reveal something about yourself (as well as some solid writing) so I would imagine there are a lot of possibilities here.

mathmom · 07-20-2012, 08:51 AM

She should talk to the GC and ask her to mention that she had that extra stress her sophomore year. Sometimes a parent will be asked to provide the GC with insights too (via a brag sheet) and that is a good way to pass on the information as well. In my "brag sheet" I mentioned that ds had refused to continue on with a 504 plan he'd had in middle school and that there were a couple of courses that it affected his grades in because he no longer had extra time.

If she wants to write an essay about what she learned from her sibling - that would be a fine subject for an essay, but she shouldn't feel obliged to.

WordWorld · 07-20-2012, 11:10 AM

I agree with the others that this is something that a counselor is best for factually explaining why her grades went down sophomore year. It is really up to your niece as to whether she wants to address it in an essay, if so it should be uplifting, not pitying. I guess that is pretty obvious, just my 2 cents.

beolein · 07-21-2012, 08:43 AM

Agreed on the other advice concerning the guidance counselor. As for the essay, a good one would be to focus on what she learned from her brother, and only at the end, fold in the fact that he died recently. After that, write how the memory of him continues to help her (and say how).

paying3tuitions · 07-21-2012, 01:26 PM

If your school has no regular way (like mathmom's school's "bragsheet") for you to express yourself to the GC...then:

My way would be to request a 3-way meeting (you, your child and the new GC) in which the child is allowed to express to the GC what was the impact, in that year, of the loss of her sibling...and how, in the child's personal opinion, this was a big factor in the grades and EC's slipping then.

If you don't favor it as a 3-way, you might call the GC and ask her to have a 2-way with the student on that topic.

This GC wasn't there to witness that year with the child, so to me it makes sense to catch up on past history and hear things right from the student.

paying3tuitions · 07-21-2012, 01:37 PM

Excuse me, I just re-read this OP. I see that it's your niece, not your D, who lost the sibling. My apologies for getting that incorrectly at first.

MD Mom · 07-21-2012, 09:33 PM

I have friend whose son is in a similar situation. I agree with the posters above that the counselor should address it in his/her recommendation. It also could be addressed by a teacher or coach in a recommendation. I think these young people do deserve a little break because losing a sibling changes family dynamics greatly, and people do not recognize how difficult it is for the young person to handle not only her own grief but that of her parents. It is so complicated.

dodgersmom · 07-21-2012, 09:56 PM

Another way to approach this might be for her to write an essay about it - and share the essay with her guidance counselor. It would give the two of them an opening to discuss what happened and its impact on her.

And I'd also suggest taking a look at those schools that are now "test-optional." Those schools that claim to be more "holistic" in their assessment of candidates would likely be the same schools that would appreciate how this event impacted your niece's high school years. Not sure if there are any in your immediate area, but it might be worth a look. The Colleges That Change Lives might be another resource, as well, if she's interested in looking at local options other than the state university.

lookingforward · 07-21-2012, 10:52 PM

It may already be in notes (somewhere in her file) passed along to the new GC. There can be a mention from the GC about how hard it was for her, but it's good if there is also some positive note about how she regained strength. I don't mean to understate the pain she felt and must still be feeling- I know this is hard and wish her the best.

rrah · 07-22-2012, 03:26 PM

Thank you each for your thoughtful and gracious replies. It will be a difficult thing for her to write an essay and not come off as one looking for pity (and that is definitely not how she wants anyone to look at the life/death of her brother). I also may suggest that she try to get her previous counselor to do the counselor form instead of her present counselor. He was there that year and knows her better. I particularly like the idea of her counselor emphasizing the difference in her grades soph. versus jr. year. Sometimes nothing says it like numbers.

I'll have to go back and look at the "colleges that change lives" There maybe one in or two in our state. It will be a bit farther, but really she might be better off in a smaller environment. That said, she is part of a special cohort and is likely to received some extra attention and assistance at the state U.

qialah · 07-22-2012, 10:19 PM

I certainly think someone should mention it--if not the GC, then in the "other information" section.

As to whether it should be her essay topic, I think this is really her call. If this event describes who she has become, then she should write about it. It doesn't have to be a pity bid it if it explains how it has shaped her values and her goals in life.

However, this needs to be your niece's call. We were in a somewhat similar situation, and my D chose not to write about the death of her brother.