Advice on helping with homesickness

hope2help · 08-21-2012, 11:14 AM

I'm guessing there are others out there dealing with this. Our DD chose a school 12 hours away. We moved her in this past weekend. She called last night sobbing and sounded so miserable that it is breaking my heart. she doesn't know a soul and insists that everyone else has friends already. She is considering going thru sorority rush but the part that has started doesn't really appeal to her much. I miss her terribly but think resisting the temptation to text or call much might be helpful? or maybe that will leave her thinking we don't care? She's our oldest so obviously this is all new. I really think the school offers phenomenal opportunities for her and that it's just going to take time (for all of us!) to adjust. Anybody out there dealing with the same issues? suggestions??

scout59 · 08-21-2012, 11:30 AM

Hugs to you - I think it's just as hard (or even harder) on the parent at home.

I don't know your daughter or the type of relationship you two have, but I know that with my own D, she always calls when she's sad or upset and dumps everything on me. It took me a while to learn that after she's dumped all the sad, bad news, she feels better and goes off on her merry way, while I obsess over her bad feelings.

Don't be like me - try not to obsess (ha! Easier said than done, I know!) Chances are that after she vents, she feels better and then bounces back - and you don't always get a phone call when she's happy.

MyLB · 08-21-2012, 11:38 AM

I'd also encourage her to do whatever freshman-oriented activities her school offers. They're usually really good at bringing in freshmen--keeping them busy with cook-outs/parties/poster fairs/. . . . (In the infamous words of DS#1: "If college is as fun as the first two days I'll never be successful.")

And please do keep in mind kids tend to save the worst for mom. I've known of cases where a parent actually packed up and drove quite a few hours to go see Very Sad Kid only to find her all smiles and wondering why the parent went to all the trouble.

Important to keep up the, "It'll all be fine, sweetie," and save your tears for after you hang up.

Wordworker · 08-21-2012, 11:48 AM

Remember Allen Sherman's song about the kid's letter from camp, Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh? Remember the ending?

(If you don't know, it's a letter to parents that spells out all the disasters the kid and his bunkmates are experiencing, from torrential rains through poison ivy, ptomaine poisoning after dinner, alligators in the lake, etc. with a fervent plea to take him home before he gets eaten by a bear. By the end, though, the rain has stopped and the kid is starting to have fun. Last sentence: Muddah, fadduh, kindly disregard this letter.)

Find a copy. Play regularly.

PinotNoir · 08-21-2012, 02:00 PM

hope2help - That must be very hard for you to hear! I think scout pointed out an important point - she's probably letting it all out when she talks to you, then not feeling quite so bad when she's going about her day. Try not to let it get to you too much! I think the main thing that will help is time. Is she doing any clubs? I would certainly text smiley faces or "hoping you're day is going well" messages often. As long as she's calling you, I wouldn't necessarily call her as well, but little non specific happy texts aren't going to get in her way of finding her footing in her new surroundings.

I'm hoping she feels better about it soon, because you won't feel better until she does!

aunt bea · 08-21-2012, 03:55 PM

Hope to help Mom: My daughter left to NY 4 years ago not knowing a soul! She was 3000 miles away and extremely homesick, but what I liked about her school is that she was in a freshman dorm in a single, and the RA "got it" and held nightly "socials" for the single room girls on her floor. The RA would pound on doors and drag the girls into her room for popcorn or pizza and they chatted about where they were from and what classes they were taking, etc. After about 2 weeks, my daughter got over it.

If they don't have "floor-get togethers" you could ask your daughter to talk to the RA. RA's get free rooms to help their charges. AS a really last resort, you could contact housing and ask them to have the RA check in on your daughter.

fogfog · 08-21-2012, 04:11 PM

Hugs to you. it is a transition time and works out.
Part of it is confidence...
Your student needs to meet other students, go to club meetings, classes, etc and put herself out there.
She needs to "be a friend" to make friends.
Introduce herself, ask if she can go eat with a neighboring girl etc. that kind of thing.

Many many moons ago I went to school 14 hrs away from home...and so have BTDT.

Don't make the mistake of having her come home too much...she needs this growing time and building these "muscles"
If she is clinging to highschool friends, spending too much time on FB and looking backwards, it will be harder to move forwards.

Also--she may meet people that are friends "for now" and as she settles will make different friends. That seems to be how it rolls...

"just"aMom · 08-21-2012, 04:40 PM

I have the same story as scout59 - my D went 3000 miles away & would call me in tears, and angst, dumping all her "poor me" on me. I'd be aching from head to toe inside (she's my only kid) and so badly wanted to help...but I was halfway across the world! Then I'd find out later that after her "mommy dump" she'd go off and do whatever.

So here it is, 6 years later, and you know what? I STILL get the "mommy dump" but have learned not to internalize it (too much), just be the listening ears, and shoulders to lean on 3000 miles away!

I hope it gets better for your D, and I hope it really is just "mommy dumping"!

fieldsports · 08-21-2012, 05:37 PM

People may all seem to have friends now, but that will reshuffle. I think generally there's an initial emergence of little groups that form, principally out of people latching onto whoever is close at hand and seems like they might be a reasonable prospect as a friend. But then as people get more involved in their classes or ECs, and meet more people, new friendships develop. Those are based on what the people truly have in common, not just on initial proximity. And some of the initial proximity-based groupings may begin to sour, or become less tightly-knit. She probably needs to be out getting involved in what the school offers, and meeting people.

glido · 08-21-2012, 06:12 PM

It is a pretty common experience to have kids be very homesick during the first semester. Parents and counselors tell them everything will be okay after a while, but the new students insists that "this is different - I (we) picked the wrong school!" Parents and counselors tell them to stick it our for the first year. Kid comes home for Christmas and can't wait to get back to school to be with all her new friends.

Just wait it out.

GladGradDad · 08-21-2012, 06:47 PM

Am I reading it correctly that she's been there for a total of 2 class days counting today? If so, the first thing she needs to do is to give herself a reasonable chance to 'get into the swing of things' there, give herself a chance to meet people in her classes (and she likely hasn't even attended all her classes yet), meet dorm people, meet other people, and allow for some time for those friendships/acquaintanceships to develop. As they develop her homesickness will likely reduce accordingly. This usually needs more than just a few days.

We all know that not 'everyone else' will never accept or make a new friend. Whatever category your D is in (freshman, transfer, major, interests) there are sure to be other people in the same category. And, people usually have more than a single friend.

In the meantime, she should get involved in dorm activities designed to get them to know each other (if in a dorm), join some clubs, go use the workout facilities, and be open and friendly and at least smile - the universal gesture of friendliness and openness.

As she gets a little further (like in a week) she'll get busier with studies as well which should help decrease the homesickness as well.

Once she gets things sorted out and the routine established, maybe next semester, she might want to get an on-campus job. This'll connect her to the college on a different level, she'll meet more people, it'll keep her busier, and she'll learn good skills and have some income as well.

The main thing she 'shouldn't' do is to isolate herself from people and activities.

She should also realize that Thanksgiving break is right around the corner with winter break following shortly so she doesn't have a life sentence there. You can also tell her to feel that she can contact you anytime, like when she's walking to class. When she does, ask her about her classes, her roomies, and what else is happening on campus. Don't dwell on her loneliness issues.

BrownAlumParent · 08-21-2012, 06:52 PM

Has she been away before, and this is out of character for her, or is this really a first? My daughter did a very smart thing when she started "dumping" on me in HS and I was being reactive to it. After a talk she said to me that I was her "safe place" where she could rant, be grumpy etc, and it gave her the outlet to put her best foot forward in school etc. That made me a lot stronger for dealing with that, less worried etc. Tell your daughter that you are there for her to dump etc, but remind her that you know she will be able to then go out and do the things that will make her happier etc. (IE give her self fulfilling encouragement, but she has to do the fixing.) I also reminded my D that she was at one of the "happiest" schools, so if she wasn't happy, it meant she needed to get out and find that happiness. Also care packages that are meant to be shared (think huge batch of cookies) help in the "getting to know hallmates" department. Do not send things that will make her more homesick (pictures of pets etc).

boysx3 · 08-21-2012, 07:32 PM

You might also casually mention to your daughter....oh, went to something at the high school and it is so different now, none of the old kids there. Sometimes part of the homesickness is they idealize what they used to have....and it's not there any more.

NJSue · 08-21-2012, 08:47 PM

Quote:

The main thing she 'shouldn't' do is to isolate herself from people and activities.

She should also realize that Thanksgiving break is right around the corner with winter break following shortly so she doesn't have a life sentence there. You can also tell her to feel that she can contact you anytime, like when she's walking to class. When she does, ask her about her classes, her roomies, and what else is happening on campus. Don't dwell on her loneliness issues.

I really like this quote from GladGradDad and he's absolutely right.

The fact is, many kids at perfectly well chosen schools don't have a great time at college when they first go away. Sometimes it's a letdown because it doesn't meet overly pumped up expectations; sometimes it's just intimidating to negotiate everything new, and some kids need more time to adjust.

KYParent · 08-21-2012, 09:02 PM

Three years ago we went through something very similar. My daughter wanted to come home. I made a deal with her. She had to attend the Activity Fair and sign up for at least three actives/clubs that interested her. Then she had to attend a week of classes and find at least one person in each class to speak to. If after the week ended and she felt the same way she could call me and I would come get her. We talked during the week just to make sure she was complying with the conditions. I never heard from her that Friday. She loves her school, her teachers, and her friends. She did join a sorority. Encourage your daughter to continue thru rush. It is a great opportunity to meet people even if she does not pledge.