Dilemma with daughter

[loneranger60]

I have an issue with my daughter and would appreciate your opinions.

My daughter just transferred to a new school. At her old school she received a generous merit scholarship that required us to pay nothing towards her schooling. Her scholarship not only included her tuition but covered living expenses as well. Because we weren't contributing financially to her life we looked at her as an independent adult and able to make her own moral choices in life. We are Catholic and going to Mass every week has been important to our family but I held my tounge when I knew she wasn't attending Mass except for the weekends we visited.

Moving to this new school as a transfer student, there is very little in the way of scholarships but because it is one of our state schools it is still affordable for us to pay. That is her dad and I to pay - not her. It is still about $25,000 a year, though, and before she signed up for the school we spelled out our expectations of her if she wanted us to pay for this school and one of those was attending Mass on Sunday. Now there are 168 hours in the week and we were only asking for 1 but D has not thought that this was an important priority for her to do even though she agreed in advance to go to Mass.

The reason we know she is not attending Mass is her brother is at the same school and calls home every Sunday to tell us that he has repeatedly invited his sister to attend Mass with him at one of the many services that are offered all weekend that are walking distance from her dorm and she refuses to go.

So what to do? My inclination is to divide up next semester's tuition bill by the number of weeks in the semester and say she pays for those weeks she missed Mass and I will pay for the rest but before I send out that ultimatum letter I thought I might get some other opinions first.

[stalkermama]

She promised to go and she is breaking her promise. Ask her why she is breaking her promise. However, I would leave it alone and hopefully she will go to Mass one day on her own. You brought her up going to Mass and she has not forgotten. Maybe she needs a break. She will still be a good person without going. Hopefully she will go to the library to study!

[zoosermom]

While I think you are entitled to set whatever rules you choose for your money, I think the relationship between a person and God is private and no one should ever try to insinuate herself in the middle of that relationship. If your goal is to encourage your daughter to be a woman of faith, you are cetainly setting yourslf up to fail. And the tattling by your son, coupled with the ganging-up you are both doing on your daughter is a sure bet to alienate her from the both of you, as well as God.

[CloseToTheEdge]

This is absolutely not a good reason to stop paying her tuition. Religion is a very personal thing and should be something chosen by an individual after careful reflection, not forced upon him by an outside source. In time your daughter may become more active in your family's religion, or she may choose a different religion, or even choose to have no religion at all. She will no doubt turn out to be a wonderful and moral person no matter which of these eventualities comes to pass, and she deserves your full love and support regardless.

[blueiguana]

Your daughter was away for a year and was treated like an adult. She made a decision she felt was right for her right now in her life, although it is one you would not choose. You accepted it. Now you are paying her tuition and think that gives you a right to tell her how to worship. IMO, only because you asked, putting this kind of string on your financial support will only drive a wedge between you and your daughter. If she does go to mass it will not be for the right reasons. She is an adult and needs to make her own relationship with her religious choices. Secondly, it is a very bad idea to have one sibling 'rat out' another at that age unless someone is in grave danger. This will only serve to harm their relationship. Not a good idea all around.

Not what you want to hear, but I would remove your expectation that your daughter attend mass. Tell her it's something you hope she'll do and understand its now her decision to make. It's nice for her brother to invite her but absolutely no more reporting home to parents. This will make your children avoid each other and fail to create what could be a great adult relationship. They have to be able to trust each other first.

[Walker1194]

^^^ Agree with above posters about religion being a personal journey. Requiring someone to to to church in order to get tuition money is a sure fire way to turn her off of religion. What if she wants to go to a synagogue or a Protestant church? It's her choice, not yours. This is America. Please remember that privilege.

[SplashMom]

I was forced to attend church from the time I was very young. When I went away to school, I finally felt free to make my own choices. Personally, I don't agree with attaching religious expectations to the academic purse strings. In my case, most of my schooling was paid for with grants and school loans. My parents couldn't really afford to pay for college for my sister and me as they'd been paying tuition for private Christian school for three of us already, and my brother was in middle school at the time. From personal experience, I can tell you that forcing religion on a child does nothing but turn them against it. I'm 50 years old now and have not returned to church since my high school days except for the occasional wedding, funeral and I think twice for Mother's Day when I visited my parents. I arrange my visits with them to avoid church.

[MommaJ]

I can't imagine what value you think there is in forcing someone to attend a religious service they have no interest in. It was a foolish promise for you to extract--require that she attain certain minimum grades, that she work to cover her personal expenses--those are reasonable requirements in exchange for paying her tuition. But what is the point in forcing her to twiddle her thumbs and daydream for an hour each week? She isn't going to acquire faith via osmosis. Very few college students attend religious services regularly. Your daughter is normal, and you shouldn't be bullying her about her religious practices or lack thereof. Keep up this sort of controlling behavior, and you'll poison your relationship permanently

Have you at least discussed your plan with your parish priest? I doubt he'll back you up. I suspect priests don't want a congregation filled with unwilling individuals who are there under financial duress.

[Consolation]

While I think you are entitled to set whatever rules you choose for your money, I think the relationship between a person and God is private and no one should ever try to insinuate herself in the middle of that relationship. If your goal is to encourage your daughter to be a woman of faith, you are cetainly setting yourslf up to fail. And the tattling by your son, coupled with the ganging-up you are both doing on your daughter is a sure bet to alienate her from the both of you, as well as God.

I agree with this.

I am quoting Zoosermom, because what I would have said would have been far less polite.

I was raised as a Catholic by my mother, who still goes to mass at least once per week. When I was 16, after two years away at a boarding school where I didn't have to attend mass, she noticed that although I dutifully went to church with her every Sunday, I spent the entire time reading the missal and obviously was not participating. One day she said, "Don't feel that you have to go for my sake." I summoned up my courage and said that in that case I would not go. She said fine, and I never heard another word about it.

I am now an active member of a church of my choice.

I would encourage you to follow her example.

[loneranger60]

I do agree on one level and that is why I am writing. My thought is if she gets herself involved in this very active faith community at school she will really like it -- but if she feels like we are forcing her she won't. It is like her last school with the big scholarship. We encouraged her to take it because it was such a wonderful offer and the program she was accepted to was wonderful. Getting a free undergraduate education would have allowed us to help pay for her graduate school with the money we are now spending for her undergraduate education. I believe she felt pressured to go and I went out of her way to find things not to like about the school and ended up transferring out. I don't want that to happen with Mass but again she did agree to go. I feel by ignoring it we are saying it doesn't really matter what you said you would do.

[MommaJ]

I feel by ignoring it we are saying it doesn't really matter what you said you would do.

But you did the foolish thing first. Sometimes you just have to admit you were wrong and move on. I'm sure she'll forgive you for the whole thing, as you will forgive her.

[loneranger60]

I believe she felt pressured to go and I went out of her way to find

I meant to say "She went out of her way"

[SplashMom]

How 'bout sitting down with her and, without sounding accusatory, ask why she doesn't want to attend mass? Try to be understanding and consider changing your "requirement" to a "request". Once she realizes it's her choice, she may decide to attend ... or not. I would advise against asking her every week if she's attended. You already have a little birdie who tells you. I imagine that puts a strain on the relationship between brother and sister, too. It would me.

[loneranger60]

I haven't made a big deal of it yet. That is why I am writing because I was going to make a big deal and decided to get more opinions before I did. I guess I feel very bad that she is not at least trying to get involved in the church. Maybe a better question would be how can I get her to want to attend this very active and vibrant church? Maybe some carrots instead of sticks!

[frazzled1]

I feel by ignoring it we are saying it doesn't really matter what you said you would do.

Under what circumstances did she say she would go to Mass? It sounds as if you either asked her to go, and she acquiesced, or you told her to go as a condition of paying her tuition. Either way, going to Mass was not a choice she made for herself. Yet isn't choosing to attend Mass because one wants to be there the only valid reason to go?