College not going as well as I'd like - just had the worst September ever

[Classof2015]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think people hype college up so there's inevitably disappointment. I bet people told you "college is great!" and "Vandy's a great school!" and "you'll make life long friends!"

But if you're not happy, that's all that counts. It isn't great, you're not having fun, and you don't like it there. You are right to face your feelings and admit what you're feeling. It's worse if you try to pretend everything's fine.

If I were you (and I'm not), I would: take care of the stuff that could hurt you (the class you're not doing so well in); get some help at the local tutoring center; get some sleep (I know -- a near impossibility -- but everything looks worse when you're exhausted).

And get information on what your options are. To drop the tough class, or transfer. I think once you let yourself explore those options, you'll feel better about the school, because the worse part is feeling trapped.

Keep us posted.

[ADad]

I've been impressed with your honesty about yourself and with your ability and willingness to humble yourself at times in order to get help or insight. Think about how these inner resources can serve you well now.

I agree with Marian that clubs offer a means of finding friends. You were very positive about the Secular Student Alliance, and negative about some others. Perhaps devote more time to the club(s) that are going well, and discontinue the others?

[M's Mom]

At this very moment, a significant percentage of freshman are writing/saying this very same thing to their parents and high school friends. The sense of let down after the first few weeks at college is nearly universal and not school specific. Everyone thinks its going to be wonderful - it turns out to be hard, and a bit lonely, and well, just life. The other universal is that by the end of winter break, most of those people will be itching to get back to their 'real life' as my D calls it. If they didn't shut themselves away, they will have found people - maybe not best friends forever, but at least a few compatible souls to hang with. For some, it takes a full year, but very few are still completely alone by the time summer arrives. So cut yourself some slack - don't expect too much too fast. It will happen if you are putting yourself out there (and keep an eye out for all the others who are expressing the same sentiments you are.)

[SteveMA]

You shouldn't need an appointment for the peer tutoring/student help center. Those are usually just walk in type places. Bring your books and assignments and go over there for help.

[momofthreeboys]

Lots of good advice. Long ago my mother told me it takes at least 6 months to make a "good friend" and having moved around numerous times in life I think she's pretty spot on. Remember you meet someone and through them you meet others and as your circle of contacts expands you'll find some that you click with in some way, so never discount anyone from the get go as that tenuous acquaintance may lead you to others. Also I do remember that i didn't make fast friends in college until I got involved in something. My roommate "dragged" me to the organizational meeting and I ended up being president by my senior year of that organization and my good, close friends sprang from those activities. So continue dabbling, but when you find something that interests you stick to it for awhile and see what happens.

[lmkh70]

If the school is not a fit, it is not a fit. If you are not a partier, but are at a partying school, it can be rough.

If you withdraw now, can you get your place back at one of the other schools as if deferred admission?

[lmkh70]

((((Hugs)))))


I was in your situation once. I wish I walked away. Instead, I dug myself a hole.

[stradmom]

Let me give you some "tough love" to think about ... you've repeatedly said that this school wasn't your first choice but that your parents pressed you into attending.

Are you sure that you're not being deliberately "glass half empty" to prove to yourself that their choice is not working for you? If you had these same experiences at your dream school, would you be approaching them differently?

[Moreover]

^^^Spot on!

[Midwestmomofboys]

Parent of freshman son at another school here - I agree with the parents who say many students are going through a similar experience right now. The constant socializing, "where are you from, what is your major" conversations have stopped, students are having to buckle down and work, and yet everyone still is looking for their "tribe." My son watched some of his new friends go through rush, and they have now peeled off to focus their social life elsewhere. He feels like he is starting over, looking for kids whom he has more in common with now that they are really settling in.

The advice we have given him is look for clubs, volunteering, sports that he enjoys and he will find students with whom he has similar interests and values. It takes time. He has also shared that his humor -- which is dry wit -- is not well-appreciated by most of his peers. So, he is continuing to look in new places for people whom he will share more with. It does not happen overnight.

Be patient, keep looking for activities that interest you, and you will find peers and new friends. Hang in there.

[chaosakita]

I think one thing contributing to my problems is that I feel that my current school is too big. This school has 6500 people. My dream school had only 1200 and seemed to have more support, and I feel like that would've helped. Maybe it would, maybe not. But I think the size of the school definitely has something to do with it.

Anyways though, I don't really feel like transferring is an option for me. I think if I transfer, I'll just have to start this whole process all over again.

And right now, I'm feeling pretty bitter to my parents, because part of the reason they wanted me close is because they thought I couldn't take care of myself. One month later, I've called them for cash once, but otherwise I'm fine. It's really upsetting how little faith my parents have in me as an adult.

[emeraldkity4]

6500 is actually pretty small, you want a school that is large enough to support clubs and classes for diverse interests.

My oldest attended a school that was smaller and it was really too small. When a prof left it made a huge hole in the curriculum.

***** & moan about how this school isn't your top choice, but then be done with it- and focus on how you can adapt to your environment, instead of bemoaning that you aren't somewhere else.

[absweetmarie]

What makes you happy, chaosakita? I'd recommend chasing that. You seem like a singular person (I say that in an admiring way!). So you may have to look harder to find people with whom you really click. But if you pursue the things you love, maybe you'll find others who love those things, as well. The counseling sounds like a good idea as well; it'll give you a safe place to explore to explore the things that contribute to your feelings of social awkwardness.

[kelsmom]

Parent of a Vandy grad. She actually attended a much smaller college freshman year, having turned down Vandy initially because she felt it was not a match socially. While the much smaller school ended up being great socially by the time she finished freshman year, it was SO hard for her at first. There were many, many tearful phone calls. It took quite awhile for her to find her "group." Not everyone finds it easy; you are not alone. Although she finally found her niche socially, the school was too limiting academically. She chose to transfer to Vandy for the academics. Yes, it is a butt-kicking school. She worked really, really hard. What made it easier, of course, was that SHE chose to be there. Socially ... well, let's just say that it took awhile to find her niche, and she never really felt a part of the social scene. She joined groups (moving on from one or two when they just didn't feel quite right) --- she eventually held leadership positions in two major groups, but I can tell you that at first, she probably would have thought that would never happen ... it seemed like everyone had their friends & it would be hard to be chosen. It all worked out for her, though. It just took time. She found new friends in the people she met through those groups. She also did activities on campus and in town that were of interest to her, meeting other people in the process (including Belmont students). When all was said and done, she had a fabulous education and took advantage of many wonderful opportunities.

My suggestions? First, make sure you take advantage of tutoring (such as the writing center, which might be very helpful given the huge emphasis on writing at Vandy). Feeling like you can hold your own academically will help your outlook. Next, continue to go to group meetings with groups that interest you. Look at other activities, too ... tv or radio shows, singing groups, plays, working on campus, or anything that looks interesting to you. Look into study abroad ... the BEST experience my daughter had ... not necessarily in a Vandy program, although that is fine. My D went to UEdinburgh & it didn't cost us any more than a semester at Vandy (less, actually). Talk to your professors. Some of them are really cool. Go to the counseling center, where D's friend got wonderful assistance.

Put aside your disappointment in not being where you want to be. Look for ways to make it better while you are there. And above all, don't have unrealistic expectations of the college experience. For some, it is the best time of their lives. For others, it is four years during which they gain an education and various experiences that will help them handle life. Things will get better in time.

[HarvestMoon1]

chaosakita: my observation is that during the first few months of college, kids cling to one another just to have security. A vast majority of the groups you are observing will not be in tact by Sophomore year. EVERYONE is feeling somewhat like you are, they are just hiding it a little better. I would pick one or two clubs that truly interest you and go to every meeting religiously. You will meet some kindred souls through mutual interests. Sending a heartfelt hug through the CC wires!