Aspie DS shut down senior year. Pull him out?

[Pennylane2011]

I agree with not changing his life more at this time, and not pulling him out so he can learn the best way to cope with something like this is not to withdraw from the rest of life.

A breakup is a normal part of life, but Aspies may lack the typical social supports other kids have when they go through these things. Also the tendency to obsess, stress and reinforcement of low self esteem from years of social rejection. They tend to be anxious and anxiety can interfere with academics.

This is a learning experience and has much potential for growth- how to handle future relationships and other stress. I think a therapist may help- probably better than mom at this point, and the idea of a male therapist comes to mind as a role model.

The timing of senior year is frightening and will in interfere with college plans? This is a good question, but how he handles this is an indicator of how he will handle this sooner or later- so learning it now, with the social supports he has at home may be better than away at school. If he handles it- then you and he will have the assurance that he will handle this at college. If not ( and I hope not), you will know that even though he is very intelligent, he is not ready emotionally to venture far from home for school.

It's very hard to see a child hurting though this, and especially scary when the child is vulnerable too. I think talking to the school will help his teachers understand the sudden change in him.

[higgins2013]

As a parent of a young adult aspie, if it were me, I'd tend to discount the "life experience, so buck up" advice offered, and monitor our son closely for the next few weeks. Not knowing his school environment, if we were in this situation I'd:

Notify his school guidance counselor, college counselor, etc for their advice. My son's mainstreamed at a private college prep HS, and they would want to know what's going on, including serious emotional upsets. College Application forms allow for additional personal statements to explain problems that affect grades. College counselor letters can do same. (I've also noted that many colleges are very welcoming towards Aspies these days, and that it's not a negative aspect to application evaluation.)

Notify his psychologist and/or psychiatrist. Perhaps medication is advised, or needs to be adjusted. First break-ups are traumatic for most teens; for Aspies seeking to "fit in" when often they don't neurotypically fully do, a girlfriend is a huge accomplishment and the loss would be a serious blow. Validate his feelings and allow him to grieve, but help him understand that the future will bring new relationships - even though his acceptance of that advice will be hard for him now.

Consider a homework tutor and other academic support to complete the semester with some additional non-family support. This was very helpful to our son Freshman Year, and took a great deal of pressure off us as the "homework enforcers".

Offer some "treats", whether movie dates with parents, some restaurant dinners or short roadtrips, but all focussed on taking some attention off the break-up.

My best wishes are with you and your son. Our Aspie young adult is also "dipping his toe" in the dating scene, and we're very ambivalent because of the increased risk for emotional drama-trauma.

[Pennylane2011]

An adult friend with high functioning autism has asked me for advice with dating a woman he has strong feelings for. It's difficult for him to read the clues and signals- and he misinterprets them in either direction. Sometimes she is just busy and he thinks it's personal. Or, if she seems interested he thinks more of it. Yes, it's possible for this woman to be the "love of his life" to him while she, on the other hand, wants to date others before concluding this. This relationship is a big part of my friend's life and he is very invested in it. I do not know the woman or what she thinks.

My friend is head over heels and would propose any day, but it is clear from what he has told me that the relationship is not at that point as they are casually dating. Still, the woman is interested enough to keep dating him. My role seems to be a sounding board for his feelings and a reality check. He has many worries and anxieties over this and how it will turn out. He is one honest and loyal guy who is working very hard at this, and he is deeply invested.

Obviously I could never do this with one of my kids- no mother could do this for a son. I hope that I am helping him navigate this as best as I can. It seems it would be a good idea for a young adult with AS to have a counselor who could help as a dating coach similar to the social skills training available to them as children, and also be a support to them as they navigate the inevitable joys and disappointments with it.

I agree that this is more of a challenge to a child with AS than typical teen, and with getting the supports needed to stay in school and get through this.

[Cardinal Fang]

As a parent of a young adult aspie, if it were me, I'd tend to discount the "life experience, so buck up" advice offered,

This. Aspies don't learn from life experience the way neurotypicals do.

As a separate suggestion, I recommend that you think very very hard about whether your son should go away to college next year. If he does go away to college, I recommend that he stay close to home. A lot of Aspies benefit from a gradual introduction to college, whether a gap year, or community college classes, or going to a four-year school but taking a reduced course load and having lots of support.

[travelnut]

MQD- Sorry for the loss and difficulties your son is facing. If I were parenting through this, I'd think about where I wanted my kid to land and what "take-aways" from the experience would provide the relevant tools for coping, trying to stack the deck first towards managing the immediate issues, then optimizing skill acquisition. What steps would be most helpful to your son depends on resources, strengths, and how his problems with this are impacting his life. Obviously, health (mental health) and safety come first. If there is a way to keep up his routine while simultaneously with utilizing/cultivating support, this could be an opportunity to gain reserves before college.

If he is "shutting down" so completely that he needs to re-group to function, then comprehensive resources seem indicated. In general, we all want our kids to recognize that hurdles are a part of life and most of us do better not "throwing the baby out with the bath water". That said, we also want our kids to learn how to self-assess and know when they are in over their heads and need to decrease pressure/shift focus in order to proceed. When our kid faced major medical challenges, school receded into the background while we navigated treatment and recovery. Sometimes it just has to be that way. I wish you all the best with sorting this out.

[momofthreeboys]

I totally agree with Cardinal Fang. This is a great example of a kid falling apart, Aspie or not, into a dysfunctional state...and it's happening while at home. Imagine sending a kiddo off to a sleepaway college who falls apart when things are not going smoothly and having that kiddo be far away, living on their own, and perhaps in a more pressureful college environment. This is a kid where I would think very carefully about WHERE the kiddo goes to college. If he's having trouble understanding that performance is related to college choice and not intelligence related to college choice which is a fairly basic concept then perhaps a therapist might help him sort things out and help him to understand what the choices might be next year. It might help you, too, to put an appropriate perspective on the situation.

[cobrat]

My son really doesn't...some friendly acquaintances from class, but no one to feed him ice cream (or the male equivalent of break up food.) PM me if you need moral support....it's hard for folks with neurtypical kids to understand some things.

Unfortunately, another aspect which doesn't help is that many of us younger dudes(40 and below) don't usually discuss among ourselves our feelings regarding relationships to the extent and depth that I find among female friends.

I'm especially bad about this as I was socialized in a childhood environment where boys/men talking about one's feelings...especially ones related to relationships was frowned upon and as an ENTJ, I tend to be leery about dealing with friends' emotional situations as I tend to be much more comfortable dealing with analysis through logic and rationality...feelings not so much.

It's a reason why whenever male friends have serious breakup issues or other difficult emotional issues, I refer them to an older friend who as an ESFJ has a knack for counseling others on these matters while helping him temporarily deal with bureaucratic type tasks of daily life like grocery shopping, ensuring bills/taxes/rent are not forgotten, running errands in his stead, etc.

Hopefully, the OP's son has a male friend or a mentor he could turn to as an additional resource alongside his parents...especially considering these type of issues could be difficulty for him to discuss with parents. The commenter mentioning a male therapist who could also act as a model made a great suggestion.

[HarvestMoon1]

Second higgins2013's advice.

[Seahorsesrock]

Maybe as parents sometimes as pie parents are so happy offspring has a gf that it makes the relationship so much more important...thus the child makes it more important...

I am not denying the diagnosis, I just wonder how generations of humans functioned, and they did, without getting all drugged up. Drugging over a breakup? When will the person ever learn to deal with lifes ups and downs?

[peacefulmom]

MQD-- Good luck. I am sure your son will recover from this break-up with time. It can be very painful for young people. I agree with meeting with his teachers and sharing what is going on. Perhaps they will give him the benefit of the doubt when it comes to grading. Regarding his college applications, I think it would be a good and comforting idea to find a safety school nearby under any circumstances. I would also continue having him apply to his original list of schools, especially if he wants to. A lot can happen and change in the next few months, and by April when he needs to choose a school. Also, I am really not that knowledgable, but I would think it would be best for him to continue at his current school, especially because it is supportive. The school routine may actually help. Take care!

[Cardinal Fang]

I just wonder how generations of humans functioned, and they did, without getting all drugged up.

In the case of Aspies? Suicide. Homelessness. Institutionalization. Jail.

[Seahorsesrock]

I dont believe that. I believe more got thru life, druggies, sure, we all do, but I get the feeling that there is a over compensation going on with a generation of pare ts who over diagnosis, over drug, over coddle

His girl friend dumped him. If mom wants to have a really smart kid to live at home forever, pull him from school, drug him up, etc...

Reality bites it does, but either that or never ever have any relationships out of fear, and having mom fix it

[Pennylane2011]

Seahorserock- I know how one person did before awareness and treatment. My friend as mentioned above. He's middle aged, lonely, and lives on disability, but he is smart enough to have been a taxpayer. He was misdiagnosed as a child (because Aspergers and High Functioning Autism were not recognized then). Despite being labeled as "retarded" and put in special ed classes, he eventually graduated college without any accommodations but could not pass the licensing test because he needed extended time and they did not do that back then. He's intelligent, witty, and could have been more mainstreamed and productive in his life if he was born a generation later. He was finally correctly diagnosed in the 80's. He's intelligent enough to know that he is missing out in life and desperately wants it. Can you imagine how overwhelmed he must feel now when a woman actually seems to like him?

If his parents knew then what they know now, they would have done everything they could to assist him in being all he could be. He's got the dating experience of a teenager because he never had it. It may look like OP's mom is protecting him, but she is really giving him the extra support he needs to succeed at this point in life. OP may be a senior, but his coping skills could be those of a much younger person. He will mature at his own rate. Enlisting the help of professional will guard against over coddling, but you give your kid whatever he or she needs at the time.

The new anti anxiety medications have made a difference too, when needed. Nobody would want to turn the clock back to another era.

[momofthreeboys]

OP may be a senior, but his coping skills could be those of a much younger person.

Which is exactly why picking the correct college needs to be predicated on the ability of the senior to function at a particular college. If parents do not feel their child is ready to deal with being far from home at a sleep away college they should listen to their gut...as Missypie has pointed out numerous times. Being "smart" or having good grades with these kids is not enough on it's own to "pick a college."

[fieldsports]

I think Aspie parents understand the OP's situation best, and I am not an Aspie parent. But the OP's idea (of taking the son out of school for a year, not because he absolutely needs it for his health, but essentially to protect his transcript from the sequelae of this event) is an example of a larger phenomenon -- the effort to pursue and protect our kids' odds of getting into the "best" possible college, at all costs. This desire is understandable, and certainly widespread in affluent towns, mostly with neurotypical kids. But when extreme measures are taken in pursuit of the goal, they can backfire. Taking a year off (what would essentially be a year out on disability, for a working person) is an extreme measure.

I have seen kids go off and matriculate at nice schools on the strength of a transcript that looked good, but was truly the product of a lot of behind-the-scenes effort by the parents. The transcript did not accurately reflect what the kid could independently do. These well-intended efforts are generally accompanied by the belief that the kid should go off to live in a dorm the fall after 12th grade, and that county college is to be avoided at all costs. When it works, the kid goes off to a dorm, where he is unprepared to succeed at the level of independent effort that is required in that setting. My anecdotal sense of it is that these are the very kids who end up in over their heads, and faring poorly, away at college.

I try to stay focused on what I think is the real goal -- not the college sticker on the car in the spring of 12th grade, but seeing the kid at age 25, educationally qualified to work in a field that he likes and can do well with, soft skills also in place, unencumbered by too much debt, living independently as a productive young adult. For some kids, the pathway to that goal takes them through a residential four-year school, starting immediately after 12th grade. For other kids, a premature dormitory experience is a big setback on their path.

If the OP's son is unable to endure the adversity of a 12th grade breakup while staying reasonably on track academically -- and I mean this kindly -- and if the damage to his transcript scotches his chances of going off to a dorm the following fall, and he ends up at community college, maybe that sequence of events is leading him to where he really needs to be at that level of his development. At home, with support. Maybe he's not yet ready to endure the adversities of young adult live that can easily arise, while staying on track with his academic program, at the level of independence that is required in a dorm.

My mother always said "water seeks its own level". I think the system of some colleges opening doors and others closing them, largely on the basis of GPAs and SATS, works well enough, and most kids end up where they are qualified to be. With an Aspie, it seems that the danger is weakness and relative immaturity in the soft skills, so they might need more support and structure than their GPA and SAT would suggest. If extreme measures are taken to protect the GPA, that effort would take the kid further out onto thin ice -- by bolstering the appearance of his being ready to handle a level of independence and accountability that he's really not ready to handle.