What's easier, what's harder second time around

weenie · 07-07-2006, 08:12 AM

I was thinking this morning about my second son's college search. Some things about it seem easier: I am way less concerned about living arrangements for instance. (I've realized that how moms view dorms is much different than how kids view them!) I am less concerned about the transition of him moving out. I am less concerned about getting all the forms filled out (probably foolish about that one...)

But I am more concerned about money. More concerned about finding the time/interest to do tours. More concerned about his finding a school where he will "make it" in his chosen major (elec. or comp. engineering). And I'm WAY more concerned about him not being concerned...

How about you?

thumper1 · 07-07-2006, 08:31 AM

I've been through it twice...it wasn't that anything was harder or easier...For my kids the search was totally different...TOTALLY. DS wanted an urban school on the east coast and majors in music performance. His hunt was very different that DD's. She wanted a school in a warm climate where there were lots of choices as majors, but where the sciences were strong. She also wanted a smaller campus. Different kids, different search. Luckily for us, both kids were very concerned about their college searches...neither was concerned about the money.

katwkittens · 07-07-2006, 08:56 AM

Easier the 2nd, 3rd, 4th... with deadlines, which tests, which APs, when, locations, names of schools. The familiarity with the process made it much less overwhelming. All the info gathered the first time made the search more doable and made choices as far as acceptances and money more realistic.

But, the knowledge of the frustration the process can cause, SATs, recommendations, interviews, traveling, MONEY, the more realistic part mentioned above took some of the fun out of it. Kiddos knew how much more hard work was involved. Again more realistic about the process and in turn, their goals.

Kat

NewHope33 · 07-07-2006, 09:15 AM

Twice also. Less time doing research the second time, due to what we learned the first time through. But like Thumper the actual search was TOTALLY different because the kids are different. Luckily both are very responsible.

curiouser · 07-07-2006, 09:41 AM

1st time I learned that you never know about the money your kid might get until she goes through the process completely. That was a major insight that was very helpful when S was applying a year later. Although he wasn't the student his sister was, by guiding him to some more appropriate choices, he too received reasonable amounts of merit aid.

Both kids were very different, so the search was different from the "fit" standpoint. I was also much less anxious about the moving process, the roommate issues, and logistics of it all. I worried less about getting to the Parent Weekend, about grades, about settling in on campus. However, with #2, I had a whole bunch of unplanned worries as his choice was Tulane. So the 1st semester last year was chaotic as he was evacuated and had to find a new home for his freshman 1st semester. I guess everything seems easier after dealing with the trauma of all that.

The amounts of money spent to get each one ready to go, though, was unbelievable. Outfitting a dorm for #1 (a girl) was mindboggling.
I made the mistake of somewhat duplicating that effort for #2 (a minimalist S). We brought home LOTS of stuff that won't return with him for his 2nd year.

It's been nice not having to run around all summer collecting all the dorm-stuff, new clothing, etc etc. We also had to get #1 (D) set up in her 1st apt last summer. This year, it seems like we're doing virtually nothing, and spending little in preparation. I'm really enjoying that so far.

amdgmom · 07-07-2006, 09:44 AM

Two completely different experiences with S's also.

Your comment re: S's lack of concern caught my attention. How unconcerned is he? S1 was almost totally unconcerned, which for him also translated into almost totally unwilling to do much work on apps. After a couple of months of "pushing a rope," (as my H called it), I grudgingly came to terms with the fact that he was not going to write any essays. And since I was not going to write any either, that meant our state u system. I was disappointed in his approach, but he ended up where he wanted to be.

S2's experience was a lot more fulfilling for everyone, but a lot more work and travel.

Good luck!

weenie · 07-07-2006, 05:30 PM

amdgmom:
I'm sure he'll write the essays when the time comes (surprisingly that will come easy to him - easier than it did to son #1 who hated every minute of it). But he has shown no interest at all in doing any research on choosing a college. Oh well. I understand "he lives in the present" (his current excuse). We'll try to put together a list of schools to visit (the only part I'm willing to help with) and then once he's seen his choices I guess that's how he'll decide where to apply...

anxiousmom · 07-07-2006, 05:55 PM

Quote:

But I am more concerned about money. More concerned about finding the time/interest to do tours. More concerned about his finding a school where he will "make it" in his chosen major (elec. or comp. engineering). And I'm WAY more concerned about him not being concerned...

Hey! Do you have my son? DS hasn't cracked a book to research colleges, just looks at the brochures that come in the mail then chucks them in the trash. DD (now college junior) read voraciously, contacted colleges, visited schools, emailed adcoms with questions, etc.etc. DS is just "in the moment" also, and doesn't seem to realize how soon decisions need to be made. We're going to visit several public U's this summer (arranged by me), but I don't know what's going to happen about out-of-state schools...maybe he won't apply to any? If colleges are tracking "demonstrated interest" they will have nothing to track in his case! LOL And as to money - yep, I have no idea how it will work! DS doesn't want loans, so he would either need a big merit package or a state U. I don't want to short-change him, but if he isn't interested enough to make an effort to look at other schools, maybe our local state U is the best option? (plus he doesn't want liberal arts; hates writing papers, likes football and DIV 1 sports, etc.)

northeastmom · 07-07-2006, 07:41 PM

I don't think that your son is alone. A couple of my son's friends did not even sit for the SAT until the last seating possible! Some sent in some apps. on their due date. A large number never visited any colleges that they applied to, and visited after theywere accepted. They really seemed lost, without direction. Every one of these kiddos was accepted and is going to a 4 year school. I got the impression that one of my son's friends was not going to go to college. Guess who is going to college too, yep, he will be going to a 4 year college this fall.

fredo · 07-07-2006, 10:19 PM

Hey - you guys are talking about my son, too! Second time around and just like amdgmom, weenie and anxiousmom's sons, I have one totally unconcerned, uninterested and uninvolved. There will be no essay writing, no re-taking of the SAT or ACT, no visiting, no merit scholarship applications. So there probably will be a simple, quick application to the state university, a quick response for admission (should be a safety) and then I think we'll be done. I have to admit that even with all the anguish and hand-wringing of my daughter's college process, it was a lot more fun. I got to do lots of research and play "what-if" scenarios in my head of each school. This time around, there probably won't be any of that, but in a different way it may be less stressful. I hope.

calmom · 07-07-2006, 10:58 PM

Easier: I didn't get caught up in worrrying about what college my kid would get into the 2nd time around. With kid #1 I was anxious throught - kid #2 I just insisted that she apply to UC's, knowing she was guaranteed admission at the less-prestigious campuses. I realized it would all work out in the end, and the only thing really important was the selection of the safety. Much, much easier for me to keep some emotional distance the 2nd time around, and not treat the process as if I were the one applying to the colleges.
Harder: It was hard to have a 2nd kid with a quirky profile following an older sib with a traditional, uniformly strong profile. It was fairly easy to figure out where kid #1 should apply (and where he was likely to get in) based on stats.... kid #2 could not be quantified. The kids own desires complicated thing -- kid #1 was happy to apply to colleges that were strong matches, had no interest whatsoever in prestige colleges; kid #2 wanted reaches.

heartcross · 07-07-2006, 11:51 PM

Since my oldest two are very different and were headed different directions, it was like night and day. Dd#1 ended up auditioning at only 2 schools, applied to one, was accepted that day and that was that. Then...dd#2 comes along with dreams of being a military officer. 3 MOC applications, 3 academies, NROTC, plus 3 other schools, DoDMERB, summer sessions, etc. It was a year and a half-long process, culminating in her Induction into USNA 10 days ago. We'll see where the next ones lead!

weenie · 07-08-2006, 08:31 AM

Isn't it amazing how some of these kids can come out of the same families?!

Since I have no daughters

I have come to accept the way my boys do things. They simply are not as anxious as me - nor are they as fussy. So, within reason, they are likely to be happy and do well at lots of schools.

Son #2 adamently will not take SAT IIs. I am just not going to force the issue. I did force him to take the SATs twice. (And his score did go up.) But now he has this transcript with very strong SAT scores and good, but not great, grades. Can you say a Mild Underachiever? Oh well. He's a great kid (if I must say so myself - ha); very musically talented, very technical, kind, friendly, family oriented and honest. He is what he is, and colleges can take him or leave him, and I'm perfectly fine with that.

We'll look at schools with strong engineering programs, that we can afford, and that aren't more than one or two states away. At this point I want him to at least think about what sort of school he really wants to be at - a technical place or a regular university. Also the rural/urban thing and size of school. I will stay on top of him to complete, hopefully, about 10 applications. (Which is 4 more than son #1 - this might be a pipedream.) Even if he can't narrow the list much, when it comes time in April to actually choose from among his admissions then maybe he'll have a firmer idea. ***sigh***

fredo · 07-08-2006, 09:03 AM

"He is what he is, and colleges can take him or leave him, and I'm perfectly fine with that."

That sums up in a nutshell my feelings about kid #2 and that's what makes it easier.

Donemom · 07-08-2006, 12:02 PM

While my kids had a lot of similarities, when there's 5 school years between them, you have to kind of re-invent the wheel. The biggest difference in the experience was that the first was deferred EA and then accepted RD, while the second was accepted EA. Taking 4 months of anxiety out of the equation was huge.