Excessive Parent Involvement = Chronic Child Dependency (CDD)

foxdie! · 01-24-2007, 01:27 AM

Jesus I can't believe how many of you parents are on this board, typing away and reading furiously "on behalf" of your child.

It seems to me that too many parents go too far and then keep going....

In fact I have a college friend whose mother and father are actually currently contacting firms in his name looking for a summer internship for him, building his resume, and sending it out.

Does anyone have any thoughts on the long-term effects of these parental behaviors. I think the "brightest" and "best educated" of the next generation will also be much more uninnovative and dependent.

NJres · 01-24-2007, 01:38 AM

I think it would be "CCD", not CDD.

christalena2 · 01-24-2007, 02:39 AM

I don't think it is necessarily the parent's responsibility to stop, but the child's responsibility to tell them to stop. We all know when our parents go to far, and if the kid's too lazy to care, then that's their problem.

The parents on here are here for their own enjoyment anyways. They only post on "behalf" of their children when they are talking about acceptances and scholarships...which is just like my mom would do towards any of her friends...brag about me.

Whatever this CCD is...I really don't think it's on here.

frazzled1 · 01-24-2007, 08:39 AM

Quote:

Jesus I can't believe how many of you parents are on this board, typing away and reading furiously "on behalf" of your child.

Hello. It's a college discussion board for, um, parents. So you'll really have to forgive those of us who are parents for discussing exactly what the board exists to discuss.

scansmom · 01-24-2007, 08:53 AM

I have not seen very many "helicopter" parents such as you describe on this board. Most of us are "concerned" parents, either seeking or wanting to share experiences and information that will help our children transition to a new environment that they (and often we) are totally unfamiliar with, in order to allow them to become "independent" and productive members of our society.

It takes a village...

TheGFG · 01-24-2007, 09:05 AM

If my children had grown up in the high school and social atmosphere (small, agricultural suburb) that I did, there would be no need for me to be on this board. But instead they're living in crazy NJ, where parental excesses are definitely in evidence--both in the level of involvement exercised as well as in the amount of money spent to prep. kids for elite colleges. And that is precisely why I came on CC to begin with (though too late to help the first kid, but in time for the 2nd): to understand how the process worked, and then to draw conclusions as to what I really should or shouldn't be doing. In other words, what works and what's just hype or absurdity.

Apparently, we should have been wealthier so as to afford the private schools that send double digit numbers of kids to HYPS! (just kidding)

epiphany · 01-24-2007, 10:54 AM

foxdie,
You have not noticed that the vast majority of parents on CC are engaged in intellectual (& often theoretical) discussions? For many of us, this is more interesting than histories of one's own & others' children -- the latter which tend to be the subject of PM's, often. In fact, the longest threads tend to be about these very hypotheticals (like "What Are the Advantages of Attending an Elite U?" -- one started several months ago)

[Edit: That would be "What are the *Lifetime* Advantages...." I think that's not the same as a similar one started recently. The former has not been active recently, but it had mega pages of repliesl.]

epiphany · 01-24-2007, 11:00 AM

I guess I just don't define EPI as a discussion board. I define it as what I experience in the real world: parents who *stay with* their children in the classroom for much of the classroom day.
(*child freaks out, melts down when Mom leaves*): I wonder why?

JHS · 01-24-2007, 11:25 AM

foxdie!: Maybe it should occur to you that all this activity here is an outlet that keeps the anxiety/interest from being directed at the kids. Could be true, at least in my case.

Of course, I can be catty and critical about over-involved parents (defined as "a lot more involved than I"). I've seen people do things I wouldn't dream about -- one friend of mine edited every single one of his kids' college papers until his youngest kid stopped the process in her senior year. But, years later, his kids are fine -- independent, creative, fine. One of my cousins never did anything in her life without extensive help from her parents or mine or her cousins. When she hit her 30s, it turned out that her ability to seek and get help from people more knowledgeable than she, and to marshall such help from different sources, was a really valuable business skill. She had a great run of managerial success before mommy-tracking.

In other words, don't worry so much about the kids.

OpiefromMayberry · 01-24-2007, 11:49 AM

"Jesus I can't believe how many of you parents are on this board, typing away and reading furiously "on behalf" of your child."

You are making an assumption that might not be correct. I like this forum because most of these parents are at the same place I am in time. Kids in college.

As you get older you're going to find (if you actually think) that you will migrate to others in similar situations. It's how we form our social lives. While you may claim a "wide" variety of friends, in reality, you all have something that binds you together. Wait till your friends get married and have kids. If you're still single, you won't see them much anymore.

"It seems to me that too many parents go too far and then keep going...."

A few, but not as many as you imply.
"In fact I have a college friend whose mother and father are actually currently contacting firms in his name looking for a summer internship for him, building his resume, and sending it out."

So she is acting as his personal secretary. Maybe it's fine, maybe it's a bit much. Are you a bit jealous of this situation?

"Does anyone have any thoughts on the long-term effects of these parental behaviors. I think the "brightest" and "best educated" of the next generation will also be much more uninnovative and dependent. "

Maybe, maybe not. Long term effects could mean a greater sense of "family". An anchor in a person's life. The dynamic is changing out there, the world will be different for your generation than mine. Maybe maintaining deep family roots will be necessary to make it tomorrow.

Personally I don't practice what you state, but I do advise, remind and make cookies. That's my role.

cptofthehouse · 01-24-2007, 11:56 AM

The board is interesting for many reasons. But your question is one that often comes up in everything when it comes to raising children. I asked it more when my older ones were at the age when I was heavily involved, often through necessity, in their lives. There were parents so heavily involved that it raised many people's eyebrows including those who ran children's programs and saw many families, and this includes the schools. Well, many of these kids are now grown, graduated from college and are no longer children. Hate to say this, but in every single case I know, those pampered princes and princesses are thriving and doing very, very well. Now they were doing well back then, too, but it appears that their parents' knowledge and heavy involvement even when it was "over the top" paid off.

ColoradoMomof2 · 01-24-2007, 12:01 PM

I think you're talking about the exception and not the rule regarding parental involvement.

This is a Parents forum. And most of us here are parents. I like "chatting" with others who are in the same place in life that I am. I actually lurk more than I contribute because there are a lot of smart people out there that I can learn from.

Take away what is valuable to you; discard the rest. And don't read what you consider to be tripe.

atomom · 01-24-2007, 12:16 PM

Uh, what does Jesus have to do with it?

notre dame AL · 01-24-2007, 12:17 PM

I second your reply Colorado Mom--it is your choice to be on the forum, turn it off if you don't like what you see!!

TheGFG · 01-24-2007, 12:27 PM

Some of these pampered princes and princesses do quite well I'm sure, but others will soon learn that without mom and dad's help and connections which don't quite reach all the way to college, they can no longer make the team, get the lead role in the play, or write a well-edited research paper all by themselves. Some of them don't handle it too well. Some of them come back home and attend the local state or community college so as to keep leaning on mom and dad a while longer. I've seen it.