How do you prepare a younger child for rejections after older child's success?

[TutuTaxi]

^^^Amen. D has 6 appls completed w/ 1 more to go.

I don't know how some kids can do upwards of 10+ appls.

[calmom]

First of all, don't assume that your d. will be rejected.

My son was a national merit finalist with great test scores, a higher weighted high school GPA than his sister, and a much better college-prep course load (5 years of math, 5 years lab sciences). He applied to 9 colleges, was accepted at 8, waitlisted at the other.

D. had a tough time with standardized tests and a quirky high school transcript -- more focused on arts, only 3 years of math, 2 lab sciences. So I was pretty worried and figured we were looking at the state U. She applied to 12 colleges, was accepted at 9, waitlisted at 2, and rejected by 1; the one that rejected her was an Ivy. (Son had not even tried to apply to Ivies; and she is the only one to actually have seen a rejection letter, but she also racked up more total admissions than he did).

Son went to a top-50 LAC, didn't do too well, took some time off and transfered to a state college off of the radar in terms of rankings. D. is at a higher-ranked LAC than her brother's, after turning down a spot at a top-10 university.

I'm not saying that it will necessarily happen that way in another family -- just that my daughter was not too happy by what she perceived as my lack of confidence in her during the college app season. Her older brother was incredibly supportive of her, told her the sky was the limit and that her test scores didn't matter, and really encouraged her to aim for her reaches.

What's important is that your younger child aim for the colleges that are a good fit and there really shouldn't be comparisons.

[archermom]

Great advice. I was always the one asking, "Do you REALLY want to...? Don't do it just because of your older sister. How about....instead?" I was anticipating the comparisons by extended family. Luckily, there was a 4 yr difference between the two, so D1 just left for college as D2 entered hs. It's just nice to be your own person and find your own path.

[CountingDown]

DS2 has always been good about choosing his own path. He was accepted at programs where his brother attended and made carefully thought-out decisions about whether they would be right for HIM. So far, he has no regrets.

[sta800]

"How do you prepare a younger child for rejections after older child's success?"

YOU DON'T. Hopefully you will have raised them to know they are wonderful/perfect/unique just the way they are. No comparison necessary. They are wonderful in their own way!

[mimk6]

My kids also would not visit this site for anything. After all, I go here. Seriously though, I'm glad my daughter felt that way and that my son now feels that way - I think it would hugely increase the stress level for him to see all the chances threads, etc.

[dmd77]

My kids were not interested in the college information part of CC--or in reading anything else--but they were VERY interested in what I was saying about them. At one point I got this email from my D: "Thank you for not posting information about when I was toilet trained. I can't believe people put that information on-line!"

[PackMom]

S1 and S2 are night and day different academically. The difference is so obvious that there is no tip- toeing around it. S2 knows he is not in the same league with S1 academically.

S1 is at his first choice, our big state u, on a full ride. S2 (and H and I) knew that he did not have the scores for that school so there was no point in applying. With some research, we found 2 other (lower tier) state schools that S2 would likely qualify for and so he applied to those two. So far he has been accepted to one and is waiting to hear from the other on Dec.15. So our solution was..apply to different schools and to ones you think the chances of acceptance are realistic.

[citygirlsmom]

you have to not define success as "acceptances to top schools" mentality, that is where the problem starts

Success is so different from person to person

And its these words like "top" "prestige" "lower tier" that don't help

I would never even utter the words "lower tier" to either of my children or any of their friends

If you look at schools by fit, etc and not by ranking, preparation for failure, which seems to be the mindset, won't even be necessary

It has a lot to do with termonlogy, how the parents discuss the process with relatives, how gracious the relatives are, etc

As for comparisons, just tell family to stop it if they do that....

[ellemenope]

Younger D lived through older sibling's rejection in the EA round and a couple of waitlists on the RD round. She also saw that Big Sis went off to college anyway and is having a great time.

Of course, it is different when you have to live through it for yourself, but she does know that there are good times and bad times, but that it all works out in the end.

[RealMom]

I am truly humbled...what a paradigm shift! Thank you for taking the time to contribute your thoughts. Thank you Calmom - I am not going to assume that my D will get rejected, and even if she does, I will cross that bridge when I get to it (thanks, Anxiousmom). My D and I had a discussion about safeties today.

Citygirlsmom - you are absolutely right. Once I stopped thinking of college acceptances as "success", my whole perspective changed! Today my D and I went on a mission to find the perfect chocolate doughnut and I had the best time ever. I figured I didn't want to lose a minute of my precious time with her this year.

[reasonwhy]

First of all, as you know, admissions this year are MUCH more competitive than they were even a few years ago. There is the baby bubble plus many non-US students competing for spots. So let your S/D know that it's a different environment than when their brother or sister applied to the school.

I think it's important to act like its not a big deal to you which school they get into. Like "school X is great, but I really liked school Y too. School X is great, but school Y and Z also have the sports program (or whatever that they were interested in)". Keep emotions and worries to yourself. If/when rejections come in, be very calm. Sometimes it can make kids feel even worse if they know that you're worried or upset; it makes it seem like an even bigger deal. If they accuse you of being too calm and not caring, reassure them that you know they're a great kid, and that they'll end up at a school that's right for them, not for someone else. When you talk to friends/relatives, especially in front of S/D, be very happy about the schools that they got into. If friends/relatives try to label your children (oh, S is the smart one) don't put up with it. Your children are each different, whole people, with different gifts, not to be defined by comparison to anyone else.

As we all know, kids have a big tendency to compare themselves with siblings. From an early age I've tried to let mine know that they are very different, and that's fine! They each have different gifts and needs and everything doesn't have to be equal. At a young age, my son even wanted some money to make up for my clothing shopping trips with my daughter! I told him I'd be glad to go clothes shopping with him if he needed clothes but certainly no $$ or anything else to 'equalize'. Gradually I think that this has finally sunken it, now that they are 17 and 20 years old.

[cnp55]

I have that same feeling. S2 is a brighter and more motivated student than S1. S1 had an *awesome* athletic hook that translated into recruitment, acceptance, and matriculation at an Ivy.

Can S2 get accepted to his brother's or another Ivy? Huge reach for anyone! We are concentrating on making sure he knows of other excellent schools that offer the programs that *he* will be interested in. S2 is currently doing a sophomore year abroad in France -- he is so different from his brother that it's like night and day -- and we're making sure he knows his college list will be different too!

[nngmm]

There was a girl on this forum (Frecklybeckly, if I remember correctly), who's brother was accepted to HYP, while she was rejected by all 3. She sounded like a wonderful girl, and it was so sad to read her posts, as her brother's acceptances and her rejections were coming in... She ended up at U Mich, became spectacularly successful, (got a lead role in a musical as a freshman, had a research paper published, etc) -- so at the end she was very happy that she ended up where she did.

It is hard to follow a "successful sibling" or have a "successful" twin. And no matter what you say, it'll sting if the younger one is rejected by the schools the older one was accepted to. You can say that admissions became more competitive. You can say that they are not competing with each other. You can say that colleges are looking for specific characteristics, and maybe this year there are too many students with "her" profile. The key is for her to be sure that you are not disappointed in her, that you don't think that the sibling is "better" or "smarter". Without diminishing his accomplishments, you can probably say that he was lucky, and many students just like him were rejected by the same schools.

At the end it will all work out.

[Hunt]

I think parents also have to avoid "talking up" any particular school too much, especially if you have another kid there, or if it's your own alma mater. When discussing safeties with them, make sure you say how proud you would be if they go there.