How do you prepare a younger child for rejections after older child's success?

[mammall]

I am most concerned about not unconsciously lowering expectations for D2. I do think there are subtle signals we send as parents that can lead the younger sibling to expect less of themselves. It's not that we don't love and cherish them as much. It's just a function, I think, of age and fatigue and family dynamics -- how does a family handle two super stars? Sometimes I do float lower expectation balloons with D2 -- potential colleges that are less selective -- thinking I'm doing her a favor, taking the pressure off. This seems to annoy her. I don't think it's what she wants from me. She wants me to totally believe the sky is the limit for her. Just like I have for D1. This may mean a crash landing three years from now and it does make me very nervous. But I'm sensing that anything else would be to shortchange her. I think there's enough understanding now about the capricious nature of college admissions that no applicant or their family should ever greet rejection with a sense of tragedy.

[historymom]

Like others have said, help her create a list that fits her. I like collegeboard.com, collegedata.com and yes even princetonreview.com from the standpoint of generating lists. Then, start visiting. Her choices will naturally evolve based upon what she learns.

This summer I was worried that one of my twin Ds was less interested in the search than her sister. I also worried that her lack of interest would translate into her not having as many options. I see now that I was being silly. She has the same amount of options, she's just choosing not to explore them. She was content with her list as it existed then...1 reach, 1 match, 1 safety, and...since this summer, has consented to adding a couple more schools to it. The visits are key I think as they generate enthusiasm. When application time comes in ACK!! 10 months, my guess is that she'll have six good schools to send her aps to. The key is to remember that "good" is according to her specifications, not mine or her dads or her sisters.

[99cents]

I am most concerned about not unconsciously lowering expectations for D2. I do think there are subtle signals we send as parents that can lead the younger sibling to expect less of themselves. It's not that we don't love and cherish them as much. It's just a function, I think, of age and fatigue and family dynamics

Same with my family. Age and fatigue seems to ring true.
Except it does not work with D2. She is a go getter and a superachiever. She has received no help from mom, maybe a little from dad. While D1 received much more attention from mom. I just let her be herself. D2 is naturally very competitive.

Sometimes I do float lower expectation balloons with D2 -- potential colleges that are less selective --

It does not work. D2 is aspiring for HYP and Oxford like while D1 never even considered HYP. So much for the lower expectation theory.

[mommusic]

Lowered expectations are fine. Sometimes parents are too emotionally tied up with the achievements of their first (and second) offspring. After your genetic worth has been proven through them, you relax and let the next child(ren) find their own way.

This may be ok if the first ones are self-motivated, but if it's the parent doing all the pushing, it's kind of hard on the kid.

[runnersmom]

My D (3rd child of 3) called me on this at a very early age. She claimed that when I told her that "whatever" was fine, as long as she had done her best, it meant I didn't care as much as I cared for her brothers. She also said it meant that I thought she was less smart and less capable. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I thought (and I told her) that I had learned valuable lessons at her brothers' expense and she was reaping the benefits of my new, more low key, hands off attitude! Well, she takes any question of her abilities as a challenge, tackles the hardest courses regardless of the potential for lower grades and applied to the selective (as well as match and safety) schools that SHE wanted to attend. Long story short she was admitted to schools I didn't think she'd have a shot at, attends one and is doing quite well, despite my concerns. I think I learned that what she thought of her abilities and goals was FAR more important than what I (or anyone else) thought. And in the end she ended up with what she wanted...another challenge!

[historymom]

^^^ It's like my MIL always says...you do the best you can do and they will zing you for it sooner or later anyway. There is a balance and it varies from kid to kid. Maybe a good way to deal with situations/dynamics like this is by encouraging them to have a reach on their lists. My guess is that that would encourage them to strive for it and reinforce the fact that you know they are capable.