How do you prepare a younger child for rejections after older child's success?

RealMom · 11-24-2007, 11:14 AM

My DS got into all but one college he applied for two years ago. Now my DD is applying and I am petrified that she may be crushed by rejections. I tried telling her the same things I told him - that it was almost a lottery and that the chances of acceptance were slim, but I can see that I burst her bubble of confidence every time I say so, especially since he even got "likely" letters from some top colleges. I see the wonderful advice on other posts and I think I really need some here.

dmd77 · 11-24-2007, 11:19 AM

"Well, darling, you're not your brother, so let's work on YOUR college list and not worry about how his applications went. You can only actually attend one college."

anxiousmom · 11-24-2007, 11:20 AM

Cross that bridge when and if you get to it, but in the meantime, make sure there are several safeties on the list that your daughter likes.

weenie · 11-24-2007, 11:27 AM

I think we help to teach coping skills by example: Making sure kids see that in our own lives we never have all our eggs in one basket so to speak, that disappointments do not dictate how we live, and putting the college admission "prize" in perspective for all parties.

abasket · 11-24-2007, 11:29 AM

Agree on all said above. And with any acceptances she gets, be sure to point out all the positives with that school so that gets planted in her mind. As another poster said (and I love this) - you can only attend one school. In the end, it doesn't matter that you got accepted to 12 - maybe makes the decision that much harder...

riverrunner · 11-24-2007, 11:48 AM

I'm trying to lay the groundwork now. My oldest is a HS senior and is breezing through app process. It's starting to look like she'll be accepted at a top school resulting in MUCH attention and awe from relatives this weekend. Sophomore D2 is neither the scholar nor athlete D1 is. Nor does she express interest in the highly selective schools D1 is pursuing. I've pulled viewbooks out of D1's mail for D2 that ARE matches for her.

This seems to have calmed things down, as she realizes there are many amazing schools right up her alley, and NOT inferior to D1's list, just offer a whole set of opportunities possibly right for her (beautiful locations, local scientific field work/extreme sport recreation opportunities.) Permission/enthusiasm from us to explore many other choices seems to have helped her embrace her interest/ability matches. "Won't it be fun when it's YOUR turn to make a list of schools you like?"

RealMom · 11-24-2007, 11:57 AM

Great advice. Thank you, all. The message is clear - focus on her, and hope for the best. She has put together a good mix of colleges that match her well, as well as some reaches that she is realistic about. She does need only one college acceptance.

CountingDown · 11-24-2007, 12:21 PM

Thoughts for those who are starting down this road...I have a senior and a soph. Senior is likely to do pretty well in admissions. Sophomore has a tougher academic program and has some interests, but is not narrowly focused.

I am starting NOW to talk to my soph about colleges that might be up his alley. He's been on enough tours with his brother to know what he doesn't want. These chats and the visits also serve to give DS2 some motivation.

He's much more interested in the "full" college experience than his older brother and wants to spend time abroad (both for study and a semester to travel). He's the classic Bright Well-Rounded Kid. We've talked about how he can use his AP/IB credits to enable him to take a semester to travel and still graduate in four years, and schools that would support that (vs. schools that don't give much credit). There are actually a couple of schools where DS1 and DS2 might overlap, though for VERY different reasons. DS2 might also want to play football, and he knows that getting a chance to play means setting one's sights accordingly (he's looking at DIII).

Different kids, different needs. DH went to an Ivy and DH's brother went to a SUNY; worked out quite well for both of them. (Since each paid his own way, there weren't issues of parental finances coming into play.)

Someone in a parenting class told me long ago, "What's fair does not mean what's equal." Same thing applies here. A younger sibling may have no interest in following a successful sibling. Time for the younger one to fly, on his/her own terms.

somemom · 11-24-2007, 02:24 PM

D1 was on paper very similar to D2, except for an athletic hook, D1 madea poor list of schools and experienced many rejections, D2 got into 6/7, but her list was perfect for her (the hook did not hurt and actually shaped the list) D2s decline was D1's ED school and D2 was atually very relieved NOT to get in, as she was happy not to outshine her sister that specifically.

D3 is every bit as bright as her sisters, but not driven- a B or here there was no big deal, she's just enjoying the journey and not a compulsive studier. Here SATs were similar to her sisters, though her GPA lower than their perfection. I was always worried about D3 feeling 2nd best, instead, we have followed HER path, found schools that seem right for her, avoiding the factory of her sisters, put a great deal of energy into finding and discussing HER options.

Just yesterday she got admittance to an LAC with an $11k annual merit scholarship, so by finding her the right list, she feels as good as her sisters, because it is about finding fit.

D1 did not look for fit, she did what her friends were doing and that was her error. She is now in grad school and understands fit much better. She has found her people.

Help your 2nd student NOT focus on doing what older sibs did, but on what will be the right thing for him/her. Remind them also, that relatives and friends may be clueless and not to worry about anything they say!

weenie · 11-24-2007, 03:17 PM

Did anybody read the recent Time Magazine article on birth order? My siblings and I are still laughing about it because just about every word holds for our family. (Less so for my own kids though.)

I find a lot of it quite pertinent to this conversation. I think it really underscores how each person brings their own special thing to the world.

The Power of Birth Order - TIME

mimk6 · 11-24-2007, 03:40 PM

I am in the same boat. DD got into almost everywhere, inlcuding every HYPS school she applied to. Son has many of the same schools on his list. He's very bright in his own right - in fact he edged her out on scores just a tiny bit -- but he is not the writer she is; her essays were the kind that brighten an admissions officer's day. While some may question the wisdom of applying to some of the same schools (some are different), it's also not fair to tell him he can't aim high and/or have similar interests. I am concerned thought about how he'll feel if he is rejected at the schools she was accepted to. I know he'll get into somewhere great, but I know in his own mind that he compares himself to her. They have a good, supportive relationship, but it is really hard to follow that kind of sibling and there really is only so much parents can do. Some things have to be worked out by the kids themselves. It's a little bit like when the kids are little and the team loses a soccer game and all the grown ups say, "oh well, you played well and had fun, etc." Try saying that when they are 16. You can't because they do care about winning. They have to learn that some disappointment is part of life. I think if kids are basically OK, basically feel good about themselves and have a good relationship with the other sibling, it will be OK. It will hurt but once they are where they are going to be and finding their own niche, it will be OK. By the way, I have always said there was an element of chance. I've said it about DD, not because I didn't think she was a strong applicant but because I saw this day coming and wanted my son to know that it could just as easily been different for her than it was in terms of acceptances. I've emphasized that a lot. But it won't lessen the sting should there be one.

coureur · 11-24-2007, 05:25 PM

I worry about this too. D2 is a great kid and is putting together a strong record of success and achievement in high school and will no doubt get into many fine colleges, but she may not be able to reach the very top as her big sister did. But in our case D2 seems to managing the process and expectations somewhat herself. On the one hand she really likes D1's college - loves to visit. But on the other hand has already flatly stated that she won't apply there, apparently to avoid the prospect of getting rejected where her sister got accepted.

The girls are close, but nevertheless D2 has always disliked being constantly compared to her big sister and has often chosen a somewhat different path for herself to minimize direct comparisons. I expect the same scenario will operate next year when it comes college acceptance/rejection time.

dmd77 · 11-24-2007, 08:02 PM

I've read this thread and would like to mention a warning for parents: if you're posting on CC regularly, your kids are probably reading your posts and they know who you are. Don't say anything about your kids you wouldn't say to their faces.

riverrunner · 11-24-2007, 09:53 PM

My D thinks this is some crazy parent therapy site, and wouldn't look at CC if her life depended on it. But heads up for others.

99cents · 11-24-2007, 09:57 PM

My D would not go near this site. I think I'm done with college admission after this child. The next kid, I'll let my husband handle it.
BTW, I'm comparing this college admission process to the pregnancy process. Right now, I'm at the ninth month and I don't care whether it's a boy or a girl. I just want to get over with.