I feel bad, realy realy bad

[somerandomkid]

Don't think this father is a troll just because you've never met anyone who has this attitude towards college admissions. Many Caucasian parents don't understand or comprehend the kinds of things that go on behind closed doors and shut windows in asian american families. And asians are notoriously private about family affairs and conflicts, especially towards people of other races.

As someone the same age as Dad II's daughter, I believe his story and am not surprised about how it has played out. In truth, I know from my friends and from my own experiences that these scenarios are common for asian american parents. I wouldn't be surprised if there were a lot of lurkers in this thread who have parents almost exactly like Dad II. I've had a few power-unplugging experiences of my own, almost identical to the one that happened here. For some reason, I even have friends who have had their power cut when things don't go the way the parent wants. I don't know what it is about Asian parents and cutting power... but there's definitely something going on there. Yes, many people will cut off a nose to spite a face, just to prove a point. It's actually pretty uncanny how heavily culture affects one's sense of what is right and wrong.

[Daeshim2]

somerandomkid:

I wouldn't be surprised if there were a lot of lurkers in this thread who have parents almost exactly like Dad II.

You are absolutely right. I'm one of those lurkers you refer to. I rarely post on these boards but I read them regularly. I've been following this thread with interest for a few days because Dad II reminds me a lot of my father. Too much so. My brother's refusal to pursue the college career my father CHOSE FOR HIM resulted in more than a pulled computer cord. He totally trashed a computer, tv and several other electronic appliances before he was done. My brother moved out and my mother, sister and I were forbidden to speak or correspond with him. For 3 years we had no contact with him except for a friend who would occasionally let my mother know my brother was ok, and that had to be done in secret. My father died last year and refused to see or speak to my brother even at the very end.

I wish this guy was a troll but I don't think so either. The only thing that does makes me suspicious is something else that you mentioned:

And asians are notoriously private about family affairs and conflicts, especially towards people of other races.

I agree. The only thing that surprised me as I read Dad II's comments was how many details he revealed. I guess there's an exception to every rule, but privacy is practically sacred especially to elders. Come to think of it, I don't think I'm ready to rule out the possibility that this is a troll.

[jrpar]

Daeshim - the point you make in the last paragraph of your post is a good one, and it also makes me wonder.

[jym626]

I have not had a chance yet to read through this entire thread, so apologize if this has been said already, but I noticed in another college thread that a student was able to submit a scholarship application three weeks past the deadline, and, according to the student, the school accepted it. I don't know if this is accurate, or even fair (don't know all the circumstances) but it is worth a call to the school to see if the scholarship application can be submitted late. I saw the suggestions to say you were having computer problems. They may or may not accept a late application.

That said, I , too , have a child who likes to push things to the last minute, but somehow, for the mostpart, he gets them done. Perhaps they could have been done better, and he has to take ownership of that, but they get done.

[ricekrispie]

The kind posters on CC have tried in good faith for over a year to help this guy through the college admissions maze. He seems to "get it" for a while, and then he pulls a stunt like he did on Friday! He doesn't get it and never will. It looks like he just enjoys being the center of discussion here, and when things die down, he starts another thread that he knows will get a rise. Maybe we ought to stop taking the bait.

I feel so sorry for his D, but also for his younger S who probably has no idea what's in store for him.

[StickerShock]

I remember one of those articles on kids being pressured where a formula was given: For every hour of structured activity, build an hour of free time into the kid's schedule. Now, I'm quite sure DadII's D is too old to have her schedule built by mom & dad. But the idea still holds true: Downtime is essential for mental and physical health. Sounds as if D is getting that through fun activities, like selling hot dogs at a fair. Or hanging with the GC in a low-pressure environment. I think she'll be better off than little brother. I'd worry about him.

[sueinphilly]

DADII you remind me of my father....

when I was 16 yo, he would turn off the electricity in my room at 10pm everynight. He said I needed to go to sleep then. EVERY DAY. and he didnt' like my door to be shut (when I was alone) so he took it off. Oh, he didn't trust me for a second and record several years of phone calls I made.

I obviously haven't forgiven him 30+ years later.

YMMV.....

[mammall]

I'm really appalled by this thread and the criticism and stereotyping of Asian parents. What if the topic were Jewish or Black or Muslim parents - would you all feel quite so comfortable with your accusations of child abuse, emotional cruelty, etc ?

This is just plain bigotry and it is reprehensible.

[bethievt]

I personally have never stereotyped him and have been very charitable up til now, but what he did to his daughter was reprehensible and childish in the extreme, whatever the heck his ethnic background is. Really destructive.

[somerandomkid]

I'm really appalled by this thread and the criticism and stereotyping of Asian parents.

But we're speaking from our own experiences as children of Asian American parents.

What if the topic were Jewish or Black or Muslim parents - would you all feel quite so comfortable with your accusations of child abuse, emotional cruelty, etc ?

That's the thing. Asians are extremely private. They are usually VERY uncomfortable sharing stories of abuse, like the one daeshim told. It's part of our culture. Now that some people are revealing what goes on in quite a few asian american households, why should you tell them to keep quiet?

[Chedva]

I don't care if he's Asian or Martian. His behavior is beyond the pale for a human father. In fact, I think that the people who are talking about "Asian parents" are using it as cultural excuse for his behavior. I think that's reprehensible.

[somerandomkid]

^^ Obviously it's not an excuse. Do we sound like we're forgiving him? I do believe that a huge factor that makes his behavior so "incomprehensible" and "reprehensible" to the posters here is that he was raised in a culture where certain types of punishment are more acceptable, and expectations are different. Obviously, even some asian american parent posters are shocked by what he did. In any culture there are gradations. But there are signficant differences between cultures. I am confident that a decent number of asian american parents would not be shocked, they would even think what he did was appropriate - they simply haven't raised their voices (again largely because of cultural reasons)

[tokenadult]

My comment on cultural background was directed to the idea that the story is made up. I think the daughter, growing up in America, has to have an upbringing that responds to American realities, and I don't think the dad is recognizing the value of her accomplishments or her really very good odds of getting into a fine college. He should be proud of her and ease up. He definitely shouldn't be pulling the plug on her when she is facing an assignment deadline.

[citygirlsmom]

It does sound like its "expected" and I am one all for diversity, but not to the point where its abusive to people....

[sueinphilly]

the man is trying his best to alienate his daughter.

I don't care if his skin is green with pink stripes.

It isn't right. And I speak as a white female who had college educated American born parents treat me like that daughter.

The resentment I STILL hold against my parents feels just as fresh as it did 30+ years ago.

They also never really accepted my son because he was born out of wedlock.

Yes, there are cruel mean college educated white 'American' parents out there.