I feel bad, realy realy bad

[thumper1]

>>was misjudged and shows lack of control, but he wasn't actually hurting his daughter- physically, at least.>>

I'm sorry, but emotional abuse can be as damaging or MORE damaging than physical abuse. And it can continue for long periods of time because it is "invisible" to others.

[bethievt]

Well, exactly, calmom. It wasn't the plug-pulling. It was putting the blame on his daughter for it. How often do abusers say, "She pushed me over the edge."? As far as we can tell, he's putting her in one no-win situation after another and then blaming her for laziness, procrastination, etc.

And yes, thumper, emotional abuse can hurt as much as or more than physical. I hope his daughter is able to shrug this off and move forward.

[doubleplay]

^^^agree with Bethie. Pulling of the cord is one thing. Blaming it on the daughter is the larger issue. And coming onto a public forum, unsolicited, starting a new thread, and blaming the lost scholarship on daughter is even worse.

[StickerShock]

Plug pulling of a video game is a healthy, positive, often necessary parental action. Plug pulling during an 11th hour scholarship essay admission is nuts.

[tetrisfan]

What kind of a parent does stuff like this? Pulling the plug on a scholarship app? Outrageous! I feel sorry for your daughter, not you.

[Dad II]

Wow, it is still going. I got to give credits to many of you for your imagination.

[tetrisfan]

No but on a more serious note - have you considered anger management classes?

[MotherOfTwo]

By strange coincidence, an article in today's New York Times gives another example of plug-pulling relating to competitive school admissions. This story is about the overwhelming competitiveness and stress in India for parents to get their kids admitted to the "right" nursery school or primary school.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/06/wo...l?pagewanted=2

A director at another school recalled receiving a phone call from the electricity board, threatening to cut off her school’s power if a certain child was not admitted.

[StickerShock]

Happy New Year to you, DadII. Do the Chinese have a tradition of New Year's resolutions? A good one would be to ease up on your kids.

[Pizzagirl]

"It is not uncommon to hear Chinese parents telling other Chinese parents how bad their kids are doing at school when in fact they're doing quite well. Other Chinese parents will likely reply with similar comments about their own kids. They are actually quite proud of their kids, & they do not want to come across as boasting which is almost a sin in a society deeply rooted in Confucius teaching."

That doesn't describe past history with Dad II, however. In previous conversations, he needed to be gently coached that polite social conversation or chit-chat with coworkers in the US does NOT include sharing one's child's GPA, # of AP classes, SAT scores, etc. -- that it is considered appropriate to say "My child's doing really well and has really taken an interest in chemistry / history / photography and we're looking at schools on the East Coast" but not "My child received straight A's last quarter and got a 34 on the ACT and she'll only consider HYP."

[Pizzagirl]

It's not that the two jobs stress him out; he's said he has $112K in the bank for dd's education. What stresses him out is ... what if she doesn't get into any of the "better" schools and has to "settle" for OSU Honors? How will he ever save face, esp in front of the brother with the daughter going to Stanford? He hasn't internalized the fact that a daughter as smart as his daughter is, with that level of accomplishment, who is even in the *running* for the top schools, is going to do just fine wherever she goes. Fancy brand name or not.

He's also very conflicted about the money. He doesn't seem to want to pay the EFC. Well, if that's the case, then you shouldn't put only schools that don't give merit aid on the list. You can't have it both ways.

[Muffy333]

"polite social conversation or chit-chat with coworkers in the US does NOT include sharing one's child's GPA, # of AP classes, SAT scores, etc. -- "

Pizzagirl - you must not live in the suburbs!! That's the ONLY topic of conversation!

[StickerShock]

Muffy, converstions like that in my NYC suburb would be considered gauche. Of course, there are always those who are so narcisistic that they must blather on about their kids. But plenty of eye-rolling & smirking results. Most people have at least a cursory understanding of social graces. Just the other day I was cornered by a mom of a sixth grader who was telling me about her D's "extraordinary" academic record. I was fascinated!!! (not) But that's really the exception around here or at D's private school.

[sh60614]

From my perspective, the reasons for the plug pulling are rather simple. DadII does NOT want D going to Ohio State--scholarship or not. He's made that abundantly clear, both directly and indirectly, in earlier posts. First he says that he'll pay for private universities but not a penny for state U...then when daughter is filling out an application that could conceivably cover all of her expenses to the dreaded state U without his help, an excuse is found to prevent it from ever being sent. He may have semi-lucid moments where he realizes that it very well may be the family's best financial option Then the whole issue of prestige and cultural dynamic of saving face with brother take over, and Ohio State is referred to as preparing daughter for a career flipping burgers.

I'm sure that it's the same reason that Michigan or Wisconsin weren't on her application list. Given D's credentials and the family's finances, they would seem naturals. Those are universities for whom D would undoubtedly be eligible for considerable merit aid, are within a relatively close distance to Ohio and are excellent universities. They, however, are state U's, and that is unacceptable in DadII's world. I would guess that Ohio State only made the list in a moment of semi-clarity as a financial safety, and that decision has been regretted ever since.

Whether it was a conscious or subconscious action, the plug pulling was not an inadvertent, spur of the moment tantrum. Had he not been able to use the procrastination as an excuse, I have little doubt that other reasons would have been found for sabotaging any likelihood of D ending up in Columbus. I'm also pretty sure that if that scholarship app--procrastination or not--had been to Duke or Stanford, that plug would have stayed firmly in the socket.

[morningbird]

Here is a story of how a S struggle with his abusive father.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/s...oryId=17225613

He eventually comes to term with the struggle, but not without soul searching over the years.

I hope DADII's D reads the linked story from someone who finally overcomes the obstacle and strives.