I feel bad, realy realy bad

[Muffy333]

Your daughter, by making a commitment to community service and running her fair or whatever it is, is showing real EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE. And that is what really counts in adult success. No matter how good her grades are in college or graduate school, it is her ability to work with and for other people that will enable her to be a valuable and productive member of society. You should be very proud of her! It upsets me to see parents complaining because their kid is doing something completely unselfish!!!

[JeepMOM]

I see from this thread and from DADII is that he is a perfectionist and demands strict obedience from his DD - and failing any of his expectations is unacceptable - so that the DD can't even take a breath on her own. That type of expectation can be dangerous and lead to the DD not succeeding.

DADII - you need to back off - you need to stop your pushing your DD - You just might push her over the edge. Her scores are excellent - and she is in a very competitive range for good merit aid. You may think negatively of her actions- but it sure sounds like she is acting pretty responsible regarding full filling obligations she has made.

Your refusal to pay for State U may be your downfall - There are many excellent programs available at State U's for very talented kids - and it sounds like your DD has been very succesful in her academic/EC high school career. But it sure sounds like the State U situation is just not acceptable to you at all and you are using that as an excuse.

Your DD is under enough pressure already - and your ongoing stand about what you think she needs to do is adding more to her shoulders - she is NOT lazy - she is NOT a slacker - she has done the best that she can do - you need to accept her for what/who she is now and let the chips fall. No matter where she gets accepted - you need to support her - not push her away.\

You are putting yourself at risk for losing your DD at some point - so think about what you are doing to her - and to yourself as well - and you may be surprised at what you come up with. But the present road you are on may be heading for a very slippery slope.

[Northstarmom]

DadII: >>D to work on a test preparation or write an essay instead of going to help out a HS fair too hard? You are right about the priority. If her priority is to help others, than why does she need go to college?>>

Thumper: "This particular section of your post troubles me. I think helping at the HS fair is a very worthy thing to be doing. Getting a perfect ACT score is not worth the stress of giving up other activities your daughter enjoys, particularly since a 34 is a very strong score. "

I agree with Thumper. When it comes to the top colleges, they'd far rather admit someone with scores within their range that aren't top scores than to admit someone with a 36 or 2400 who is selfish and spent all of their time raising their scores, not helping others.

In fact, the top colleges view themselves as supplying the world with alum who will use their talents and skills to help others -- through their professions and through continued community service at increasingly high levels.

Those colleges don't want to admit students who are all about getting fame and fortune for themselves. That's why at places like Harvard, the majority of students on campus do some kind of community service -- because they like to, not because it's required.

It sounds like you have a wonderful daughter. I hope you take the time to appreciate her.

Also, most stellar students like your D can by Feb. of their senior year write an excellent essay for a scholarship in a couple of hours. They don't need to start a week in advance. They've had plenty of essay writing practice in class and on their college apps.

[midmo]

Dad II, in the conversion chart I just looked at, ACT 34 translates to 1520 (CR and M). At least for a school like Vanderbilt, that is above the recommended minimum of 1500 for consideration for top merit awards. With a perfect gpa, lots of rigorous courses, top SAT II scores and a plethora of out of class activities and interests, she is in fine shape for merit scholarships. You need to worry a lot less!

I don't blame you for being annoyed that she isn't spending a bit more time preparing for finalist interviews. I spent a good deal of time annoyed last year. But just leave it at being annoyed, OK? Shake your head, grimace a little bit and then remember to take the long view: she is your daughter, she is wonderful, and you do not want to ruin your relationship with her. And besides, having a great senior year in hs is a great way to begin college. My son had a great senior year, spent appallingly little time on his applications and essays, and even his classes during the fall (took over a school district program when the teacher got shipped to the Middle East!!), but had a great outcome, a great senior year, and we still love each other.

Now, I'm not an expert on competitive interviews, but doesn't being a happy, concerned, involved, enthusiastic member of the school and larger community serve a scholarship prospect pretty well? Drudges do not interview well.

[anxiousmom]

And remember, emotional blackmail doesn't work. The resentment that she will feel will last forever. Heal your relationship while you can....

[mstee]

DadII -- someone here -- was it Blossom? -- used to post here -- Love the child you have. Great advice. Stop trying to make your child into what you want -- appreciate what you have. You have an amazing, wonderful child who has some different priorities than you do. Support her. Love her. Encourage but don't push too hard.

Having said that, I know it is an incredibly stressful time -- don't beat yourself up that things are not turning out the way you had hoped. Hard to do, I know. Be flexible. You will come up with a solution to this. Maybe not the one you originally hoped for, but things will work out.

[thumper1]

DadII, I just noticed that you are the same poster who was "upset" that your DS was getting ONE B on his report card.

Now...having connected the dots...Please...I agree with others...accept these wonderful kids for who they are. Look at the cups as being three quarters full instead of 1/4 empty. Celebrate your kids' successes instead of harping on the one or two things that are not top notch. Feel proud about some of the great decisions these two kids are making even when they are NOT the decisions you would make yourself (remember...other good decisions are worthy too). And most of all...remember that THEY are headed off to college soon, not you. Support them in their decisions but don't force YOUR decisions upon them. And ENJOY THEM BOTH!!!

[starbright]

Is it just me? Why do so many seem to silently agree 34 is not phenomenal?? Is this world gone completely nuts? Holy smokes!

And why would one assume that 'if one just studies more' they can get a higher score than 34? So in other words, these tests don't actually capture anything meaningful but how much one studied for them!?

I don't get it...

[cgarrett101@aol.]

DadII-

I think it must be very frustrating to watch your D "blow off" things you believe will benefit her (and you) financially. If I were you I would:
1. Back off.....further interaction on this issue will only cause her to be more resistant and stubborn. I have 2 Ds (18 and 20), so believe me, I've been there!
2. Make it HER problem, not yours. Tell her what you can realistically pay.....past is past, and EVERYONE makes mistakes, but now it's time to make it right. Be CALM, and in a matter-of-fact voice say "I guess I've been hard on you because I made a mistake. Now that I've had the time to do the calculations, this is what I can pay. I would love for money not to be an issue, but unfortunately, it is, so you will need scholarships or loans to make up the difference. Let me know if you need any help, but I believe you are old enough to work it out, so I'm going to leave it up to you."

The WORST that can happen is that she doesn't get enough money and takes off a year. That wouldn't be so bad, especially if she doesn't know the value of a dollar. But hopefully, she will focus more on the scholarship applications because it is now her responsibility. Your position should remain calm and objective; remember, it's just a matter of computation, not intended to be punitive.

Good Luck.

[Erewhon]

"And remember, emotional blackmail doesn't work. The resentment that she will feel will last forever. Heal your relationship while you can...."

Great post anxiousmom

Dad11.......Keep it up and you'll end up with a daughter like some of my daughter's friends. They can't wait for breaks to be over because they detest being home---and that's if they even went home.

[mstee]

34 is a great score. I can't remember, but I think I remember that my nephew needed to get a 31 or 32 to qualify for a large merit scholarship at his college in the midwest -- Concordia in Moorhead, MN -- I know it's not a highly selective school, but gives a solid education and is actually quite good for its music programs. I'll have to double check on the numbers . . .

[bethievt]

My son's composite was 34 and he was accepted everywhere he applied. No full rides--except the ones he was offered for NMF at large OOS U's--but he got probably the maximum merit awards his particular schools offered. Like OP's D, he also had a great GPA and excellent EC's. But we applied to a balanced list of schools he loved and we didn't need a financial safety. If we had needed a full ride, the list of schools would have reflected that.

I think the OP has known for a long time that his EFC would be more than he'd be happy with. Without knowing his D's list of schools, we have no idea whether there's any financial safety in there. I hope so, for her sake, but a gap year isn't the end of the world.

[thumper1]

Folks...unless I'm missing something, the OPs daughter has already been accepted at the flagship U. Perhaps he can clarify but I thought this was with merit aid and honors college. If it's not already, if it's the flagship I THINK it is...she has a good chance at that and the scholarships that go with them. BUT the OP is now saying he won't pay for the flagship because DD hasn't done her share of work for other scholarships. Given this student's hard work and dedication (ok...not as perfect as her dad seems to want it to be)...her grades and 34 ACT are fabulous, there is no reason why she won't be attending college next year. OH...and if the EFC calculators are saying that the family contribution can be higher, perhaps the family can look at how they can help this daughter attend college. You know...many of us on this forum have "tightened our belts" to help finance college educations. Going "out" for us, means to a friend's house, not a restaurant or move. "New" clothes means a trip to Goodwill not Nordtrom. A "new car" is one with less that 100,000 miles on it...but more than 80,000 miles on it. We've lowered the thermostat (and put on fleece tops), cut back on our cable TV options, eat less costly food and ALL of the leftovers, etc. And yes...we have tapped into savings and investments to help fund college for our kids.

But most of all...I think this OP needs to be supportive and not critical.

[mom60]

I agree with everyone that your D's scores are great.
From the beginning you have been aware that her list had schools that were not going to be financially safe but went with it anyway.
Your D works hard. She probably feels like you think she doesn't work hard enough. I think she might be getting mixed messages about what you are willing to pay. She might think that if she gets into any of her dream schools you will find the money to pay. And from some of your posts it sounds like at times you are willing to pay if you had to.
I don't get not paying for the instate school.
I might sit her down one more time and not tell her she needs to do the scholarship apps but with a clear message what you can pay and that if she wants to go to some of these schools merit aid is essential. Then it is said and the choice is hers to make.

[Columbia_Student]

DadII, I understand your frustration completely. Luckily for me, my DD is very cooperative. She filled out all the scholarship applications that I handed to her. She knew that I spent a lot of my time researching these scholarships for her, she did not waste my effort. I don't have a smart and stubborn daughter but she does not have 4.0 uw gpa either . You have to deal with what you have, good luck.