Is this helicoptering?

[Adultparentmom!]

Lost in tranlat, you are here asking for opinions. Your daughter can't sleep or concentrate. You say phone calls and emails are a disaster. I do not know how you are even communicating with your daughter, but what is she possibly getting out of her education at this point? I agree with menloparkmom. Your daughter belongs at home. If not now, then when?

[jmmom]

I would never tell you to "bring her home now," because we just can't know enough as strangers here on an online forum.

What I can tell you is that you are not helicoptering to contact the appropriate person(s) at the University in an instance like this.

I agree with NSM and others that contacting the Dean of Students could be a gift to yourself and your D. You three can then work almost as a team. The Dean is schooled in these situations, is schooled in helping your D open up and talk (or getting her to consider counseling when she hasn't so far). THEN, you can see whether your D would really rather be home at this time or will be able to function better at school with a little help from the Dean.

Allow yourself to seek the help that your instincts are telling you to seek. And allow you and your D to keep an open mind, reconsidering as you go along, adapting as you and she want - to changing situations or changes in how you thought she might cope versus how she actually is coping.

As others have said, my thoughts will be with you and hope that things improve and that some of the stress of the situation can be lifted.

[Student615]

This feels like such a silly thing to mention, but one of the things that stood out in the original post was the difficulty you're having communicating with your daughter--emails, phone, in person...all problematic.

If you haven't done so already, look into downloading a program like Skype (www.skype.com). It's free to load and makes long-distance calling (and potentially video chatting) incredibly cheap and easy. Obviously this in itself isn't a solution to anything, but maybe if it's very easy for your daughter to call home (and for you to call her), then she'll feel free to do it more regularly, and it'll take away some of the "worst case" worries. Even if the conversations don't feel "deep," it's a way for everyone to feel a bit more connected to one another.

Again, I apologize for how shallow this seems. I just can only imagine what your daughter and the rest of your family are going through; being unable to communicate regularly must make it so much tougher.

Joining others in their prayers for your family.

ETA: Don't forget yourself + your own needs while you're taking care of your daughters and your husband. Just a gentle reminder.

[Chedva]

Your daughter has tried staying in school and it didn't work. If she wants to come home, let her. It's so hard when something is happening to loved ones and you don't know what's going on. It's not "out of sight, out of mind"; rather, one's imagination runs away.

And no, it's not helicoptering to let important people who deal with your d know what's going on. They may also be able to help you - they may have a different take on your d's behavior than you do.

[Lost in translat]

Thank you for your support. No, I am not able to see someone professionally myself, but my doctor has given me some sort of antidepressant. I apologize if my post wasn't clear and perfectly understand those of you who tell me to bring my daughter home. Faced with an indefinite coma, I decided that it would be easier on my daughter to be back at college rather than be "waiting" for something to happen. We discussed it at length. She knows that unfortunately there is nothing she can do for her father except, and this may seem horrible to some, to get on with her life, as he has always been very proud of her achievements and anxious for her to do as well as possible. She truly does not want to leave college this semester. She just feels that her work is not up to standard, especially her father's high standards. Were she home, there would be little for her to do except fret, and wait.Maybe those of you who have gone through this situation can understand what I don't seem to be able to put into words: she has to live with a tiny element of hope and without the right to mourn someone very close who is still alive. I have followed your advice and sent an email to the dean and to her advisor, so they will understand her inability to give her best. I promise you that if I thought she would be happier at home, I wouldn't hesitate.

[Student615]

I do want to offer one other perspective, since another thing that stood out in the original post was the indeterminacy of your situation...

My family has some very close friends with boys the same age as my sister and I. The father was diagnosed with ALS some 5 years ago, when the boys were just headed into HS and college, respectively. He's been repeatedly told that he won't live longer than a few months, but the family has always chosen to live 'life as normal'--keeping the older boy away at school, even during large parts of the summer (as necessary or desired for internships and summer school), and moving the younger son to another country for sports (next year, he'll also head away to college). When they made their decisions, this particular family had no way of knowing whether they were doing the right thing, but the fact that they all kept 'on track' allowed the boys' father to see both of them graduate + to see one drafted into a pro sports league...three things that he very much hoped to experience with his family. It was against all odds that this worked out, but it did. It's a difficult and confusing situation for all involved, but one that they're currently handling without regrets.

I know that this anecdote is no more representative than any other, but the important point is that there is simply no right or obvious answer in times like these, and the indeterminacy factor is no help at all.

Best wishes to your family as you work through this.

ETA: It's important to remember that we don't actually know where the daughter prefers to be right now. Anyone who's ever known a young girl knows that she's probably feeling a million different things, none of them crystal clear even to her. Despite struggling and wanting to be with her family, she may also feel that school is the best place for her at this time...

E(again)TA: Cross-posted with OP.

[bethievt]

Well, this makes things clearer. I hope the dean and/or advisor can steer her toward help or be the help she needs to get through this. My heart goes out to your family. My Dad was 54 when he died after a month in a coma. It's just hard. Some in the family stayed there the whole time-- some had to get back to their lives--the coma could have lasted months or years.

[starbright]

Wow, this is just so sad and incomprehensibly hard to imagine this road you are walking. I've been thinking about you and your family and daughter all day long.

One thing I wanted to add is that during the very dark and confusing episodes of grief and loss I've experienced, I found it very useful to not operate as I usually do; that is, to not operate with a "master plan". I think so many of us (and I imagine your daughter might be this way too), are so used to being able to think far ahead with plans, implement and stick to them. As if there is one long straight road and you just have to get on it and go.

And what I learned over time is there are times when life calls for a VERY different approach, one that requires working with a tiny time horizon. When I realized this- that I really only had to worry about THIS week, or THIS month, it really was liberating. This is because every day brings something different, both events, and feelings, and you learn as you go how best to cope.

So I guess what I'm saying is can you find a way to liberate you both by embracing a see-how-it-goes approach? You talked a lot and decided to try school. From what you write, however, it now sounds like that route may not be working *right now* for her. So maybe now would be a time to try coming home, and wear that on for size for awhile, to see if its better. By that I mean what she wants and thinks is best for her, not what others want or expect from her- it is uniquely her grief and experience and she needs to be where she wants to be).

It may be the case that it's not 'either/or' ; there is no right way to go, or certainly not one right way for the whole path through. What feels right this week or month may not be right the next. Especially when we have so little experience with such tragedy and complex feelings.

I understand it is so hard to 'play it by ear' with the constraints of a school semester and being a continent away, but some examples might to try to come home for the remainder of this term, and see if that works better for her. Or drop some classes to give herself space to cope. Or say she'll finish this term and then try a term at home. Or some other creative variation.

My only real point is keeping as short a time horizon as is humanly possible and *give oneself permission to change one's mind*, and change it again and again, as one's self-needs arise.

[innovator]

Lost in tranlat, like many on this thread my advice will be to let her come home. What you and your family are going through is very hard.

As a person who once went through a similar situation, I feel it is in the best interest of everyone she be allowed to come home. It took me years to accept and let go my guilt that I did not take the right decision to go see my mother before I lost her to cancer one spring. Until I did, I had this constant anger against those who adviced me to wait a few months until summer.

It looks like even if you keep in touch with her, it is not going to help her to concentrate on school work. Look into the school rules to see how she can take an incomplete this semester and then come back to finish it later. If withdrawing this semester causes financial strain now, it can be resolved.

Your daughter needs a hug and you need it too from her. Take care. My prayers are with you.

[innovator]

In continuation to my previous post, I din't get to read your last post before posting it. (I had started it a while earlier and ended up finishing it a few minutes back). Since she wants to be in school, see if you can be in touch with a close friend of her at school. You will get to know how she is coping from a peer's point of view too. Take care.

[mafool]

No, student615, that was not silly at all. I've been thinking, "Skype" since I read the OP and all the subsequent posts.

Lost in trans, it would be my hope that, if communication were easier and more commonplace, it would become less stressful.

Please do all you can to take care of yourself. You are carrying a sad and heavy burden. It also gives you credibility as you urge your daughter to seek the support she deserves and needs.

You are absolutely not helicoptering. You are actually behaving in a very restrained manner. It does appear to me, after reading your posts, that the time for more involvement or intervention is at hand. As others have suggested here, the time may also have come to reconsider the decision to send her to school. While she may not be able to "help" her father, she may need your hugs and to help and support you. She may now believe that coming home is some kind of failure and that she needs to "see this through." In her young logic, this makes sense. I hope that counseling will allow her to give yourself permission to change her mind.

Bless you and your family.

[sunnyflorida]

I agree that things might improve if you could communicate on a more regular basis, so that a call does not panic your D. Do you ever use SKYPE or JAJAH? They are so easy to use, and with jajah, you can initiate the call via the internet, but then speak to each other on regular phones or cell phones for pennies. If you have a cell plan with free incoming calls, it is pennies a minute for calls even to/from Europe. A regular phone call might help, even if you just make small talk about her day, your day, etc. You could gage her mood, etc. And a set call every 1-2 days or every 2-3 days might be a pattern that would lessen some stress.

If your D wants to stay in school, and if her dad is in a coma with no know prognosis for the immediate future or otherwise, I agree with your periodic communications with the dean and her advisor. It is NOT helicoptering. You are dealing with an unfortunate and unpredictable situation.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I think you are dealing with this in an extraordinary manner. You are a good mom. Get rest when you can. And come here to relieve your own stress when you need to!

[Adultparentmom!]

Lost in translat, you have made up your mind, but the suggestions from others about communication changes are very good.

[Inthebiz]

You should absolutely contact the Dean of Students at your D's school. This is what he/she is there for . . . to help students through a crisis. The Dean (and staff) will help your D get the support she needs and will check in with her regularly. And when the end comes, they will help her deal with the necessary arrangements.

Call the Dean today!

And my best to you. I can't imagine the pain.

[mafool]

Lost in translat, you are doing your best to be a good Mom to your daughters under terribly painful circumstances, and should not be second guessed. Feel free to come back at any time to vent, share, muse, whatever you need.