Is this helicoptering?

[paying3tuitions]

You've contacted the deans appropriately and are considering Skype. You also asked her what she wants to do and got a clear reply, so I'll only add this..

I took this group of sentences from your last posting as important:

She truly does not want to leave college this semester. She just feels that her work is not up to standard, especially her father's high standards. Were she home, there would be little for her to do except fret, and wait.

Perhaps, then your role is to support her as much as possible that her decision is okay. If things were normal, she'd be achieving to a high standard, but things aren't normal. So teach her to adjust her expectations of herself.

My favorite phrase to people in such situations is, "Sometimes, to survive is to triumph."

Under the circumstances, if all she does is manage to hang in there for the term (that's her choice, as you said) then it doesn't matter what are the grades. The "proud of her achievements" dad would certainly understand that simply continuing on is a worthy "achievement."

I'm thinking you have to give her a way to accept her academic performance level and not beat herself up over THAT. Just bring down the expectations, or think of times when the Dad also recognized someone soldiering through when it was tough. She needs to tell herself that her Dad would be proud of her, regardless of the grades, this particular term.

My heart goes out to your entire family.

[mafool]

Absolutely spot on, paying3. Very, very wise, insightful, and helpful.

[Lost in translat]

Yes I do need to vent and am incredibly grateful for your presence on this forum as well as advice. D's advisor wrote back a very insightful mail about D. In his opinion, it was the right choice to send her back from college. He says that she is/will be getting help not only from professionals but also from her peers, and that he is keeping a close eye on her. He told me that one of her fears was of losing her merit scholarship and that he has managed to set her mind at rest on that subject, and all her profs have told her that she can have extra time if needed for assignments.
As many of you have said, the most important (and difficult for me) is to come to terms with the fact that this is not a time for thinking or planning ahead, but just trying to get through each moment as it comes. I've made sure that D has enough money to get a plane ticket, and she knows that if she needs to come back, for whatever reason, she will be welcomed home.

[marite]

Lost in Translation:

I have just found this thread and want to say how very very sorry I am about your husband and the rest of your family. What a very sad and stressful situation for you all, compounded by distance.
You did absolutely the right thing to contact the dean of students (or whoever). Most of the time, professors are very willing to cut some slack for students who are experiencing personal difficulties, knowing very well that they have to have an effect on academic performance. With her mind at ease over her scholarship, your D can concentrate on just doing what she can--it may not be what she would be capable of doing in ordinary times, but these are not ordinary times. She should not beat herself over a less than stellar performance. To put things in context, I had a terrible time in my first year in college, but managed to right myself sufficiently to be admitted to grad school later.
Like your D, I had a plane ticket available. It was very comforting to know that I could use it if I wanted to. Knowing that I had that escape hatch made it easier for me to concentrate on doing better one step at a time. I hope your D feels the same way.
Your whole family will be in my thoughts.

[Northstarmom]

Lost in Translation,
You and your D are handing a very difficult situation well.
My thoughts are with you.

[revolcgirl]

My mom died of an aneurysm when I was eight, she was in a coma for the days before she died and I will never forget those days I spent by her side just holding and kissing her hand and stroking her hair and touching her face and telling her how much I love her and that I will never be bad ever again when she got better. I am almost 18 now, but a part of me is still and will forever be stuck at eight years old. I don't know what your family believes, but it's in times like these that you realize what you think matters in life really doesn't matter. And it's in times like these when there is absolutely no hope that you can realize that hope is really the only thing there is. If you cry out with an honest and broken heart I promise He will answer.
Things are obviously different when you're eight years old and lose a parent and when you're in college facing that possibility. When you're eight your parents are your life, when you're in college you're finally starting to build your own. But a child is still a child, and there is nothing that can replace the last moments you spend with your parents, even if it's just watching them breathe on a hospital bed.
The guilt you carry when your parent dies is immeasurable. And no matter how much you know that nothing is your fault, that you have nothing to be guilty about, it still haunts you. I think your daughter is torn between wanting to do the “right” and noble thing and stay at school, to believe that that is what her father would want her to do, to fulfill those expectations he had of her. She closes up because she doesn’t want you to see her pain, she wants you believe, to make herself believe, that she is fine. But she is distressed and obviously not fine. I never got to grieve the loss of my mother because I instantly became the strong one for my family, I did the “right” and noble thing and held it together. I didn’t want to be selfish and let myself fall apart when everything else around me, my family, was falling apart too. The effects of this have echoed throughout my life, in ways I could never have imagined. Deep rooted issues is all that can come of it. I know things are more intense for me because I was so young and it completely shaped my entire character, but when you don’t get to properly mourn, pain that you can never let go of becomes etched as a part of you. Tell her that you want her home, because you need her there. Because you miss her and you want to spend time with her. Let her be a hero in disguise. No matter what your daughter says, I would say, baby, you’re coming home.
Let it be a blessing. Let your daughter have time, not to wait around and fret, but to love and reflect. Let her find herself in the midst of her family, where she belongs, not at school in another country. Don’t let her get lost, in her school work, in her guilt, in her pain, because if she stays at school that will be the only way for her to cope and carry on. Let her be selfish in her pain when you’re allowed to be, when you’re supposed to be, so that she can properly mourn, properly build herself up again. Otherwise, years down the road, she’ll find herself wanting to be selfish in her pain and carrying it forever like I do.
You can be victorious, even in death. Life is beautiful that way.

[jmmom]

revolcgirl, I know that your post was very meaningful to me and I hope will have some insights for the OP.

I do want to express a bit of a different experience re the death of a parent (respectfully, as I hope you will understand). My father died when I was in college. I did not feel any guilt about his death. I think this may well be the difference between losing a parent as a very young child, as you did. And losing a parent as a young adult.

As you say, we are always "children" to our parents, but I think your experience of immeasurable guilt may not be the experience this daughter will have. No way of knowing if her experience will be more like mine or more like yours. But I wouldn't want Lost in Translation to worry that her daughter will of necessity feel immeasurable guilt. She might not. She will mourn, I'm sure we all know that. Whether guilt will be a part of it, I don't know and can only hope not.

[tobia_e]

That was a beautiful post, revolcgirl.