Revival of Middle Class Black Posters

[Alumother]

I have to say, SuperMom, my condolences for your "spirited" young D. No fun to have one that flauts convention.

But, that aside, you are one of the funniest posters on this site. There was a poster, several years back, named sluggbugg. She is Caucasian and lives in Santa Cruz, so I get she's not you, but, some similarities, well, I guess, welcome. An irreverent tone is almost never out of place.

Kind of like the way my mom feels about good shoes.

Oh, and Princeton doesn't look at the freshman year grades.

[Shrinkrap]

D says she can't speak for Christian girls...

[2collegewego]

Supermom,

I'm not sure why she would have a record-- she's the one who is underage.

Personally, I would stop crucifying myself and try to figure out where and when she was doing it. I might put her in counseling-- because that way, another adult is reiterating to her how incredibly unsafe that behavior is.

As far as sending her... My kids have always told me I am the opposite of most parents but when my kids misbehave, I want them close to me. When they behave well, I'm willing to give them more freedom. I would want to be pretty sure she wouldn't meet more online men before I sent her away. I think the first step is getting her to a counselor so that you have some real insight by summer.

Oh, and do Christian kids do it? Christians aren't better than anyone else; they're just forgiven.

[Northstarmom]

1. Can one retain ivy or top tier aspirations following a poor freshman year?"

Yes, many colleges don't look at freshmen year grades. All colleges also are very impressed by upward trends in grades.

2. Do upper middle black girls brought up in Christian households engage in that kind of smut on the net?

All kinds of kids do those kind of thoughtless, naive things. Race, religion have nothing to do with it. Kids are curious and naive. I know a very nice young man brought up in a home with college professor parents who are some of the most nurturing and wise parents whom I've ever met. When he was about 14, his parents learned he'd run up a sky high credit card bill looking at porn on-line.

Parents did something wise: Had him read some of CS Lewis' philosophy books, and write reports on them and discuss them with the parents. All became closer as a result. (And for those who are wondering about the bill, the dad was a lawyer, who called the credit card company and got the bill removed since the kid was a minor and the charge was for porn).

3. Does she now have a "record" (despite what the police said)?
Doubt that she does. The person who should have a record is the guy who was probably breaking the law by what he did with a minor.

4. Does it make sense to send her to a military academy where males outnumber females 5:1? Would they take her now?

I don't think that would be a good idea. I think it would be a very good idea to establish closer ties with her -- do joint activities together such as volunteering. It may be a lack of confidence or overall wisdom that led her to do that kind of inappropriate communication. I think the best help she could get would be from her parents.

5. Why, in sending this guy a pic of "herself" did she send a pic of a white girl? I'm glad she didn't send her own pic -- but . . . does she wish she was white?

Ask her. It may be, too, that it was all fantasy to her -- that she had no plans of ever meeting him so sent him someone else's picture.

"We keep our internet access pretty out in the open and get reports about how much time is spent where, but I guess I could miss it. I'm going to ask right now..."

Kids who are engaged in on-line sex aren't likely to admit that if parents ask them. That's why the rule at my house always was that until sons were at least 16, H and I could snoop in their accounts and computers at any time.

[owlice]

"Do upper middle black girls brought up in Christian households engage in that kind of smut on the net?"

Upper middle class, black, Christian, female .... none of that is protection against having poor judgment, alas. Age sometimes helps, as in, the older one gets, the better judgment tends to be, but only tends; plenty of adults do stupid things (none of us on CC, of course, but, you know, other people: drivers in front of us, obnoxious neighbors, and so on).

I'm assuming from what you have posted that she did not meet the man in question. (Please reassure me on that score.) If that is the case, please celebrate that; it is definitely worth celebrating. That she sent him a picture of someone else is IMHO also something to celebrate; I think it means she wasn't looking to this guy as someone to get to know IRL. Be glad, very glad, for that.

She won't have a record; she didn't do anything illegal. The guy, however..... if he knew how old she was, knew she was a minor, then he may be (should be) prosecuted.

No computer with Internet access where you cannot see it; that's the very first thing I'd do. (The computer with access my son uses is in our dining room; I can see it from the sofa, dining room table, kitchen... you get the idea. He hates the lack of privacy, but he's 14, so tough. He does have a computer without internet access in his bedroom.)

How about a Christian all-girl boarding school instead of the military one, if you are still going to pursue boarding options?

[owlice]

Oh, yeah... I'd make sure daughter didn't have access to the internet while alone in the house, too. She has broken your trust in her judgment and has to earn that back. Until she does.... no unsupervised online activities. There are ways of keeping kids off-line when you're not home, and/or of restricting their access to only sites you have approved ahead of time.

[Shrinkrap]

"We keep our internet access pretty out in the open and get reports about how much time is spent where, but I guess I could miss it. I'm going to ask right now..."

Kids who are engaged in on-line sex aren't likely to admit that if parents ask them

Of course your right....so I wasn't asking my D about herself ( at least not explicitly ), but about "Christian Girls".

FWIW, I noticed (and her brother asked) and D explained she was no longer watching "Family Guy" given her role as a senior in "chapel Leadership" at her school. While I have expressed my distaste for that show, the ultimate limit came from her and from values that seem related to her faith. While we share many values, she does not get the "Christian" thing from us. I'm not sure how internalized they are

I agree about limiting internet access to non-private places, and I find the "parental controls" software from yahoo reassuring, especially if kids don't know your using it.

[dntw8up]

SuperMom_I_Aint Post #53 "...This forum tends to focus on the experiences of blacks in america..."

dntw8up Post #54 "If this forum intended to exclude non-blacks, a racial descriptor would have been appended to the College Confidential name."

SuperMom_I_Aint Post #58 "Don't play semantics with ME, mister -- nobody ain't said NUTHIN' 'bout no "exclusion of non-blacks" up in this here thread. But in 2000 (?), some o' us done gone an' learnt howta read, an' ah do b'lieve it say: "Middle Class Black Posters" up in that headin!"

dntw8up: I can read and I am not "playing semantics" with you. You stated this FORUM focuses on "the experiences of blacks in america." Perhaps you erred and meant to say THREAD rather than FORUM, but I'm not a mind reader.

SuperMom_I_Aint Post #58 "You wanna shine a sympathetic spotlight on underprivileged majorities stranded on menacing Caribbean Islands - start yer own thread!"

dntw8up: I never referred to UNDERPRIVILEGED MAJORITIES or "menacing Caribbean islands." I referred to OPPRESSED MINORITIES, and suggested that on the island in the Caribbean where I live, the minority being oppressed is non-blacks. I used my home in this discussion as a counter example with which I'm familiar. Your view of oppression and discrimination is quite narrow. There are examples the world over where those who are not part of the dominant religion/culture/race/gender are oppressed and discriminated against, even though they would be the majority and/or oppressor where you live.

Also, I never suggested any menace in my neighborhood; that's your hyperbole. However, where I live all police, all judges, all government employees, and all politicians are of the same race (and in many cases related or family friends). Whether that is menacing to people who are not of the dominant race is debatable.

[Triguena]

Wow, SMIA I do offer my sympathies. We have a blended family where my step son was the one "acting out." I adopted an air of moral superiority--white parents are too permissive. I don't understand the permissiveness in the drinking and "hanging out". Matter of fact I have commented to my husband on many occasions that I am mystified at the cultural differences in parenting that I see.

Anyway, we found a great boarding/interventional school that took him junior year. His freshman and sophomore grades were horrendous. Junior year grades were magnificent. He was accepted into a good (not great but definitely good) college. We are holding our breath to see what happens when he is in college is forced to "make good decisions" on his own.

So, yes, it is possible to make lemonade. Freshman year grades don't count. I don't have any parenting insights; in fact from the tone and content of your posts you and I seem to have similar parenting styles so I guess my moral superiority is evaporating.....

[Shrinkrap]

"I adopted an air of moral superiority--white parents are too permissive. I don't understand the permissiveness in the drinking and "hanging out". Matter of fact I have commented to my husband on many occasions that I am mystified at the cultural differences in parenting that I see"

I have a biracial patient who makes this observation as well. she is 13, her parents we not Msrriedibut she visits with both extended famines. She shared this impression in manner that suggested this phenomenon was well known among Black families. Anyway SupermomIA, you have my sympathies and (internet) support.

[Northstarmom]

"Do upper middle black girls brought up in Christian households engage in that kind of smut on the net?"

Probably the more money their parents have, the more likely kids of all races are to do the above because it's more likely that they'll have computers-- their own personal ones at that.

[SuperMom_I_Aint]

Hey y'all -- can't TELL you how much all the notes of encouragement have meant! (and dntw8, didn't miss yr luv note - sorry I can't come out to play. Gimme a raincheck! Alumom -chased down a few sluggwords based on your ref. Deeply moved, but definitely NOT worthy! Slugg's a PHEnom! Saved my life w/laughter this a.m. Owl - nah, she didn't meet him. Thx 4 asking!)

Don't have long to post today. Busy dragging my mutinous younger D off to a gaggle of medics & experts.

Lawdy, lawdy. Did y'all know the following? Apparently where we live:
1. A parent cannot stop a child from obtaining an abortion.
2. A parent cannot force a child TO obtain an abortion.
3. A parent cannot force a child to place a baby up for adoption.
4. A minor does NOT become emancipated by virtue of becoming a parent, herself.
5. A parent CAN force a child to get tested.
6. A parent retains all responsibility for the result, but the child retains all right to decisionmaking.

Wow. And if I open up a can a WHUP a** in that joint, they'll haul my keister off to the pen! Man oh man. I am THROUGH! She'd BETTER not be "in the family way!"

L8tr

[prefect]

Supermom,
Did I miss something? Your daughter didn't meet the guy on the net, but you're worried she "may be in the family way?" Is there another story in here?

[SuperMom_I_Aint]

*Trudges in wearily & drops heavily into a seat* Whew! Alright everyone. Ordeal over. The Super-house is once again safe for mice and . . . well . . . little women.

Concern over the detailed exchanges w/Mr. "Ah'ma-get-medi-EVAL-on-yo-a**-if-I-EVER-catch-you" led to perhaps a wee bit of "hyperbolic" (to borrow from my buddy dntw8) reaction on this mother's part. It would appear that lowercase d has not been quite so devilish as one might fear based upon her exquisitely detailed email communiques (oh WHY did I ever teach that child how to WRITE?!).

That's ok tho -- having lost all texting, internet & freedom of movement privileges through the next ice age, the only thing she'll be doing 'til she's 30 is "writing off any possible chance of a social life!"

SO. Triguena -- boarding school worked for you guys, huh? This is good news . . .good news, indeed!

[Triguena]

Yes, boarding school has worked. But it is a special school that has a zero tolerance for drugs and alchohol. There is also a formidable amount of required parent involvement to try to get to the root of the kids problems. Personally I think their therapy group sessions are a bunch of hooey but that's not the point. It has taken him away from his loser friends here at home and put him in a place where there is structure and forced responsibility and accountability. Every time he comes home though he seems to find yet another loser friend (he must have some kind of loser magnet in his forehead) so I am holding my breath to see what happens when he goes to college.

Quick poll: how many of you parents let your sophomores drink? Juniors? Seniors? Do you differentiate between drinking at home and drinking at a party? I am *not* talking about a celebratory glass of wine or champagne at dinner. I am talking about sitting around drinking a beer.