Divorce after FAFSA Please Help - Page 2

hikids · 03-11-2008, 05:50 PM

Lawyer is first step as other have said. You need to find out your rights etc in your state, not anyone elses. Plus for all other issue related to divorce.

You never say if you work also, but that figures into things. If you end up the custodial parent, they will still count your Husbands income, no matter what. It is a painful reality and if you and your husband were to remarry those incomes would figure in.

In the mean time contact the colleges for the short run, since depending on your situation, you may get a break now.

Good luck.

momofthreeboys · 03-11-2008, 06:57 PM

Blossom gave you excellent advice. I don't know if I'd park every actual document in the safe deposit box, but I'd sure as heck make sure I had copies and I'd sure as shootin' make sure I knew where every penny and dime was. I'd probably take my little digital camera and takes photos of every single item in the house and in every single drawer, but then that's me. And if it was me, since the husband has hired an attorney, I'd get one, too. And again Blossom is correct, a good divorce attorney will fight for you regarding the college expenses. Fortunately or unfortunately everything is fair game in a divorce, I've had friends where the decree and the "list" of who got what and who had to pay what ran to hundreds of pages right down to the potholders. Not cheap to do it that way, but this was an acrimonious situation. I'm so sorry you are going through this. If in fact it is true that you can say "no divorce" in NY then you are positioned well for negotiating...you've got the one thing he wants.

applicantmum77 · 03-11-2008, 11:56 PM

Thank you sooo much for all the helpful info. I bet you all think I disappeared, but I spent the day delving through paperwork, and photocopying everything I could get my hands on. When I got to the camera to photograph everything I discovered he had beat me to the camera! Yes there I found everything we own saved on the digital camera.
Meet with the attorney tomorrow. My husband wants to mediate! Claims if I don't mediate I will be spending tuition money!!!!
One more question. Looking down the road, is it better to go to a school that does not require css? I will make much less than he does. Thanks to all. More later, but I'm running on empty.

swimcatsmom · 03-12-2008, 12:26 AM

Quote:

Claims if I don't mediate I will be spending tuition money!!!!

Hmm - I smell manipulation. And it stinks!

Mediation is fairly common in divorces. It is required in some States. My friend I mentioned before - her husband managed to tick everyone off including the mediators - helped her out no end. You still need a lawyer - don't let him try and make you think otherwise. After all he has made sure he has one.

Really tough to answer the question about whether to look at schools that do not require css. Until you know your financial situation - which could be a while -you do not know what you can afford. And css schools will base aid on both parents. Does your daughter have a FAFSA school on her list that she will be happy with? If he is only willing to pay instate you may find that is the direction you will have to go. Much as I know you love your daughter and want the best for her you need to look after yourself as well as her.

blossom · 03-12-2008, 05:13 AM

You need a lawyer. Period full stop. That doesn't mean that you guys won't end up mediating..... but until you have retained someone whose sole purpose in life (at least when your clock is ticking) is to protect you and your retirement don't get sidetracked by all the "money saving" tips your H may come up with.

There are so many financial eventualities that a good divorce lawyer will educate you about.... do you know if he stands to inherit a substantial amount from a parent or uncle? Do you know if he's the beneficiary of a trust? What may have seemed like a modest estate 20 years ago when you got married (the relative in question owned a house and a small business) could be millions by now. Does he have stock options from his employer and do you know how and when they vest? Can he borrow from your life insurance policy without telling you???? What is the credit limit on your visa card? Is there a second mortgage on the house that you don't know about?

Again, don't want to be an alarmist; I'm sure he's a great guy or you wouldn't have married him in the first place, but the situations I've seen where the wife gets screwed usually involved her trying to be compliant early in the game. By the time she woke up and realized that he'd walk away with the lion's share of their joint assets (either legally or by diverting them prior to the separation) the kid ended up in community college and the mom ended up with an IRA worth $80K which was supposed to cover a comfortable retirement.

northeastmom · 03-12-2008, 05:17 AM

Well it makes sense to take a simple sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. As far as splitting up the material items in the home, I don't believe that it pays to spend $300/hour (give or take a few dollars). You can spend $300/hour just arguing about a 10 year old couch, or who gets the 15 year old treadmill. In my mind this is the easier part, unless a couple is at each other throats. The tougher part, in my opinion, are the finances (house, retirement plan, any savings and investments, etc.). I just cross posted with blossom, and I agree 100%! You need an attorney! For the small stuff like arguing about the treadmill, you and your husband can probably make a list, but again, that's the small stuff. It is the finances that is the major deal!

momofthreeboys · 03-12-2008, 08:02 AM

Wow, he took the pictures...oh my gosh...absolutely yes, get an attorney, even if you attempt mediation you will need the advice that an established divorce attorney can impart right up front. If it were me, I'd hire the attorney and then drag my feet on any kind of discussions of college financial support until I had the actual financial aid offers in writing in hand which should be not too long now. Stuff in writing carries more weight than supposing what those financial aid offers might be. I didn't mean to be alarmist about our friends and the potholders, but you may see a side of your husband you really haven't seen before so you need to be clear in your head what's important to you even if you don't articulate that to anyone but your attorney.

jonri · 03-12-2008, 10:24 AM

It is much better to go into a mediation with an idea of what the base line is. For example, it used to be--and I think it still is--the rule that almost every judge in NY State would require a father to contribute to the level of tuition, room, and board at a state school. If there are "special circumstances" the judge will require more $ to pay for a more expensive option. For example, if a kid really were at the Julliard level for music, it MIGHT be possible to convince a judge that that was a special circumstance. (How much dad has to pay depends upon things like how much dad earns, how much mom earns, amount that is in a college savings account, etc.)

In any event, IF that's still the norm in NY State, you are a SAHM and your H earns a good living, it makes little sense to accept an offer of in-state tuition, r &B, because that's likely to be the worst you'd do if you litigate. Your H undoubtedly knows what is likely to happen if your case is litigated. You need to level the playing field by at least finding out what is LIKELY to happen. To do that, you need an attorney's advice.

Good luck!

gcnorth · 03-12-2008, 10:33 AM

First, my thoughts are with you and your family. Cudoos to you to be able to think clearly about these issues with all the emotional aspects you and your children need to deal with.

I can't emphasize enough the importance of a good lawyer. It is the unfortunate truth in NY that even with a court document ordering him to pay, there are games played and delays in payment (even with wage garnishment.) Many parents in NY have judgements against their exes, but are unable to collect the cash from them. My strong advice would be to get whatever you can towards college up front to avoid issues like that.

blossom · 03-12-2008, 10:52 AM

And to echoe GC's point... a dead man has no wages to garnish. (not to be vulgar or cruel but you get my point). Your lawyer will help structure a divorce which protects your college-aged children even in the event of dad's demise. Every ex-wife in America thought her kids were the beneficiaries of the ex-husband's life insurance until she learned about the GF, the GF's kids, "a special friend" of either gender, etc.

You deserve much support for being clear-headed about the finances before you start throwing vases and frying pans at his head. Keep up the good work. Your children need you to be thinking in a long term fashion for their furutre.

07DAD · 03-12-2008, 12:14 PM

DISCLAIMER: The following is a quote from a website on the Internet. I am not intending to give legal advice and (1) do not represent that the quoted material is an accurate statement of the law of any jurisdiction and (2) suggest that a person retain competent legal counsel to advise them on these issues.

Quote:

The following states have specific statutes or case law that give courts the authority to order college support in some form: Alabama, the District of Columbia, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Massachusetts, Michigan, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Oregon, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Utah, West Virginia and Washington.

Mediation (with each having seperate counsel) could be (1) less expensive to both parties and (2) avoid some of the anger that may poison the ex-spouse's ability to work towards the best interests of the children after the divorce.

applicantmum77 · 03-14-2008, 01:14 PM

Thank you guys!!! OK I hired the lawyer, know what assets we have, working on the net worth statement, have appontment next week for a 4 way????(divorce talk for meeting with H, 2 attorneys, and me.)

Now he tells me his salary has been reduced by 50%!!!! (He signed a new contract for 1 year!!(How convenient)

I'm working on letters to financial aid to the 2 colleges where we have received FA awards.

He withdrew everything from checking/savings acct.(How do I make one of those sad faces?)

Checked his cell. 26 calls a day from an unknown female. 13 years younger! Searched online for her address. Guess I'm starting to get the picture.

In answer to your questions:
I am not currently working. Lawyer says this is not the time to find a job.
Most colleges applied to require css, 3 do not. Haven't received decision yet from the top college that does not require css.
Looks like he CANCELLED LIFE INSURANCE policy. Can they make him reinstate it?
His lawyer costs $600.00 hour!!!Thats almost $900.00 an hour every time we talk!!!
I'm depressed. My kids have worked so hard to go to college, now this! Thank you for your support.

FresnoMom · 03-14-2008, 01:30 PM

so sorry you have to go through this applicantmum. stay strong...

esobay · 03-14-2008, 01:36 PM

So sorry for your loss AND hassle. Take care of yourself, this will likely need endurance!

And how are the kids? The line between protecting them and their need to know must be blurry right now.

Besides lawyer ... school counselor needs to know. and councelor/divorce support group for you?

cyber hug {{{h}}}

northeastmom · 03-14-2008, 01:44 PM

applicantmum, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Are you the owner of his life insurance policy? If so, how can he cancel it? How long ago was this? I would think that there is a grace period. Have you discussed this with your attorney? Can your attorney do anything with the bank records for you? I am also going to send a PM to you.