did any of you not fit in with other college students?

[Northstarmom]

I was very shy when I went to college in a big city, and I also came from a small town, so I stood out like a hick.

I did make a few friends in college, and I continued working on my shyness. College actually is probably the best time in your life to work on shyness because most of the people who surround you are around your age, and there are plenty of activities that you can participate in with people who share your interests even if your interests are "nerdy."

The first time I went to graduate school, I was more lonely than in college because I didn't have a car, and also was still shy, and it's harder to participate in campus ECs while in grad school because most ECs are focused on undergrads.

After, I worked for a couple of years, and continued working on my shyness, and made some more friends. It is harder, however, in general to make friends at work because fewer people will be around your age, and some of the people who are your age will be married with kids and won't have time to hang out.

Wherever I was, however, I did keep working on shyness by reading self help books, joining organizations that interested me, volunteering for leadership positions with them, going to social events even though I felt awkward. The more I did such things, the less shy and awkward I became.

It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I wasn't shy and socially awkward.

Now I'm in my 50s, and am doing lots of things that I was too shy to do before. This includes taking ballroom dancing and acting in community theater. The more I try new things and get myself into new environments, the easier it is for me to do other new things and meet people. In fact, to my surprise considering how awkward and shy that I used to be, I am a very popular person now with lots of very nice friends. People also regard me as "sophisticated," something that cracked me up the first time someone told me that. It was so hard for me to believe because I used to be such a nerdy hick.

[VeryHappy]

Isn't it interesting how, as we grow older, we're willing to do things that once upon a time were so scarey to us?

[Youdon'tsay]

I was shy as a young child, though no one would ever guess that now. I'm as extrovert as they come. However, an earlier poster reminded me that I, too, read "How to Win Friends" while in school -- high school or college I can't remember. I second that idea and, in fact, plan now on finding it and suggesting it to my 15yo who is a bit of an introvert.

I did feel a bit like a fish out of water at my four-year school. I had transferred and found the cliques in my preferred activity already established and hard to crack. I ended up getting an entry-level job in my chosen field that junior year, and it was wonderful. I didn't need those college kids after all!

Good luck to you.

[Youdon'tsay]

Oh, and VH, yes. I used to be terrified of public speaking, but I have just forced myself to do it in friendly situations so that I could overcome that fear. Now, I'll grab a microphone at a moment's notice (unless we're talking karaoke).

[VeryHappy]

Somehow I guess we learn that the world doesn't end if things don't work out, that we're still the same person if things don't work out. So we're much more bold about trying stuff. And we learn we can really handle some things that used to be scarey.

Whether public speaking, or approaching an interesting looking stranger at a party, or decorating the dining room, or sewing some toss cushions. Whatever you were too scared to do before becomes much much easier.

[knitmom]

"knitmom, how were you able to have a social life in college if you didnt join ANY clubs? or did you not have a social life? also, has your introversion caused you problems in the workforce? i thought people skills are really important when working, but you seem to have made it ok in life"

I had a boyfriend, someone I had dated in high school. My social life involved hanging out with him and his friends, and roommates/housemates. He was in a very small dept. of the U, and people had study groups and developed good friendships there. I was in a huge, anonymous dept., and hardly ever had more than one class with any particular person. I really didn't know much about how to make friends. I had lived my whole life in a very small town without the opportunity to meet a lot of new kids, never went to summer camp, etc., so when I went off to college I hadn't really given much thought to needing to establish a new social group. Thinking back, I wish I had done as someone earlier in this thread suggested, and just asked somebody to go for a cup of coffee after class. I think it would have made a difference.

In grad school, I was lucky to be asked to join a study group with some people who turned out to be funny, kind, and who didn't take themselves too seriously in a master's program that had some real blowhards in it. We "clicked," and my whole social life revolved around that group and H (boyfriend from paragraph above). There wasn't time to do much but study and waste a little time at the video arcade (I told you it was 25 years ago . . .), so that WAS life for those two years.

It's been a process for me, and I can still look back and see at transition points in my life where I could have made things easier on myself by taking the risk of going out and meeting people, through volunteer work, or taking an adult ed-type class.

Work has always been a different situation for me--I've never had trouble interacting with people at work, where there's a structure on which to base interaction. (Interviewing, on the other hand, was practically torture. If I could go back and do one thing differently, I would have taken advantage of every mock interview available to me, and learned some techniques that would have made me a better interviewee.)

[Newton]

i wasted my winter quarter by being involved with volunteer groups as they were boring. i didnt really gain much social skills either as i'm still a pretty shy, socially awkward person.

"There are many opportunities for growth in life. If college is not your thing, I see no harm in graduating early. It's for you to decide."

really? but i think my case is worse than just general unhappiness with the school in that i lack social skills big time. so i think northstarmom is right - thats why i've been stressed into thinking that i have to stay in college longer, just so i can work on my social skills, even if i'm miserable while doing it, at least i'll be better off in the long term

i personally dont think the book "how to win friends" helps. people may be nice to me, but they dont seem interested in getting to know me better or hanging out with me.

[Caillebotte]

i wasted my winter quarter by being involved with volunteer groups as they were boring. i didnt really gain much social skills either as i'm still a pretty shy, socially awkward person.

"There are many opportunities for growth in life. If college is not your thing, I see no harm in graduating early. It's for you to decide."

really? but i think my case is worse than just general unhappiness with the school in that i lack social skills big time. so i think northstarmom is right - thats why i've been stressed into thinking that i have to stay in college longer, just so i can work on my social skills, even if i'm miserable while doing it, at least i'll be better off in the long term

i personally dont think the book "how to win friends" helps. people may be nice to me, but they dont seem interested in getting to know me better or hanging out with me.

I think you need a big injection of confidence --it will make you more approachable. You can be simultaneously confident and reserved.

You mentioned volunteering --you're a junior, don't waste your time joining religious/volunteering organizations or specialized clubs with established cliques. Get involved in activities that have social potential i.e. I highly doubt you'll find out about a nice party at a lame key club meeting. Intramural sports perhaps?

Here's a suggestion: do something that completely shatters your comfort zone. E.g. strike up a conversation with an attractive girl whom you've been eyeing. (I mean, you're a junior! Seriously, what do you have to lose?!) Just start talking --don't think about it, don't analyze it, don't strategize. Everything will go fine and you'll have a small moral victory. Then do something else that normally would transcend you're comfort zone. Then something else. Pretty soon your confidence will start growing and you'll find socializing to be easy.

Also, seriously consider lifting weights and learning how to dance. (The two quickest confidence boosters I can think of for guys.) Good luck!

[Northstarmom]

" wasted my winter quarter by being involved with volunteer groups as they were boring. i didnt really gain much social skills either as i'm still a pretty shy, socially awkward person. '

Research has indicated that one of the things that makes people happiest is doing things for others. Your characterizing volunteer groups, and I consequently assume also volunteering as being "boring" indicates either you are so depressed that you can't experience joy or you are so negative that no matter what the experience is, you won't find fulfillment and friends.

Volunteering is actually one of the easiest ways to make friends. People who volunteer tend to be nice people who are open to knowing others. I've made many friends through volunteering as has S, 20, who is shy. Volunteering also helped with S's social skills and confidence. Of course, for volunteering to be something that you enjoy, you have to choose volunteer activities that you like.

" personally dont think the book "how to win friends" helps. people may be nice to me, but they dont seem interested in getting to know me better or hanging out with me."

I have followed your concerns posted here and on the College Life board, and you've gotten many good suggestions, but have rejected them all.

There is something wrong with how you're looking at the world. I am guessing that although you don't realize it, you are suffering from depression. That can be determined via a medical examination plus evaluation by a therapist -- something you can get at your college counseling center.

It's easy not to know that you're depressed particularly if you may have suffered this all of your life, and if you come from a family in which family members are depressed.

Three years ago, I got on antidepressant medication after having therapy for bouts of depression I'd experienced throughout my life. Ends up that I have a seratonin deficiency, and probably had always had it. I am guessing my mother and grandmother also had it as I now realize, they showed classic signs of depression

The medication changed my life. Antidepresssants aren't happy pills. I have normal ups and downs. What I don't have is a pervasive negative attitude and downer mood. I literally have blossomed into a person who is social, has many friends, and pursues many activities that I used to shy away from . I've learned that I have gifts as an actress, photographer and party hostess -- things that I never realized before.

I had been in therapy several times, too, but what really changed my life was getting medication. Getting that didn't mean I had a weak character any more than that would be true of a diabetic who used insulin.

Since no one -- including me -- can diagnose you over the Internet, my advice is to take advantage of the resources you have at your school -- and get an evaluation to find out if depression or some other health problem is causing or contributing to your misery. Much as people like me would like to help you, far better help is available via your doctor and school counseling center.

FWIW: I read, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" when I was a shy high schooler, and found it very helpful.