Wanting Desperately To Go To College

[oregon101]

Yes, you can definitely earn 1100-do not worry about that at all. And if you cannot you can go to the financial aid office and they will help you figure out what to do. You will be a great student and they will not want to let you go.
Get a therapist right away--he/she will keep you on track. You do not necessarily need to inform you mom about this if it makes you more comfortable keeping the appointments. I feel OK saying this to you because you have both your mother's and your own best interest at heart. In the end-you need college/career/your own family and your mom needs to be healthy and live her own life even when you are close to her. Keep us posted!

[Northstarmom]

"My dad's brother, when I told him last year I am applying to collleges, asked me how is my mother is going to live alone? He is said it will be better I go to a cc nearby and take care of my mother. They don't understand I have ambitions too. "

More than likely your relatives know that your mother is very manipulative and needy, and they'd rather have you than themselves caught in her web.

"Money wise, I think I can make it there. There is 1100 per semester for meals plans that isn't covered by scholarship. But I am confident I can work part-time to cover that right? "

I think that's a stretch because normally students are advised not to work more than 10 hours a week.

"There is another college that would meet all my expenses but I prefer this one since it has the course I want study (biochem)."

Frankly, the college that would pay all of your expenses sounds like the better deal unless it's not at all a very good college. In addition, typically the grant part of financial aid decreases at colleges each year, particularly after junior year, and the amount of loans in students' packages increases. Since you can't count on your family for economic support, seems it would be best to take the best financial offer.

Also, most college students change their majors at least twice, so in the long run, it may not matter that the college with the best aid offer doesn't have a biochem major.

What colleges are you deciding between? There probably are some parents here who are familiar about them and could offer good advice.

[marite]

It should be possible to earn enough to cover the meal plan through work-study. In my area, the work-study rate is $10 per hour. Many students manage to earn a lot more, often by working off-campus. You should contact the finaid office about work opportunities during term time and also summer.

[SkyGirl]

Ramapo College of New Jersey is my choice (they gave me Presidential scholarship: covering tuition and room)

Berea College : has a guaranteed tuition scholarship and work-study. And since I have high need, their financial aid offer said they are giving adittional grant will be covering room,meals, and books

So far these choices are the only ones financially viable for me. Still a small hope my wailtist at Barnard will come through.

I contacted Ramapo's fin aid about loans/work study. Still waiting for an answer. And I have 5000 saved up in my name since I had worked

[Northstarmom]

I think that you should go to the college that's offering the best financial deal. You don't need to major in biochemistry to go to medical school. I've friends who are doctors who majored in biology, and engineering. As long as you take the prerequisites for medical school, it doesn't matter what your major is.


In checking Berea's site, I'm impressed that a chemistry grad was a co-recipient of the Nobel prize in chemistry a few years ago.

I also like what the chemistry dept.'s site says: "
The Department of Chemistry offers a full set of courses designed to prepare a student for graduate study, medical school, secondary education, or work in the chemical industry"

I also liked these aspects of Berea as well as its expertise and experience with low income, first generation college students: "Our classes are taught by professors, not graduate students and our 10:1 student to teacher ratio means that you’ll receive the personal attention you need to succeed. And with over 45 majors, minors, and programs to chose from—you’ll probably find the field of study you are interested in—or develop new interests.

The laptop computers provided to every enrolled student allow our professors to use technology to enrich the classroom experience without excluding anyone (and you keep the laptop when you graduate)."

Meanwhile, prepare yourself for your mother's manipulative actions to escalate as you approach leaving home. Please get some kind of counseling for yourself to help you through the stress of dealing with her behavior.

Make sure, too, that you have control of your finances, and don't depend on her for anything, even a ride to whatever mode of transportation you'll use to go to college. One of my former students who had a mom similar to yours almost missed the bus to college because her mother had promised to take her, but then refused to at the last minute.

Do not depend on your mother for anything in regard to your college plans, because if you do, you're apt to be very disappointed.

[SkyGirl]

Alright Northstarmom, I guess I should think about Berea more seriously too this week.
Ramapo's meal plans are only for the first year though it seems. After that, whether meal plans are required are based on the dorms we choose

[ADad]

Skygirl,

I have nothing to add to the wonderful and insightful advice of Northstarmom and others here. I would just like to add my voice of admiration and encouragement to those of the other voices.

Good luck!

[lorelei2702]

Ramapo is a very nice school, but Berea is well known nationally. You can be a chemistry major at Berea, and biochemistry is not a necessary major for ultimate academic focus...that is for graduate school. Berea specializes in support for students who have limited resources, and they make no assumption that someone will pick up the slack except for the students themselves. Every student works at Berea, so there is no socio-economic stigma, and there is a strong student-life staff and program.

Good luck, SkyGirl. We are all rooting for you, eager to support you. Lorelei

[2blue]

Wow, getting admitted to Berea is impressive, SkyGirl! I would think long and hard about it. Chemistry would be a great background for med school. The support system at Berea would be ideal. Working less will help tremendously, plus it would be great not to have to worry about losing the scholarship. I'll second NSM's sage advice not to count on your mom for anything throughout the process.

[huguenot]

I also like Berea. I think that the fact that it is a Christian college may mean you get more support and encouragement, just because the spiritual is part of their mission. One of the colleges I'm an alum of was a Christian college and I really appreciated the concern for my personal well-being (not just education, though of course, that's the point) that my professors and the administration showed. In the challenging circumstances you are enduring, that may make a real difference.

The financial is also a big plus for Berea. You will have enough to worry about without constantly worrying if you can pay the bills.

I hope we'll hear back from you next year no matter where you go, that you are happy and doing well!

[momofnewP]

Sky You go to college! I had a mother like yours. And for me it only got worse. (This is not necessarily how it will be for you.) Whatever I did wasn't enough. Your mother has to make her own life. You have every right to make your own life. She is not your responsibility. She seems to be setting it up to isolate herself from everyone but you. A self fulfilling prophecy for her.

I realized that mine had/has some emotional problems, putting it mildly. And that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. I had to divorce her like some people divorce spouses.

You will find your way. But you won't do it by staying home and not going to colege. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Northstarmom]

I found this information about Berea on a very informational blog that I frequently read (I also know the blogger). Since CC doesn't allow links to blog, use Google to get to the blog. Based on the below, it seems that probably no college in the country would better meet your needs than Berea, which even has experiences with students whose families are reacting negatively to their going to college. Also e-mail the blogger, Carolyn, for more info. Although not around CC much now, she has been a great help to many here, particularly first gen college students.

"Hidden Gem: Berea College
While "elite" schools like Harvard and Princeton struggle to figure out how to attract - and retain - low income and minority students, a small college in Kentucky has been successfully doing so for over 150 years.... Berea College is dedicated to providing educational opportunity, primarily to students from the Appalachian area, "who have great promise and limited economic resources."...

I recently asked Joe Bagnoli, Berea's Associate Provost for Enrollment Management, who himself graduated from Berea,some questions about Berea's unique mission and educational experience.

Joe, as a graduate of Berea yourself, can you describe your experience as a Berea student and how your Berea experience shaped your life?

My brother, who was the oldest of six boys, found Berea when he was visiting a nearby college as a senior in high school. ...By the time my brother and mother returned home, the decision for him to attend Berea had already been reached. I followed him one year later and our third brother enrolled the following year. We all left Berea debt free and immediately enrolled in graduate or professional school programs.

My older brother went to medical school and eventually became chief resident for physical medicine and rehabilitation at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. I earned a Master of Arts in Student Personnel Services for Higher Education and currently serve as Associate Provost for Enrollment Management at Berea, following a five-year term as Director of Admissions. My younger brother was admitted to every physical therapy school at which he applied and chose to attend the University of Louisville, where he was the only Berea alumnus in the program. Competing against students from "big name" schools, he graduated as the valedictorian. He credits Berea for his academic success at the University of Louisville. I have just scratched the surface. The previous facts may be impressive to some of your readers, but as for how Berea has shaped my life, a much deeper story must be told. I'll do that as briefly as possible.

I attended 12 years at parochial schools before coming to Berea. Almost everyone I knew looked and talked a lot like me and came from a similar religious, racial and cultural background. It wasn't until I arrived at Berea that I realized there were such differences in perspectives, values, priorities and people. During those four years on campus, encounters with the wide variety of individuals here changed me forever. It was like part of a peninsula breaking off and floating into the ocean without any possibility of a return to its original state. Many more than I can recall were responsible: my roommate who challenged my Catholic heritage; my professor who encouraged me to redefine gender roles; my African American friend (the first I had ever encountered more closely than in passing on a sidewalk) who helped me learn my notes in choir; the remarkably intelligent physics major with a long beard and thick southern drawl; the Mexican girl who was both grateful to study in the US and committed to giving as much to those around her as she received; the guys on the tennis team who broke patterns of conventional wisdom that suggested the strongest players were always the most popular, had the bravest hearts and were the most likely to attract women.

I discovered that so many things I had always believed to be true were simply figmants of my imagination. Catholics are not the only religious people in the world. Men are not the only people capable of balancing work and family life.. ..

Berea didn't just train my brothers and me for the job market; it redefined who we are and how we understand the world in which we live. For an Italian Catholic who was so tightly bound to his family of origin, I have come to see all people as my brothers and sisters; to see myself reflected in their faces, hearts and minds. I am capable of the same virtues and vices possesed by those whose environments have shaped decisions that uplift or diminish those around them. But like every Berea graduate, I am assigned a responsibility to lead others to such an awareness. Many Bereans heroically accept that responsibility where they live and work.

Many "top" universities talk a great deal about access for low income, underserved students, but yet seem to have had relatively small successes in terms of really opening their doors to this population. What lessons could these universities learn from Berea, both about attracting these students, and insuring that they are successful in college?

While exceptions certainly exist, I believe some generalities can be observed in this population. Those of modest means tend to place a great deal of value on personal relationships. Building relationships with the entire family is often necessary to communicate an interest in the well-being of the prospective student. They are a package deal - even when the family has the proclivity to hold the student back from reaching her fullest potential.

Once enrolled, a partnership with the parent(s) is a helpful source of support to the student. Success in the transition or the period immediately following matriculation is important to the retention of underserved students. Early feedback, peer mentorship, good advising, and lots of affirmation are helpful to students who have not inherited the family roadmap to a degree. ...

Academically, what are Berea's particular distinguishing strengths?

What distinguishes Berea's academic programs from others is the combination of a rigourous disciplinary approach to majors with a broad general education program combined with a good deal of opportunity to pursue electives of interest. Additionally, the Berea Term Abroad program provides a significant financial incentive for approximately 1/2 of Berea students. We provide a laptop for every entering student and offer a number of service-learning courses that make connections between the traditional classroom and a community agency. "

[copter]

It sounds like your mother has reversed the parenting role. It is her job to take care of you, not the other way around. It sounds like it has been going on since your were a child, and it is wrong and damaging that she has put you in this position.

From your description of her behavior, she seems very difficult and irrational and she may escalate her needy and manipulative behavior in the future. You can try to set things in place for her if it eases your mind that she'll be okay in your absence, but her health and happiness are her responsibility, not yours.

Clearly, you love and care for your mother, but you have a right to pursue your own aspirations in life, too. If she's incapable of understanding that, if she believes it is appropriate to put her own fears and anxieties ahead of your best interest, then she needs psychiatric care, and you are not equipped to attend to her mental health needs.

[MidwestMom2Kids_]

You will make your own decision, of course, but I would agree with the other posters in saying that you should head off to college this fall (I think you would later regret it if you did not) and that Berea sounds like a very good idea. Good luck. Keep us posted; maybe we can help you in some way. At least we can give you moral support.

[MidwestMom2Kids_]

She is threatening me that if I come home after leaving for college, I will find her rotting in the house dead.

This situation is too stressful. It is not right that a high school aged student is having to deal with this alone.