Wanting Desperately To Go To College

[Northstarmom]

You also may want to contact Berea to get advice now on how to cope with your mom. They may also be able to reach out to her and offer her some emotional support and guidance, which may make both of your situations better.

[Dad II]

It is really your personal decision. My DW had the same situation. She graduated HS with excellent stats (you all know where our DD got her genes), got a 100% Full ride to attend NC State. Her Mom said no and she stayed home. She went to a local CC and worked part time to support her school and family.

It is a tough decision and I feel sorry that you have to deal with it.

[dmd77]

I read through all these posts to see if anyone had suggested that your mom sell the house and move into assisted living.

My mother, who had emphysema and was very difficult, moved into assisted living after NONE of her five children (myself included) accepted her "offer" to move in with us and give us all the remaining money in exchange. Instead, she found an assisted living community and bought an apartment there.

If your mother is truly disabled, she should be receiving $$ from social security. If you sell the house, she can use those $$ for her assisted living facility, and her social security dollars to pay the on-going fees.

Assisted living is NOT a nursing home. It is a self-contained facility for those who want assistance with daily living. My mother's facility had a central restaurant with three meals a day, regular community activities, weekly house-cleaning, and a nursing home on premises for those who briefly needed additional car.

Your mother's doctor may well be aware of assisted living facilities in your area. Here in western Washington, I know of three or four within a ten mile drive of my house; they are becoming more common everywhere as the baby boomers age.

My advice: tell your mother you will be leaving. Give the date you'll be leaving. Tell her you will spend the next few months helping her to set up a support network. Perhaps her pension will cover having a visiting nurse come in once a week? Can Meals on Wheels be arranged so that she has good food regularly? Is there a local grocery store or milk delivery service that delivers once a week?

Instead of giving in to your mother's demands, think of how to replace the services you provide. If you go to church, ask your minister for help. If you don't go to church, ask your doctor's office if they can recommend someone to help. You may have an "elder council" in your area; they can help you find those services.

Instead of being emotional, be practical. Think how a disinterested uninvolved person would solve the problems you've presented: your mother needs someone to cook for her, wants regular company (would she like a cat?), and is depressed. If you weren't there, how would a social worker help with those issues?

[MomOFour]

Sky Girl, I rarely weigh in on please help me make up my mind threads but Berea is the golden ticket. Your mother will survive without you and ultimately you will be better able to help meet her needs as a well-educated college graduate. There's nothing wrong with Ramapo either but I don't think they could provide you with the personalized support you would get at Berea. Parents frequently have to use tough love, you need to use that with your mother right now. I fear if you stay home and go to CC she will only become more needy and eventually you'll end up missing class because she's upset.

[Northstarmom]

There also should be an agency in your area that provides free or low cost services to disabled people. Connect your mom with it, and encourage her to use their services.

Your mom is an adult, and you should not have to do all of the work of lining up assistance for her. I agree with those who point out that the parent-child roles have been reversed. From what you've posted, it doesn't seem that your mother is mentally incapable of finding help for herself. She just has gotten used to depending on you and wants that comfortable relationship to continue. You can help her by teaching her how to take care of herself, and providing her with a list of resources that offer services to people like her.

I know people who are extremely disabled -- blind, deaf, cerebal palsy, multiple sclerosis, who manage to live alone and care for themselves.

Realize that if anything happens to you (and illnesses, accidents, death can come to anyone at any age), your mom will have to take care of herself, so by encouraging and allowing her to do so now, you're giving her essential skills that could help her live comfortably whatever the future holds.

[2blue]

I called our local Agency on Aging to ask if they provide services to disabled people your mother's age. They told me they don't provide services till age 60, but if you have trouble finding out what is available in your community for disabled people, your local AoA would know where to refer you. To locate the phone number of the one here, I looked in the "Government Section" of my phone book, under the listing for my county government. From there I looked for Agency on Aging. I could also retrieve the info by googling ______ County Agency on Aging.

[Faline2]

I hope you don't mind if I state a strong opinion that Berea is the school for you. I have met many graduates in my life...all extraordinary people of character who have real loyalty to their school. Some of them had very humble financial beginnings but their educations took them places after their years at Berea. Alum support will be lifelong. Although they are a Christian school, they are very ethical and welcoming to other faiths, and the school has a good ethical core. Their entire focus is to support the "whole person" in a student, and you could use this kind of support. In my opinion, college is also a time for finding adult mentors who can compensate in some ways for deficits you had in parenting when growing up. This is true really for every students as no set of parents, no matter how good, have all it takes to guide their children in every realm of life. You need good adults in your life from age 18-22 before you start your independent future.
Berea is well known for having a strong community and for making sure its students get their chance in life.

At the same time, Berea would benefit from having a student of your academic caliber, and it is highly likely that if you work hard...you would garner support and attention from your premed professors.
Berea has name recognition at least in the states where I resided as an adult..Tenneseee, Georgia, South Carolina and Virginia, West Virginia. Obviously, the college is also well known in the more central US states as well. I can vouch for the fact that the college is known and appreciated in the places I mention. I have Appalachian roots.

I agree that you need to step out and put some hours to seek a caseworker in your community. You cannot be your mother's caseworker but you may have to do the initial reaching out for help and services even though she will resist and refuse to cooperate or participate. Get out there and make some appointments. Think about what you find, and don't get too discouraged..go to more than one place to do "information gathering." In social services, it is not what you know but who you know sometimes. Some intake workers are more helpful than others. Present some options to your mother when you have had the chance to look yourself a bit. Tell her you will go with her to see a caseworker or intake worker. State firmly in front of any caseworker and in front of your mother that you plan to attend college but you want your mother to be safe and to get her basic needs for security addressed. You will have to learn to ignore a great deal of her manipulations. You may benefit from 6 -8 appointments with your local sliding scale counseling center this summer. Seriously. You could use some support as you work toward leaving.
Communities are very differently funded with services. Housing and waitlists vary from town to town. Your mother must learn to face her senior years on her own two feet with proper support, and you cannot fill this void in her life. You must have the opportunity to grow to your own potential. If you get more personal fulfillment, you may have the strength to be able to cope with your mother's dependency issues better down the road. You should consider going with her to your local community mental health services office to set up an intake appointment and to get their opinion on your mother's needs for counseling and medication, and to get some counsel yourself. It is difficult to wade through these agencies and it is easy to get discouraged.
However I think some kind of subsidized housing might be out there for her with a few support services built in. I would suggest you go to your United Way in person, your Council of Community Services and ascertain which agencies would assign someone to meet with you so you can get an overview of services in your town, and have your mother assessed. Housing sometimes has a very long wait list if federally subsidized.

In my own family, an adult cousin commited suicide a few years ago, leaving his 80 year old difficult, chronically mentally ill and isolated mother behind. He had been very burdened by her mental health problems and he had other financial/vocational failures of his own.
I can report that the local subsidzied housing took her application and after reviewing her circumstances, she was allowed to move into her own subsidized apartment quickly, above others on the list. Her age of course was a help. She is actually happy with her apartment and with the organized outings like buses for shopping offered to residents. She has a kitchenette and means to get to church. She can afford to live there and is safe. How I wish my cousin had considered finding these services for his mother when he was 45 years old...but he felt isolated and alone. He didn't know how to get out and ask for help and investigate what was available.

I want you to have your chance to build a "family" for yourself at college and to get some counseling for yourself to help you cope with your mother.

[Northstarmom]

Yes, services for the disabled vary based on the community.
I have a friend who is disabled and 52, and qualifies for a very nice $80 one-bedroom apartment and transportation to the hospital a 2-hour drive away where she has treatments every couple of months.

She lives by herself, and has no family within at least a 12-hour drive.

It is possible for disabled people to live alone and to get the services that they need.

[Greta]

SkyGirl,

Chiming in to say I hope you are taking a second look at Berea. It sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you.

I love CC because of threads like this. Thank you to all for reaching out to help this young woman.

[paying3tuitions]

Since your mom's in the same house as when her husband was alive and you grew up, it might also be holding her back, just looking around at all those memories. As well, it's likely expensive to pay the property taxes and utilities, solo, even if there's no more mortgage. Some people sit too long in their houses.

My mom was in a similar situation because my Dad passed on 3 years ago. It's taken her 3 years but she's decided to sell the big, lonely house this Spring. With that, she'll have enough to move into a smaller apartment that she can maintain, closer to other people. She'll be much safer if she needs to call on anyone. She doesn't even need Assisted Living yet, but an apartment's a lot easier than a whole house to run.

That decision has helped her move forward in her thinking, and not cling to the past. We're all (my brothers and I) helping her move this summer. After a while, it's no great benefit for a widow to live in the old family house. If she gets a one-bedroom, or perhaps two-bedroom apartment, and you assure her you'll still come to visit her (in the guest bedroom or living room couch), she'll have a chance to move where others are nearby.

My mom thought the old house was consoling her, but after 3 years, it no longer was. It was just holding her backwards.

In case that helps you think about some options for your mom. We expect that the sale of my mom's house will finance many years of apartment living. You could even run a garage sale for her this summer, and split the money from all that dusty old stuff.

[SkyGirl]

Hey guys
Thank you for all the recent information and advice through these posts and IMs. I read them through couple of times just to make sure I didn't miss vital info.
The minute I settle my college deposit next week, I will start to deal with my mom's worries. I also have research project, (miraculously I got this chance during my gap year or else I will be bored as hell without any major studying to do), to submit this month and I am way behind on schedule. Well I hope I my project proposal turns out decently.
So both schools are great. But it all boils down to some important questions I have and which only the schools can answer. Since both are terrible e-mailers, I just have to talk them personally. My choice of college will depend on the answers I get.
Since I grew up in a small town, felt like I lived in a bubble, I am hoping my college experience will be challenging, different, etc. I hope I find it!

[Northstarmom]

"Since I grew up in a small town, felt like I lived in a bubble, I am hoping my college experience will be challenging, different, etc."

I grew up in a small town, so can speak from experience. Wherever one goes to college -- even in one's hometown -- will be challenging and different. By it's nature, the college experience is different from high school. Much more independence is required of you. You also have to adapt to many different types of people, and taking more responsibility for yourself in terms of your academics.

You have a very thoughtful way of making decisions that will serve you well wherever you go.

I hope you'll keep in touch with us parents on CC because your leap into the unknown is exciting, and it would be nice to hear about your college experiences. There also are lots of parents here who care about you and would be glad to continue offering you support, encouragement, advice, empathy, and cheers during your college experience.

[je_ne_sais_quoi]

Skygirl, I've been following this thread and wanted to wish you all the best. You have an ideal combination of compassion and wisdom -- it was most intelligent of you to reach out. Continue to do so if/when you need.

I am very excited for you -- best of luck!

[2blue]

I'd ask about typical grade distribution in organic chemistry, math classes, etc. for the school with the scholarship. I've read enough about how many of those classes tend to weed out students to be concerned about keeping up that 3.3 for the scholarship while working. Good luck with the research project!

[mini]

Berea is a great, great school, with a HUGE endowment, all of it coming from distinguished alumni, not one of whom could have their own children attend as legacies. That says something! Given the limited pool of students they allow themselves to draw from, they are about as restrictive in admissions as the Ivies.

I've never met an unhappy graduate.