Afraid for my son please help us

[Concerned Mother]

happymom, no he was not in ESOL. As far as I know my husband is not covering for him. And we get the phonecall too.

[Momwaitingfornew]

I'm not saying that he *is* using drugs, only that you must explore that possibility. You have two ways to prove it: one, search his room when he's not home, and look in unlikely places, or two, give him a home drug test. I'd use this last option ONLY as a last resort.

Does he say that he's going to school, and then you find out later that he did not? That's a sign that he's cutting school to do something else. If he is acting strangely AND spending a lot of time with friends, he may be drinking/doing drugs.

Some signs are drug or alcohol abuse are 1. severely slipping grades 2. anti-social behavior at home 3. extreme mood swings 4. sudden need for privacy. Unfortunately, these are also the signs of depression.

You really need professional help on this one. Few of us at CC are qualified to offer advice for a situation of this magnitude, and those who are qualified cannot do it on the faceless medium of the internet.

[M's Mom]

My kid is also attending a competitive-admission magnet program. It's a very academically intense program and most of the kids had never seen a "B" before they entered the program-they were all "star students" with lots of awards: That's why they were admitted. Then they get their first "B"s and "C"s. A few find this so devastating to their self-esteem that they stop trying. This sounds like what may be going on with your son. (You see the same phenomena at the top colleges at the end of first marking period of freshman year, except it's the kids who went to less academically competitive high schools and are used to being #1.) If he is also coping socially with being an immigrant, and with the slower maturational process that afflicts many 10th grade boys (with the resulting impact on cognitive functioning)-well, anyone might be depressed.

The kids who cope best at this kind of intense program are the ones who decide that excelling at one or two subjects suffices. They develop other passions that are rewarding in a non-academic context-music, debating, student govt., whatever... They find friends who value them for who they are. Most important of all, they don't feel that they have let their parents down.

My suggestions:

1) He needs to be assured that there are many excellent schools out there besides the big brand name schools. And his parents need to support that.

2) He needs to accept that there is no shame in being in the middle of the pack of a group of super smart kids. And his parents need to support that.

3) You and he should talk to the magnet program's guidance counselor. He is not the first kid to 'hit the wall' and the counselor can provide perspective and useful coping strategies for everyone in the family.

4) If he were my kid, he would be required to attend school and I would remove the computer except for homework under my supervision until he demonstrates that he has resumed his commitment to learning.

5) If this program is too intense, he needs to move to another high school. If his local public high school is reasonably good, he will find plenty of challenges there, and a fresh start.

Good luck to you. I know this must be terribly painful and frightening for both of you. Keep in mind that one of the best things about the American educational system is the number of excellent schools for kids who had a difficult time in high school, and the number of 'second chances' that kids get, if they don't do well academically.

[lindz126]

concerned mother--we all offer our support and great ideas--I would simply be sure to not leave out the emotional component here--(we can sometimes focus too much on academics and school) if he has gone to school 1 day in last 2 weeks it may be triggered by school stress but his reaction indicates he needs more help---personally I would be supportive while enforcing he go to school and not punitive--if he is depressed he may not feel he can mobilize himself to take action, even go to school and understanding that and seeking help for it is key as teens have very hard time accepting any emotional needs--I would stay away from punishment as it could add to his sense of despair or failure at a vulnerable time.

[paying3tuitions]

It's just a small piece of the puzzle, but whenever my kids began to withdraw from family into their computers, we said we missed them and invited them to do their homework at the dining room or kitchen table, instead. It wasn't a threat or punishment. To our surprise, they wanted to do this and were kind of lonely in their own rooms. We never use our dining table to eat, and I didn't mind the sight of their computers or school papers in our dining room. In this most recent house, there's only a living room and similarly, we just moved our S's desk right into the living room for a few weeks, to change the mood and atmosphere for him when he studied.

Similarly, we urged them to study from their textbooks at the dining room table instead of in their bedrooms.

I didn't bother them, but walked by and smiled, or walked by and kissed him on his curly hair as he worked, brought a snack, and so on. Smiling at them is very, very important. No comments, criticisms or worries. Just positive reinforcement as they study.

They told me that it was better for them. Maybe these bedrooms are too private, or they multi-task doing many things at once on the computer.
Certainly being in more public family space would inhibit them from visiting self-destructive websites, or falling asleep over their books.

If you do this, you absolutely can't bother them or make judgments about what they are doing on the computer. I believe, however, they will use the computer more productively just knowing that others are passing behind them as they work.

If there's a TV in the bedroom, I'd recommend simply removing it until his school performance or mood improves. He might be watching movies until very late into the night, and then is too tired to do well or stay awake in school.

[Concerned Mother]

Update: The school seems to have picked up on it. Apparently they (IB Coordinator and Councelor) have called him down and strongly suggested he get his act together soon or quit the IB Program next year.

He has slowly begun putting in effort but he doesn't start until 9 or 10 sometimes. Then he either stays up all night or does it in the morning.

[ucsd_ucla_dad]

I'm glad he's improving but a kid can't perform well in school if they stay up all night. He should start earlier and his distractions shouldn't be available to him if he doesn't manage his time responsibly. A parent can help with this by restricting access to the computer/internet, games, TV, etc.

[timely]

There is software you can use to limit your son's Internet time. I found a chart listing the features of different software packages here: Internet Filter Software Review 2008 You may not want to use the filtering or monitoring but just the time limits.

If your son still refuses to go to school when you tell him he must, you could send an email to the school (since that might be easier for you with limited speaking skills....but you are doing very well with email!). I would send it to an assistant principal and ask him/her what you can do. They might have a truant officer escort him to school. If you tell you son that you will be calling a truant officer to come if he does not go to school, I think he will go on his own.

I agree with other posters about talking again to his therapist and talking to the school counselor as well as trying to get your son to talk, but you may need to do these other things, too. You ESPECIALLY need limit his computer time!

[momoney77]

I agree with ucsd_ucla_dad regarding staying up all night. My kids could not function the next day if they stayed up all night. If it were me, I'd be setting my alarm every hour on the hour past midnight to see exactly what he was doing during the early morning hours. Especially with the issues you are having with him. Bottom line...his health and well-being are the most important things right now and you need to get to the bottom of what is bothering him. He may have slowly begun to start putting in an effort as you say, but you both still haven't talked about the issue at hand.

[applicantsmom]

You sound like such a loving parent. There is such good advice here. I think he is being bullied. This is how our son acted when he was and he never came to me although we are close. He said he was ashamed. Please go to your son and tell him that no matter what you love him and even if he cannot perform at school, you will love him unconditionally. I would investigate if he is having an inappropriate relationship online by monitoring him. He can be being bullied online! THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO IS SHOW HIM THAT YOU LOVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT AND THAT HE CAN COME TO YOU> He sounds depressed and this can lead to dangerous avenues. God bless you and your family.

[acme]

Concerned mom-- watching a child withdraw is not easy. Your son sounds to me like he feels as if he's being put under a lot of pressure. He ay see a lot of kids in his school doing what they want/defying parents/hanging out and want to emulate them. Yet he may be conflicted because in another sense he wants to achieve something later on. So, he is in a holding pattern.

Opening up to him, creating time together, listening to him-- he may need all of that, plus seeing a school social worker or psychologist or an outside therapist as well. He may think you won't understand him. But if you are willing to listen, he may open up.

I hate to say this, but also sometimes a parent has to be a bit of a snoop if they think their child is in some kind of trouble. Absolutely find a way to monitor what he does online! And good luck. Please keep us posted on your son's progress.

[katliamom]

timely, thank you so much for that link -- we just installed some time-limiting software on our computer to keep my 15 year old from overdoing it, as is his wont. This will save all of us a lot of arguing! Thanks again.

[bookworm]

Has his therapist suggested a consultation with a psychiatrist, to determine the severity of a depression and possible medication? I would certainly be concerned about a child refusing school; I'd look for signs of depression, e.g. weight loss, sleep habits changing, withdrawal from peers, loss of interest in activities, poor self esteem, signs of abuse, and so on.