daughter is blaming us

Murphles · 04-25-2008, 02:19 PM

So I need some advice counsel and wisdom. Darling D applied to three art schools and was accepted at all three. We visited and when she was accepted into her stretch school, we rejoiced. It appears to offer an educational opportunity head and shoulders above the others. She decided she wanted to go to School B, as far as we could tell because that is in the city where her boyfriend wants to go in a year when he graduates from HS. The programs are essentially identical in the first year-Foundation. So she agreed that she would go and we agreed that if stretch school was not a good match-she could transfer. Now it is the next week, and she is attacking us saying we manipulated her into the school she does not want to go to. This is a girl who is a homebody and calls me 8 times daily. Now she is virulently angry and I am in tears. School B is in a urban environment, which she has never pined for-being more outdoorsy, granola crunching and doggy/horsey.

We have never had a fight that has lasted more than a few hours. My girlfriend states that maybe it is about separating.

Any insight because I am baffled and hurt.

thumper1 · 04-25-2008, 02:21 PM

She wants to be where the boyfriend is going to be. Maybe she feels that you don't want her there because of that...and therefore pushed the stretch school.

'rentof2 · 04-25-2008, 02:45 PM

If I was in your situation, I guess I'd just make sure she understood that I was sincere in saying she can transfer after the first year if she is unhappy at the stretch school. In fact, I'd tell her I will help with the transfer application in anyway I can, and generally make sure she knows that I mean it.

I think it's hard for some kids to move on into unknown territory, and the fact that she's a homebody and is obviously very attached to you and to her boyfriend, would suggest that your girlfriend is right and this is a lot about separating.

I also have a homebody kid and I encouraged him to go to school far from home. Once your daughter actually goes and makes friends and settles in, the new school will feel like home too, probably, and she may be less likely to want to transfer when the time comes. ...But don't say that to her. Just support her in going for that first year and make sure she knows that if she's not happy you will support her transfer application.

As to how mad she is at you... other than being willing to let her vent and be compassionate I'm not sure what you can do. Well, other than trying to engineer switching her school choice. I don't know if that's even possible at this point, but given the circumstances you've described, I probably wouldn't make that choice anyway.

madbean · 04-25-2008, 02:57 PM

I would add that this prolonged anger (however painful to you, the thoughtful parent) is part of the separation process for D. Unconsciously, she needs to find fault with you in order to face moving away. Fun, huh?

If she is the homebody type, you may not have had much of the hanging on-pushing away mood swings that some teens experience. But it is good to remember that you have acted in the best interests of your talented D and your advice in this instance is sound. I agree that you can continue to reassure her that she may transfer to another school with your support and help for soph year, but her next year will be wonderful at college A. (And won't the boyfriend still back home next year?) Best of luck.

historymom · 04-25-2008, 03:02 PM

She may be getting some pressure from the bf too. Possible that she wants to go to the reachy school even though it is further from him. Perhaps when she told him, he was unhappy. That makes it easier to blame you than to tell him or maybe admit to herself that she wants to be at that school where he isn't.

This too shall pass. rentof2 is right re offering to facilitate her transfer. She will get over it.

kathiep · 04-25-2008, 03:12 PM

Something that struck me is that your daughter is actually doing the bf a favor. A year is long time, what would happen if he decided not to go into his current dream school or if is not accepted there? The chance that they will break up before fall of 2009 is also pretty good, and that's probably a fear in the back of your daughters mind too but not something she can rationally get mad about. I think it would be great if you can somehow get her to revisit the stretch school to remind her why she first applied.

esobay · 04-25-2008, 03:14 PM

I concur with the separation/motivation issues. As I keep reading (to keep my sanity) daughters manufacture reasons to argue with their parents so that both parties are happier to have them separate. Sometimes it happens earlier and you grow back to a different close-ness before they leave; sometimes they save it up all for the summer before college.

I read about it, expected it, but didn't know it would be quite *this* painful.

Also agree with other post that she can vent on you and might not dare to vent on bf.

Only advice to offer is possibility of getting Dad involved?

Only thing to offer is sympathy, you are not alone companionship, and a cyber hug {{}}

cadbury · 04-27-2008, 01:03 PM

One other possibility that is less than ideal: You can double deposit. But your daughter (NOT YOU) should pay for the deposit to the second school. This way she is being given an opportunity to act like an adult, think about what she really wants, and make it happen.

Given that other, more subtle factors may be at play here, as suggested by other posters, it's possible (maybe even likely?) that she will ultimately stay with the original school. But then she will have to own the decision and not blame you.

A.S.A.P. · 04-27-2008, 01:34 PM

It looks like I'm in the minority here, but I'd be inclined to let her go where she wants to go. Is there a reason school B is not a good choice? She did apply, and I assume that if she hadn't been accepted at the reach school, you all would be happy with school B. Am I missing something?

I don't think a double deposit is a good idea.

Chedva · 04-27-2008, 01:48 PM

I agree with ASAP - this is now time to say, "OK. Go where you want to go. Transfer later if you want (but you will absorb the work and the costs). It's your life."

Let her make the decision and take her lumps. These are not the kind of decisions that are irrevocable, and she needs to own the decision.

(I also agree - do not double deposit. It is both unethical and unwise.)

marnik · 04-27-2008, 01:51 PM

I "made" my daughter go to the high school of my choice. She hated me for one term, maybe two (a semester) at the most. She is graduating soon, and cannot even imagine having to go to the high school she wanted to go to originally. If you promise that she can transfer, you have to be willing to follow through. However, she might just fall in love with her reach school. I wish you the best. She will come back to you no matter where she ends up. I agree that the anger probably comes more from separation anxiety. I also read in another thread that this is what makes it easier for us parents to let them go, lol.

A.S.A.P. · 04-27-2008, 02:50 PM

I think there's a difference between high school and college. At 14, mom probably does know best. At 18, not so much.

Anger can come from separation anxiety, but it can also come from not feeling listened to or from not having her concerns and "needs" taken seriously. At 18, it's time to make some of these decisions and deal with the consequences, providing her decision is a positive one.
It sounds like she has good reasons for wanting to stay close by. I don't dismiss the boyfriend angle as much as many parents, seeing as I married my high school crush (best decision ever) and changed colleges to be with him. My college soph son also is still with the lovely gal he dated in high school. It may not last, but I'm in no position to dismiss their feelings just because they are young.

historymom · 04-27-2008, 04:00 PM

I don't think the OP told here D which school to go to. From what I gather in her post, the decision was made by the D w/ parental input to attend the superior program but now a week later the D is having second thoughts and blaming her mom for forcing her to go to the school in a city away from her bf.

I am of the opinion that maintaining a hs romance is not a valid reason to choose a college. The OP is being fair in offering to allow her D to transfer. I suppose it's the latent feminist in me that rebels at the thought of a girl turning down a great opportunity because of her boyfriend. According to the mother's description of her D and of School "B" there really doesn't seem to be any other reason not to go to the superior school.

mafool · 04-27-2008, 04:08 PM

No way to prove this, but I suspect that she would be angry with you about something right now, regardless of your position on the college for next year. This is something she needs to do to be able to leave you.

Have you been able to have a calm conversation to find out why she wants school B (understanding the her emotions make this difficult)?
Can you ask her to make a list of pros and cons for the 2 schools? She may see that going to school A for 1 year has no downside.

boysx3 · 04-27-2008, 04:16 PM

Maybe suggest that bf apply to a school near where is best for HER ? let her see if he would be willing to do for her what she is willing to do for him.

Also suggest that a year from now, if they are still together, they can see what schools he gets in to and make a plan at that point. What if she gave up her top school, and he does not get in to the school that was the basis of her alternate plan? Or if he changes what he wants to do or where he wants to go? Or if they breaK up?