Support for the Kid that never gets picked

[mizzou-mom]

My d has the same issues. She is tops in her class, grades, friendly, dependable, etc. Her dilemma is that she really is not gregarious, outspoken, over the top friendly and doesn't really "hold her own" or "sell herself" when it comes to interviews for jobs, RAs, tour guides, etc. She does still try, but is never chosen for these types of positions. She realizes that it is her drawback and that these positions are usually chosen on such traits. While she would make a great RA, tour guide, rep, etc. in the long run, she just doesn't have the ability to "sell" herself in the five minutes she has as well as other kids. It is unfortunate for potential employers because she does an outstanding job for those that do select her! They are missing out on a great kid! Good luck to your daughter!

[Northstarmom]

I notice that some are posting that their kids got "only one" award or got awards from teachers and not from peers.

My suggestion is to count your blessings. There are plenty of students -- wonderful, hardworking students -- who go through high school without getting any awards or other recognition. Some don't even get college acceptances or career advice because their potential was overlooked by their teachers, GCs and families. Those are the ones whom I truly would consider the students who never get picked.

For the record, younger S never got any school awards. Older S got one or two in middle school. I never got any school awards. None of us got any senior superlatives. I wasn't crushed by not getting those things, and never saw any evidence that my kids felt badly about not getting them. It's important to realize that such awards always are judgment calls, and to not base one's self esteem on whether or not one gets such things.

I would, though, be more concerned about a student who appears deserving who keeps missing out on things like RA possibly because of an inability to sell themselves. Being able to sell oneself is an ability that can be honed. If it isn't, one will miss out on all sorts of opportunities in life. Role plays and things like Toastmasters can help such a person learn how to sell themselves, something that one can do effectively even if one is a low key person. Doing things such as giving more than one word answers, and obviously showing enthusiasm about things that one cares about -- all can help one sell oneself. The more interviews one goes on, too, the more comfortable one will be, and the better one will do.

[TheGFG]

I recall another thread in which posters discussed how those who were voted "Most Likely to Succeed" in high school turned out. Definitely not an indicator of anything for my hs class!

[snowball]

My daughter was going through a rough patch in middle school when a kind and wise (very young) counselor told me something I remember to this day. He told me my daughter was unique and smart, too unique for these other middle schoolers to recognize. He said she was old for her age and it might not be until college that her peers realize what a gift she is!

She blossomed (or the other kids did) during junior year. Yeah, she was still overlooked sometimes by teachers and peers, but for the most part, people started to get her. She is unique, and if you like that in a person then you will love her; if you want a go with the flow person with no ideas, views, or opinions of her own, then don't hang out with my daughter!!

[jude_36]

I also agree with NorthStarMom that if your daughter is missing out on some kind of communication skills, she doesn't interview well, she isn't good at bragging about her accomplishments, etc, that is something she needs to work on. ESPECIALLY for a job like a tour guide or an RA, if she can't sell herself to the people who choose the position, she's unlikely to be able to sell herself to the people she's leading.

It would be helpful to get some honest feedback as to why she wasn't chosen, so that she could work on those skills. Unfortunately, she may have a hard time getting that kind of feedback.

I recently applied for a job where I got a phone interview, that I thought went pretty well, but then never got a call-back or an interview. I recently saw the job posted again, so I sent another letter and my resume and said that if I wasn't being considered for the position, I'd be interested in taking a few minutes of their time for an assessment as to what skills I lacked. A few months later they did call me, I had a sit-down with the hiring manager, and she TOLD me what skill sets I was lacking, and suggested a couple of strategies to gain those skills. While it wasn't pleasant to hear, it WAS helpful.

[danceangel]

she didn't get it...

[cmbmom]

I am so sorry, danceangel. At least she keeps trying and I give her major kudos for that.

[musicamusica]

Danceangel----there was a great article in the Wall Street Journal yesterday
on self efficacy and failure. Walt Disney was turned down by art directors as not "being creative enough", Michael Jordan cut from his sophmore hs backetball team, Dr Seuss being turned down by 29 childrens book publishers,
(the list goes on and on). I REALLY admire students like your daughter. Its about the path, the struggle, the effort, the doing. Her resilience and stregnth are her rewards. Later on these things are infinately more valuable than some long forgotten high school recognition award trophy.

[sunnyflorida]

Damn. I am so sorry. She has to keep putting herself out there.

If it doesn't work out, I think momkaes suggestion might be good - your D could ask the decision-makers what they saw and how she could improve. I admit, it takes a lot of guts to do this, but your daughter keeps trying and doesn't give up, after so many let-downs, so apparently she has guts! Good for her! As they say, it doesn't matter how many times you fail, it's how many times you get back up.

This is good advice. See if she can get feedback. And keep applying. And crossposted with the above post^^:great advice!

[Treetopleaf]

^ That was a great and inspirational article.

It goes against the spirit of this thread to say this, but I agree with a few other posters who have pointed out that the 'deciders' of these things can be in error. I sat in on numerous interviews and was frankly appalled at the way some hiring decisions were made. They let quite a few 'good ones' go and hired some real duds for stupid reasons. We should not blame others for our failings, of course, but it's just possible that your daughter was the best person for the RA job but wasn't perceived as such by less than perfect people.

Wish her well in the future, and congratulate her resilience!

[NorthMinnesota]

I'm so sorry for the disappointment. Hugs to both of you.

[Youdon'tsay]

I'm sorry, danceangel.

[Northstarmom]

"It would be helpful to get some honest feedback as to why she wasn't chosen, so that she could work on those skills. Unfortunately, she may have a hard time getting that kind of feedback."

I think that this is a good idea. I also think that since she applied for an RA job at a college, she is likely to be able to get honest feedback about what she can do to improve.

It also is important to realize that RAs need to be assertive enough to be able to get the students whom they supervise to become involved in fun activities together. The RA also has to be assertive enough to be able to address problems, including some very difficult problems such as students who are breaking the rules.

It is a very difficult job that requires having the the kind of skills that one typically would need in order to sell oneself in an interview. Being RA is doing far more than being a person who can listen well to others' problems and give good advice.

Frankly, I would not want to deal with the problems RAs face -- and I've got a doctorate in psychology and have worked at a college counseling center.

Should your D be shy and passive, from what I've seen, she probably would not have been a good RA. I had a very sweet, smart, but timid student who was chosen as an RA, and she wasn't able to last the semester in that job because she found it so difficult having to cope with the various problems that are dumped on the RA's doorstep.

[esobay]

Sorry sorry sorry.
Hope it is you that feels worse (sometimes I anguished over slights and D let me know later it wasn't a big deal). I just hate for you and your D that it happens again and again.

While I agree with posters to find out 'why' I recommend doing it a little later. I would not jump in and tell D right now that she should find out what is wrong with her. Maybe ask her in a few ... weeks (or so) if there is value in probing what she could learn from who they picked rather than making any assumptions on how the decisions are made. That can help her.
Again, hugs.

[Northstarmom]

I actually think there's value in the D asking now about how she can improve. If she waits, there's a good chance that the people who made the decision may have forgotten what she did in the interview. Given the fact that the end of the semester is coming, they also may have moved on to other colleges since spring semester's end typically is a time of turnover for college staff.