Support for the Kid that never gets picked

[danceangel]

Tomorrow my DD will find out if she was selected to be an RA. I fear that this will be a repeat of every single time she's tried for something in the past. She NEVER gets picked. I mean NEVER. She'll get through the process for various things but in the end, the other guy gets chosen.

Here is a typical example. In highschool they started a peer support program. She was one of the kids asked to apply. She was excited and spent quite a bit of time on the application. I read her application and thought it was great (and I'm really a critical person - not one to think that everything my kid does is perfect). She didn't even get to the interview process. Once it was over she went to the GC in charge and asked why she didn't get picked. The GC told her she had a great application but she just "fell through the cracks". For the life of me, I can't figure out why this happens to her again and again. I've tried to look at her critically (as much as a mum can) and I can't figure it out. She's not a CC superstar but not unattractive, she's fairly articulate, kind, comfortable speaking with adults and other kids and has a strong moral compass.

She got a letter in the mail yesterday saying that the had a very difficult time deciding the RAs with so many superior candidates and that they could come to the housing office tomorrow afternoon and pick up a letter telling them whether or not they were selected. She wants this so much and I just have a sinking feeling that this will be like every other time. She cries, I hold her. She's several hundred miles away and that won't be possible. What can I do???

[SJTH]

Oh, I hope so badly that this is her time to change the tide!

[cptofthehouse]

I hope she get it. I was someone who never got picked in high school too.

[sax]

Congrats to your daughter for putting herself out there once again. Says much about her character and how you have raised her.

Our take on these things is that it wasn't meant to be. The whole one door shuts allowing another one to open idea. Do not for one minute think something is lacking in your daughter or allow her to think that.

Share in her disappointment if she is not chosen but do not dwell on it. She will get over it like she has in the past and move on to her next challenge.

Resilience: A terrific adult trait (no dictionary )

[woody]

Fingers crossed here! Please let us know!

[Youdon'tsay]

Oh, good luck to her! Please let us know.

[Anon_Person_1]

Agreed. I'm a hs student living it out. I'm never the one picked in school to talk, participate in school assemblies, even though I would love to be asked!

Anyway, I really hope your daughter gets picked to be an RA.

[jmmom]

sax makes a great point. Despite how this may have happened to her before, your D is still going after what she wants.

Says a ton about her (and probably about you, too).

Sometimes these things hurt the moms more than the kid.

So "support for the mom" is in order, too. And we will be here.

[coloradocutie]

Well I wish the best of luck to her! Keep us updated!

[bmom]

i hurt twice as much when my kid is hurt so I know how you feel danceangel.

i agree with sax also -- she is a better person for not being discouraged and keep trying.

i'm hoping this is her time!

[cgarrett101@aol.]

been there. I hope she gets it! Can we start an email campaign for her?

[momkaes]

My advice is to be proactive. This happened to my daughter this year also and I wanted to rip someones face off. Not really, but I think shes so special why don't they. lol As I was thinking about it, I thought she just didn't know how to sell herself. In the middle of my thought process she called to tell me she could meet with whoever desides and get a critique. How brave is she? They said more than once that she had one of the best applications, but didn't stand out in the interview. Our solution is for her to go to career sevices for help interviewing. We actually feel grateful to find out now instead of when she tries for an internship or goes job hunting. So thats the bright side for us. Maybe you could present it to her that its better to know now rather than later, and that there may be a solution. Good luck. I know how you feel and its not like they didn't get invited to the party and an ice cream cone made it all better.

[teriwtt]

Interesting topic after an enlightening IM conversation I had with D2 last night, who's a freshman in college.

My daughter excelled at pretty much anything she gave half a shot at in high school - grades and ECs. However, this created a lot of resentment and jealousy amongst kids in her school. I remember when she got a 35 on the ACT, I wanted to keep it on the low because I knew it would add fuel to the fire. But word got out, and several times, I had kids come up to me and ask me (I was at school often for volunteer work) if it was true she got a 35? When it came to teacher-chosen awards, she got them; when it came to peer-chosen awards, she only got one in high school.

So last night she IMed me to let me know she'd been elected treasurer for her a cappella group at college; this is a week after she'd been sort of unexpectedly elected to the executive board of the musical theatre association also. When she related this, I decided to tell her I wasn't too surprised with it. She asked me why and I told her I suspected when she got to college and became surrounded by people who were more equally on par with her, they wouldn't hold things against her, and she'd be much more easily accepted and respected. I actually told her it was my highest dream for her in college to have these kinds of experiences where she wasn't considered a threat to others, and could be appreciated for who she is.

She very poignantly asked, "Is this what life for normal kids in high school was like?" I said, "Yep." She said, "Cool."

As her mom, it sure felt like a long time coming - that she be appreciated for who she is without a lot of prejudging. It has been very hard to wait for this moment, but now that it's come, it's so worth the validation they receive.

My hope for your daughter is that she would continue to seek out involvement in things that she's interested in. She will find her niche.

[snowball]

I have a daughter that also seems to try for everything and gets almost nothing. Recently she applied for for an internship and was told with the first interview that they had a very large application pool. She knew it was a long shot but felt very good about the interview. The next week she was giving a second interview and had a good feeling about this one. Two weeks later she was called for a third interview; the vibes weren't as good, but she was sick during the interview, so that could just be her being critical! BTW, all these were phone interviews as she is studying abroad.

Of course when the email arrived, she did not get the position. The email raved about her, telling her she was one of the top applicants and many other terrific comments. So what happened? Maybe she was the number 3 pick as they were only hiring two. My daughter was upset as this was her favorite internships that she applied for. She felt they led her along with 3 interviews, but I explained how the process worked. I think this was a great learning experience for her and I think she learned a lot with each interview.

The good news is, she is over her disappointment and had two other offers for the summer; one that might really be a great opportunity.

[newmassdad]

Feel your pain. HS college apps had a lot of disappointments. End of first year in college, My D got a high lottery number, so she had to move out of the dorm she desperately wanted to stay in; she applied for a summer job with CTY, a group she was part of and loved. No go; But she kept her confidence up, and things started going right her soph year, with a big award that year, and an even bigger one her senior year, last fall.

Things can turn around.