very sad mom - Page 3

citrusbelt · 05-03-2008, 01:07 AM

But, if some of the schools were too big and some too small it sounds like he didn't give his schools enough thought in the first place. He needs to own some of this. I would just let him mourn for a few days and say something like, "I am sorry you are feeling sad about this." Don't take any blame on yourself as it sounds like you really didn't do anything wrong except maybe not come together as parents with the same line. It sounds more like he chose the wrong schools then you led him on.

This is a particularly hard time for seniors. Just give him a hug and move on. Tell him to apply for a transfer in the fall. Most kids take solice in that and then end up very happy where they are at and don't bother. But, he may want to. You could support those app. fees.

soozievt · 05-03-2008, 08:29 AM

I agree with almost all of what Northstarmom wrote now that I hear you told your son a money limit if he applied to Pepperdine and would need merit aid (do I have that correct?) It does sound like things were not that clear but it was said to him, right?

But there is still one part that I don't agree with personally but again, these are personal decisions and not about "right and wrong." Northstarmom wrote:

Quote:

your H had told your S that he'd need scholarship money to be able to attend an expensive school.

But what doesn't sit right with me in this situation is that he was ALSO told he could attend the school with the good reputation in the midwest which is ALSO expensive without scholarship money and where he is currently wait listed. So, that would be confusing to a kid that on the one hand you can spend more than you told him but only if it is a certain school. Again, that is your perogative but for me, I would have paid the same for Pepperdine as for the school in the Midwest because my kid liked that school and I was willing to pay that amount that I actually could pay had he gone to a school I personally liked better.

I also agree with others that your son got into some very nice schools but doesn't seem to want to attend any of them and so his list needed more thought to find schools he truly would like to attend.

I still think that your willingness to pay full freight for D and not for S might not feel right for S.

I also agree with Northstarmom that your son may feel some mixed messages as you seem willing to send son to Pepperdine and Dad doesn't and so things were not so clear to him.

I agree with NSM that if your son REALLY wants to attend Pepperdine, it may be possible on Monday for him to talk to them and also your son can discuss how he might make up the difference in funds in order to attend that school.

soozievt · 05-03-2008, 08:35 AM

Also, in regard to post #31, it sounds like you didn't fully approve or disapprove of his college list and let him apply where he wanted but on the other hand, you guys have strong views as to which schools you are willing to pay for and which you aren't (not just a budget limit itself). And in such a scenario, then it was very important to approve the list at the get go. For me, I would approve any schools my kids wanted to apply to but I am not saying that is right for someone else. The fact that you DO seem to have restrictions as to which schools you are willing to fund and which you aren't (and not merely a budget limit), then approving the list at the time he applied without giving a credit card carte blanche would have been fair. It seems that these limits are now being more directly told to him in spring.

Momwaitingfornew · 05-03-2008, 09:00 AM

Sadmom, I feel for you and your son, but Northstarmom is right: if your son knew what your budget was, he should not be surprised. Of course, that won't keep him from being deeply disappointed. You'll have to deal with that aspect with all the love and understanding you can muster. I suspect that a quiet one-to-one talk may be in order here, just to let him know that you sympathize, but that this is life.

I take it that the large midwest U would not exceed $120K, full freight? If it would, then you have to face the hypocrisy of that decision, and this is something that you won't be able to hide from your son. You'll have to face the consequences of your son's knowledge and how it plays out emotionally.

Also important for you and your family: What's done is done. I always tell my daughter that she can't change the past, only the future. If your son is not happy where he lands, he can always transfer. The better his grades are, the better his chances elsewhere -- as long as those chances don't exceed $120 K.

Northstarmom · 05-03-2008, 09:09 AM

"But what doesn't sit right with me in this situation is that he was ALSO told he could attend the school with the good reputation in the midwest which is ALSO expensive without scholarship money and where he is currently wait listed. So, that would be confusing to a kid that on the one hand you can spend more than you told him but only if it is a certain school. "

I agree with soozievt.

At the same time, if he knew this from the time he applied, he did have plenty of time to consider what he could do to fund an expensive school that you weren't willing to pay for. The fact that he doesn't seem to be willing to do this indicates to me that he isn't all that committed to his dream school.

I was committed to my dream school, so much that I worked 60 hours a week during the summer after high school, worked during high school, during summers and the school year in college, and also took out loans to augment what my mom provided. I never regretted doing any of these things. I could have gone to a 2nd tier local college for free, but didn't want to do that, and did everything within my power to make my dreams possible.

The bottom line is that the money is yours, and it's your decision what to do with it. By agreeing to fund $120 k in college education for your S, you already are doing a lot. You don't owe him paying full freight at his dream school. If he believes in his dreams, he owes himself whatever he can do to help fund that dream. If he's not willing to sweat for his dream, why should you?

janlake · 05-03-2008, 09:24 AM

"This is a particularly hard time for seniors. Just give him a hug and move on. Tell him to apply for a transfer in the fall. Most kids take solice in that and then end up very happy where they are at and don't bother." from citrusbelt.

OP - Listen to this advice. All the figuring and thinking of what you, H and S should or shouldn't have done is wasted energy. All the Best to you...

keepmesane · 05-03-2008, 09:42 AM

Unless you have another kid in the college pipeline, it really is too late for a lot of what went wrong and whose to blame. From your description, you and your husband have been at odds in your child rearing for some time now with you usually winning and son knows this. So, couples counseling to prevent this in the futute is a great idea. But for now, what can be done?

1. You, not only your son, has to accept what has happened. Right now, with the current housing slide (no equity to borrow against) and layoffs, parents all across the country are going through this same thing. Encouraged kid to apply for G8U in September and can no longer afford it in April. Of course it is disappointing and hurts a lot when we can't give our kids what we think they deserve. It makes the parent feel like a failure. But, you offered your son 30K a year for college. This isn't pocket change. And do give him a few days to mourn and be sad.

2. Based on above, quit fighting with you husband over this. Now, both he and your son are on the defensive. Sit down with your husband BEFORE you talk with son and decide what you are willing to do to help son. If you promise to help with Grad school, will your husband be on board in 4 years? If you promise other things, can your husband agree to this? You don't want a repeat of this.

3. Acknowledge your son's feelings but don't give him the impression that either you or his father is to blame for all his woes. He has a right to be sad and unhappy but again, remember, what you offered to do for him isn't chump change. Many kids on this forum wish their parents could do half this. You need to approach this from I'm so sorry you are hurting rather than I am so sorry we screwed you over.

4. What has your son offered to do to help come up with the extra money for this or the Midwest school if he gets off waitlist? Has he lined up a summer job, applied for outside scholarships, considered being an RA after freshman year, willing to take out loans in his own name? Has he offered to do anything on his own or just whined about what you can't do?

What has he done to get off the waitlist at Midwest school? Did he contact Pepperdine finanacial aid or anything trying to close the gap before he declined? Did he look at loans in his own name? Anything to indicate he really really wanted this besides whining? And if he does get off the waitlist (which won't happened if he hasn't contact the school or anything), make him responsible for some of the cost, either through loans, job, etc. You can always gift him the amount of the loan upon graduation.

5. In light of the effort he made in High School and his desire for more stimulation than he feels PLU offers, can you and your husband agree to support anything extra for him over the next four years considering the scholarship he got? Offer to support him wherever he wants to go for a summer internship, even if it is unpaid. Offer him not only a semester overseas but a summer overseas or in another university's domestic summer program whether it is in his major or not. Show him that you are willling to spend some of the money you are saving to provide the "extras" that he feel he is missing by not attending Pepperdine.

6. Before you offer anything, talk with your husband and agree what you both feel is reasonable. Your husband needs to be able to say, we love you and are proud of you and we are willing to do XYZ for you too. If he can't, you set up another "we" (you and son) against "him" scenario and make your husband the bad guy in your son's eyes. This can't continue to be a game of winners and losers or your husband will lose his son forever and that will put you in a very bad place over your lifetime.

7. Realize that it is quite possible that over the summer, things will get worse between you and your son. There are long threads on cc about kids and parents relationships drastically deteriorating and kids withdrawal from all family members the summer before college. Look these threads up so you are prepared. Doesn't happen to everyone but to enough that it is usually a very long topic every summer here on cc. It is part of the process of seperation for your son and it isn't your fault. While painful and very disruptive, it just is what happens.

8. Next summer when your son comes home and excitedly talks about his friends, his classes, his organizations, his professors, etc, resist the urge to say I told you so and make sure Dad doesn't do this either. Just smile and be happy for him. And if that doesnt' happen, then let him look at transferring but this time, help him come up with schools that will be acceptable to both your budget (remember you will have saved a ton this year) and to him. After a semester in college, he may have a better idea of what he wants. Lots of people here on cc would be willing to help you with that.

Blame time is over. What's done is done. I am sure many of the people here on cc can give you much better ideas than I can on what to do to move forward and what you can now offer your son over the next four years to enhance your son's experience. Good Luck to you and your husband and remember, your son will eventually get over all of this and thrive. Make sure you and your husband do too.

soozievt · 05-03-2008, 09:42 AM

Agree with NSM.....if your son wants Pepperdine so much and you will only pay so much, he can come up with a way to fund the difference but would have to act quickly with Pepperdine to see if he can still attend.

I still think there were some mixed messages for him that you were willing to fully fund the university in the midwest with the reputation.

Northstarmom · 05-03-2008, 09:46 AM

"5. In light of the effort he made in High School and his desire for more stimulation than he feels PLU offers, can you and your husband agree to support anything extra for him over the next four years considering the scholarship he got? Offer to support him wherever he wants to go for a summer internship, even if it is unpaid. Offer him not only a semester overseas but a summer overseas or in another university's domestic summer program whether it is in his major or not. Show him that you are willling to spend some of the money you are saving to provide the "extras" that he feel he is missing by not attending Pepperdine."

I agree with virtually everything you posted, but do have concerns about the above.

If S feels that the school won't offer him the stimulation he needs, HE, not the parents, needs to figure out what he can do to get that stimulation. If he wants international travel, internships, etc., HE has the power to earn money, scholarships, etc. to get those opportunities.

His parents already are doing a lot by offering to pay $120 k toward his college education. It's his life. He needs to figure out and fund things he can do to enhance it.

Momwaitingfornew · 05-03-2008, 09:49 AM

Wow, Keepmesane, that post took a lot of thought and good sense.

keepmesane · 05-03-2008, 09:59 AM

NSM, as I understand it, with the lower costs and the scholarship their son has received, his 4 years at PLU will cost far less ($68,000 I think was mentioned) than the $120,000 they are willing to pay. Also, far less than his sister's education at the same school. That is why I suggested they offer to fund additional enhancement's. He earned a nice scholarship so he is paying some of his way at PLU through that. To me, it is therefore reasonable for the parent's to offer to pick up some of the costs of whatever HE feels will enhance his time at PLU. If I read incorrectly and PLU will costs the $120,000 they offered, then of course he need to pay this on his own.

Northstarmom · 05-03-2008, 10:07 AM

Oh, I understand your point now, and I agree, keepmesane. What you suggest seems very fair.

citrusbelt · 05-03-2008, 10:20 AM

I think that is a great suggestion Keepmesane. There are wonderful summer things and study abroads and all kinds of non paid internships he could take advantage of that would show him that his hard work was worth the effort.
As far as his choice of school, it is a nice school. He needs to own his choices of where he sent his applications. The monetary thing is the issue here. I do not think everything needs to be exactly even between siblings. Everyone should be treated as an individual, but in this case his sister is clearly being shown favoritism if you don't make it clear that the scholarship money is HIS not yours. Maybe he'd like a car. LOL

UCLA77 · 05-03-2008, 10:26 AM

I feel for you sadmom. Your son, though, has some incredible choices. Maybe you could do some sort of hybrid agreement if he's so stuck on Pepperdine -- meaning suggest paying for the 1st year, then if he likes it, he'll need to figure out how to come up with the shortfall (maybe his grades will be so good, they'll give him a scholarship to continue?) in subsequent years.

We had similar issues last year, but took a stand right off the top. My husband refused to let son apply to Pepperdine because of their religious affiliation; and as for USC, we were very upfront and told him he could apply there, but we wouldn't be able to pay for it.

I don't think Pepperdine is all that anyway -- doesn't have the best reputation, at least not down here in So. Cal., but maybe up north people have a different opinion about it. Very nice campus, but gets hit with fires periodically. Wash. State, on the other hand, has wonderful colleges like the ones you mentioned.

sadmom · 05-03-2008, 02:59 PM

We will save the scholarship money for him for grad school that he is saving. Also, we can afford to do such things as study away, etc that we would not at pepperdine. He will get 120K in the end and maybe a little more.

We sure did screw up with the mixed messages. I am total agreement about that.