Am I Trying to Motivate or Sabotage?

[kelsmom]

My math battles are legendary in our district!

[lilmom]

I have found that enlisting the help of others has been really helpful. His counselor has done well advising him as have some of his teachers. He also has some friends who are good influences. So, he receives all the info he needs but most of the time he won't initiate unless he's asked to do so.
I finally realized that my husband and I had been focusing on his intelligence/talent and not his effort. A previous poster mentioned that being intelligent may have kept him from learning the value of hard work. I heartily agree. Our D is 2 years younger and works twice as hard in school and is very successful. Our S just seems to require more step by step guidance than our D. I wish I had figured that out sooner.

[momreads]

Lilmom,

Because your son is bright, he probably suffers from the same thing that my son has. Fear of failure. He might want to join the newspaper, but he won't because he worries that while he has the talent, he may worry that he won't be as good as the other students. My son, who does not appear to be shy but is, can be like this. Sometimes, I have had to put him in uncomfortable positions, and yes, we had huge fights, but in the end, he is glad that I put him there.

One particular club allowed him to build a tight friendship with a young lady who is a couple of years old and offers him great insight to many things. My son originally was not going to take a job locally at a fast food place, but I told him he needed insurance money -- I wasn't going to pick up the entire tab. At least he was not thrilled with working. Now, he enjoys the money -- paid for prom himself and even has taken an interest in investing that money in CDs (yes, the economy is not great but at least he saves.)

Encourage your son to "just try it" when it comes to the newspaper. If school has not ended where you are, have him observe a few classes. Maybe the teacher will ask his opinion on some things -- kids love that when they can be the boss. My son was going to do very little in HS -- now, it's as if he runs the place. He went being no one to sharing the student council presidency in one year. He will be president of another club next year.

Would I let my son back out if he does not like something? Of course. But we still need to encourage our kids to try new things. Some work. Some don't. But we never know until they try.

[DreamMom]

Conversation with S last night.

Me: I’ve been reading how important it is to focus on your efforts rather than intelligence. See, that’s exactly why I get frustrated sometimes when I think you are not putting any effort in your school work.

S: why do you want to focus on me doing busy work?

Me:

[tokenadult]

Hi, DreamMom,

Your son asks a good follow-up question. It is still important to see if the school curriculum delivers homework that builds skill and knowledge, or just homework that consumes time and allows the teacher to check off items on a meaningless checklist.

[Deja]

Lastly, and this turned out to be a colossal waste of money, I hired a private college consultant to guide him through the process

Bessie, could you elaborate on this? I am currently considering hiring a college counselor to help with ds's college application process.

If anyone else has any experience with college counselors (private), please share. Thanks!

[lilmom]

Update: My S is now on the newspaper staff for next fall. He has the choice to move on to something else if he doesn't care for it but I'm glad that he's going to try it. There's nothing more thrilling than the power of the pen (or keyboard in today's world.) You can lead a horse to water and sometimes you need to make him take a sip..and I keep reminding myself that with my DS, baby steps...Thanks for the wonderful insights, I'm still taking it all in...

[cptofthehouse]

It's tough with some of these kids who are just so unaware. YOu don't want to be too pushy, but some of it is part of the job description. It's always a balancing act. My freshman son put in an app for a position at the school for next year and got it. Part of building his resume, he told me. Will he enjoy the work? I think he will. If I had not bugged him about getting some stuff to fill in those blanks of his college app, would he have bothered? I don't know. But I know a number of good kids who just were not aware enough to resume build and were actually told when applying to college, that they were deficient. Yes they were. BUt so would have a number more, had their parents not intervened. So, we do make them aware.