Forced volunteerism

[mini]

"My kids don't volunteer to get the recognition, but I want them to get the recognition if they earn it."

In my family, we have a problem with "recognition" (we are Quakers) for something that should be as natural as breathing.

Yesterday, my d. had to go to collect the annual "service before self" award from the Rotary Club. They had a nice luncheon and a $2k scholarship. She hadn't applied for it, and found out about it on Friday. She didn't want to go (she thought she had more important things to do.) We had to explain to her that it was important to attend, not so much for herself, but because it made the Rotary Club members feel good (which is important, in its own way). Anyway, she went, made a little speech, and went back to making cheesecakes for her friends.

[Northstarmom]

"My kids don't volunteer to get the recognition, but I want them to get the recognition if they earn it"

I don't understand your post. What kind of earned recognition are you referring to? Hours for school-mandated community service or some kind of public award that goes to students whose service is considered particularly exemplary? If it's students' getting school credit for school-mandated hours they've earned, I agree with your concern about the recognition.

S earned a major local public award for his community service, and also got a scholarship that was based in part on his service, but he didn't serve in order to get recognition. He did CS because he loves doing CS, and our family believes it's important to give back. The best reward that anyone gets from CS is the warm feeling of having made a difference.

[mathmom]

My high school devoted Wednesdays to volunteer service. It was just expected. They recognized that kids learn more from the experience than they give. I've found the same in my adult life. It was public speaking at the PTA that gave me the experience to be comfortable at the zoning board.

[Hunt]

"I don't understand your post. What kind of earned recognition are you referring to?"

As previously mentioned, in Maryland (where we also live), students are required to do 75 hours of community service to graduate. Students who do substantially more than that are recognized at graduation. I can see mini's point, but I still like seeing people (especially my kids) get public recognition for their achievements, especially if they didn't do it to get the recognition. I remember that when I was in high school, several years I received an award for Perfect Attendance. All I did to earn the award was to not get sick and to not skip school. I certainly didn't alter my behavior in any way to try to get the award. And yet, I was proud to get it.

[NewHope33]

OP - Speaking as a former (very sullen) 13-year-old boy, I think you did just fine. I'd call it leadership by example.

In our family we try to provide service anonymously. All of our kids grasped the concept immediately, so subsequent school and church requirements for (public) community service were no issue at all. As others have said, it's like good hygiene --- you just do it.

[Calreader]

Can I ask the original poster a slightly off-topic question - what kind of commitment did you find for your son that is every day for a few weeks? I've been trying to help my son find some volunteer activities for this summer, and what I'm mostly finding are activities that take place one or two days per month. This is fine, but summer is when my son has a lot of time so it would be great to find more concentrated activities. Habitat for Humanity is concentrated, but you have to be 16 to work without a parent. The two areas he's interested in are environmental action (such as trail-building, creek clean-up) and shelter/food for people in need.

[Youdon'tsay]

NewHope, if only I could get the good hygiene thing through to them!

kathiep, my older son is a Scout and so has had a lot of opportunities to volunteer and, really, just gets it more than the younger one. The 13yo never did Scouts, and I'm not sure what the NJHS or Student Council at his school are doing in the community service arena. Nothing, I think.

Truthfully, he doesn't mind it at all from a work standpoint, He was just bemoaning that because he has to be there so early (7:30) that it'll cut into his social life, like sleepovers. And, he would like to have a greater social "payoff," to do the work with friends. I can understand that it would be more fun with a friend, but this is about community service; it's not a playdate.

Anyway, next year I'll make sure he drives the boat on this -- but I'm sure I'll still have to coax him into the car.

Calreader, I'll pm you.

[mathmom]

Calreader, I went to the senior center and asked them if they could keep my son busy. They put him in the computer lab where he could troubleshoot for seniors. It was stuff nearly any high schooler can do - teach them to doubleclick, get them out of trouble if they clinked on a wrong link, teach them to use e-mail. They also found various other things for him to do - like write a program to track the bus scheduling that delivers seniors to the center. There are a lot of activities there - movies, games, art projects, music.

[Calreader]

Mathmom, interesting idea. Thanks very much!

[08mom]

I could see having your son come along with the family to a volunteer gig for an afternoon. I could see your son being a part of an organization he enjoys that has community service as part of it's overall agenda (but not the only thing it is about). I could see your son doing ANY volunteer activity that he was interested in. I think it's ridiculous that you sent your son on a 3 wk volunteer mission, because you were concerned he wasn't being productive enough this summer. There are SO many other opportunities out there for 13 yr olds. If I were your son, I might not forgive you for this nonsense for a very long time.

[HarrietMWelsch]

13-year-olds do tend to think that way sometimes, don't they?

Fortunately most parents have a broader view, a far vaster perspective, and I think better manners than to refer to another poster's choice as "ridiculous" and "nonsense."

Maybe it's the heat? I know it's fraying tempers around my house.

Disagreeing respectfully and offering some suggestions, or some avenues that worked for you, would be a more helpful route.

[calmom]

My son attended a high school that required 100 hours of community service, but also gave special recognition at graduation to students who had a significantly greater amount. My son at that age was the kind of very bright, nerdy, introverted kid who rarely participated in EC's and preferred to come straight home from school and read or play videogames.

He really enjoyed the volunteer work and it really opened up a new world for him. Now that he has graduated from college, he just paid off half of his student loans with his Americorps benefit; he also received a scholarship his senior year in college that was based largely on applicants' record of community service.

So ... when it comes to getting kids pointed in the right direction at a time when they are young and impressionable, I think it is fine for parents to push, nudge, or even insist that their kids participate. It's no different than "forcing" them to do a reasonable amount of chores around the house -- part of the way we guide them to make the right choices in adulthood.

[mythmom]

Helping a friend who's sad is volunteer service that can't be counted toward the mandate at our school.

Both my kids naturally give of themselves in all sorts of ways and want to continue to do so, but both filled the required sheet with true but fairly meaningless examples of their service because it was easier to get annotated that their true acts of giving.

I certainly didn't expect them to get any recognition.

Thinking of others is fundamental, and there are many ways to do it. If the OP found a way that fits her family's lifestyle, I see nothing wrong with requiring a 13 year old to be part of that.

My kids often spent a lot of time at things that seemed self-oriented, like practicing an instrument or reading up on Supreme Court cases, but these activities have ultimately given them more to share with the community.

I was a fairly solitary and on my own kind of kid. Summers were spent reading all of Tolstoy, Doestoevsky, Stendhal, Balzac, etc. Stuff I never got in English grad school. If I hadn't had this time, I would never have read this.

On the other hand, I'm sure I could have spared 3 weeks for do things for others.

For some kids it's a natural reflex; others need to be coaxed and trained, like the brushing the teeth metaphor already used.

I did require my kids to do away from home programs some summers because they were so attached to me I really thought they needed to get off by themselves.

They loved these programs and never questioned my somewhat autocratic interference; they accepted it as the culture of our family.

[Youdon'tsay]

Tonight at dinner, after a positive report of the day, I mentioned to 13yo that perhaps next summer he could find his own volunteer stint. He says, "No, I'd rather keep doing this. I know what I'm doing."

The only negative for him today was that the group his brother worked with bought Sonic for lunch and treated his brother, but 13yo's group decided to work through lunch, so no fast food for him!

08mom, guess I'm glad you're not my son seeing as how you're so unforgiving. Thankfully, my 13yo is more flexible.

[Northstarmom]

Thanks for the update. I'm glad, but not surprised at how things are working out. Volunteering is its own wonderful reward, and it's wonderful that you're enabling your S to learn that at an early age.