Forced volunteerism

Youdon'tsay · 06-10-2008, 10:25 AM

Yes, an oxymoron. But today I drove my 13yo to the first day of a three-week volunteer commitment, five hours a day. He wasn't too thrilled when I signed him up.

In retrospect, I should have let him find his own gig, but he probably wouldn't have done it. The other three members of our family spend a lot of time on community service, and I think it's time this 13yo steps up.

At 13, he's too young for a real job (he does make money in the fall and spring), and I didn't want him just sitting around all summer watching TV like I did growing up. He's also going to a wonderful three-week camp this summer, so plenty of fun will be had, and he's spent the week since school got out at three sleepovers, seeing two movies, etc. It's not like he has a hard life. A little giving back is good for him.

Is forced volunteerism bad? Of course, the hope is that he'll start to see how important it is to be a good citizen and be more willing to initiate these kinds of activities.

Hunt · 06-10-2008, 10:28 AM

I've thought about this often, but in the context of mandatory "student service learning" hours required by the local school system (and for my kids, service hours on top of that for IB). I have very mixed feelings. On the one hand, I think it's good to expose kids to the kinds of needs that exist in the community, and to instill in them the ideal that they have a responsibility to help. On the other hand, I can't help feeling that requiring this kind of service takes something important away from it, the choice to do it because it's the right thing to do. As for you and your son, I wouldn't say that's the same thing at all--I'd say that's family volunteerism, and as long as you model the same kind of behavior yourself, I see no problem with it.

paying3tuitions · 06-10-2008, 10:31 AM

I think you are brilliant to handle it this way for someone as young as age 13.
Since your whole family participates in community service, you're not just telling him what to do; you're living the example as well. Most anything you think is important but not constant fun is something you might have to impose upon a 13-year-old. By doing it, he'll discover the personal rewards. You imply a balance between the fun that he "gets" (camp) with the service he gives.

Perhaps others will disagree and say nothing should be imposed on any preteen, but I think some things you have to push a bit and not leave entirely up to them. Ideally, had there been a choice between two volunteer positions ("do you want peanut butter or jelly?") he could feel he was making some choice, but that's pretty hard to muster up. You did great, in my opinion.

mini · 06-10-2008, 10:33 AM

The only people in our society who are forced to do "community service" by government institutions are teenagers and prison inmates.

Don't think the lesson isn't lost on the former.

However, in our family, it is just assumed that community service is something we do, like having breakfast. It isn't a choice, or optional - it's just what we do.

TravelAddict · 06-10-2008, 10:47 AM

It seems that forced volunteerism is impossible by definition. However, you’ve done the right thing by enrolling your son and leading him by personal example. I think that your son would have a better chance to appreciate this experience and benefit from it if it was his own commitment, but he may be too young for it.

StickerShock · 06-10-2008, 10:52 AM

I don't believe in forced community service imposed by schools. How volunteer efforts fit into your family value system is a completly different scenario, though. It's no different than "forcing" your kids to be respectful, brush their teeth & shower, dress modestly, do homework, perform household chores, attend church -- whatever is important to you as a parent. Some of what we impose on our kids will stick. Some won't. But we have to make an attempt to instill our values.

chuy · 06-10-2008, 10:54 AM

He isn't volunteering, he's working for no pay. That's how this is from his perspective at least.

HighlandMom · 06-10-2008, 11:03 AM

I think the key is finding something he'll enjoy doing. My D and I usher at a local community theatre. We love it. We're always shocked to see other teens coming in, going through the motions and getting their form signed that they volunteered.
Find something that suits his interests and I'd wager his attitude will change.

HarrietMWelsch · 06-10-2008, 11:10 AM

Other posters have already stated this position pretty well; I'm mostly just chiming in with another vote for the it's-like-brushing-teeth policy. We have always expected some volunteering from our kids. The message we wanted them to get is that this is something we value highly, and it's one of several ways of addressing the "of those to whom much is given, much is expected" ethic.

We also enforce charitable giving, with a 1/3-1/3-1/3 allowance - up until they started earning their own spending money (and it's still in force with the little guy), they were given an amount, out of which they had to save a third and put aside a third for a donation to be chosen at Christmas time every year. The third third was up to them.

We're known around here as "the mean parents."

In short, Youdon'tsay, I don't think it's bad at all.

DougBetsy · 06-10-2008, 11:13 AM

In Maryland, a student must give 75 hours of community service in order graduate high school. I'm not a fan of this requirement, but it is what it is, so I just deal.

What I really resent is that students get recognition for earning hundreds - or even thousands - of hours of community service. To me, that student is motivated by recognition, not by altruism.

IMO, once the 75 hours requirement has been met, the schools should stop counting.

Heck, we have standardized tests with minimum score requirements for English 10, Alg, Gov't, and Bio before a kid can graduate. No one gets singled out for recognition when he/she scores high above the minimum on those tests. You pass, you meet the requirement, here's your diploma. It should be the same for volunteer hours.

And, for the record, my kids practice what I preach. They reached 75 hours in the early grades and now they no longer turn in records of their hours. Now they volunteer because they want to help people, not because they might get another certificate at awards night.

Hunt · 06-10-2008, 11:52 AM

My kids don't volunteer to get the recognition, but I want them to get the recognition if they earn it. I suppose there are some kids who do a lot of commuinity service because they think it will help them with college, but I think many of them really are engaged in service activities. I see nothing wrong with recognizing that. (And here in Maryland, the recognition typically comes too late for your college applications, anyway. I think you get a different-colored tassel at graduation.)

kathiep · 06-10-2008, 11:53 AM

I think if a child is involved in volunteering early they also think of it as a natural thing but there may be a gap of a few years where it feels sort of awkward or forced because they might not want to be doing something with their parents, their peers aren't doing it and they don't want to be working with just older/younger people. At least that's where we are right now. Our fifteen year old has not volunteered for anything since he stopped doing Boy Scouts a year ago, but I have hopes that he will join Key Club next fall and start volunteering again. I have my eyes open for things that I think he might be interested in that we could perhaps do together. He's great about working along side of me if it's something he likes.

Our older two "kids" kept volunteering in College without me knowing it. I kind of liked that because it meant that they were doing it for themselves and their college communities.

Northstarmom · 06-10-2008, 12:03 PM

"Is forced volunteerism bad? Of course, the hope is that he'll start to see how important it is to be a good citizen and be more willing to initiate these kinds of activities."

This question comes up often.
My answer remains the same. Forced volunteerism is only bad if you think that things like forced education, forced health habits like brushing your teeth or forced learning courtesy or learning to share are bad.

I don't know why parents fret over whether they should force kids to volunteer. Realizing that one has the ability to make the world a better place is one of the best things we can give our kids.

lderochi · 06-10-2008, 12:12 PM

The only problem I have is the semantic one. It's not forced volunteerism, it's forced community service. And while I have mixed feelings about school-mandated service, I have no qualms at all about your approach as a parent. As he gets older, though, you should let him make the decisions as to what service activity he wants to participate in.

Be warned, though, my son's volunteer activity took over (and is still taking over) his life, to the extent that he's probably going to transfer because his school can't satisfy his need to continue the activity! It's not a terrible problem to have, all things considered

MidwestMom2Kids_ · 06-10-2008, 12:15 PM

If he is miserable after the first week, I think making him do two more weeks of five hours a day is not a good idea.

But you know your son. I believe that you think he will tolerate it or perhaps even enjoy it once he starts the activity. And I think he will, especially if there are other kids his age there.

And we all know - if you ask how it's going you might get a series of complaints - you need to try to watch them in action a little bit. Sometimes kids complain about an activity but if you observe them doing it (or ask one of the counselors/advisors) you hear about how much they are contributing and how much they seem to be enjoying it.