What to do when you think your son is truly not ready for college?

[Shrinkrap]

I just got a letter about some sort of tuition refund insurance in the mail...looks like you need a diagnosis ( for Psych, using the DSM) or something to use it, but I think I would be a lot more laid back about tuition for a private with that option in hand.

PS; I agree that the word "depression" get's thrown around fairly loosley these days....

[calmom]

1. What would change at home if your son delayed college for year?
2. What is your arrangement with your son as far as college financing goes? Is it in writing?

[Treetopleaf]

frankly doesn't' seem interested in much

I'd have the kid seen by a psychiatrist just to be safe.

Where does he get the money for the pot?

Hang in there. He can always work a year; might be the best thing.

[Youdon'tsay]

What does he want to do next year? Is there anything that motivates him?

[yoed54]

I have some concerns about my own son's maturity for college but he is my second S to go and even though S1 had a tough freshman year (meaning we had a tough freshman year) he has really matured and I think it took working through the fears and challenges of freshman year to come around. I don't know very much about your son's history or addiction. I do know that this college admissions year (years) and the societal, peer, parental and internal pressures on these kids were (are) phenomenal. My own son has escaped to videogames - especially competitive online games - and I find he spends more time there when he is most nervous. Although he is working this summer, I have been less than thrilled with his OOMPH! He does not have much drive to do anything - he works nights and has spent a lot of time hanging around the house during the day. Have you read the book Letting Go? It talks about the fears kids have as they leave home for college - many kids withdraw and shut down, others become more challenging, fight with their parents more, etc. I don't want to minimize your concerns or any possible addiction/depression that might exist but I wonder if his behavior isn't reflecting his fears and the intensity of all the pressure he is experiencing, or has experienced, more than an innate laziness.
You have to have some requirements of him but maybe it would be helpful to talk with him more about what he is facing, maybe open some room for him to relieve his concerns, etc. He may not understand himself. I don't mean asking him directly but maybe making some "understanding" statements. I imagine you must be wondering who your roommate will be, etc., things like that? Easy starting points?? Certainly smoking pot, if addictive or excessive, could easily lead to withdrawal or depression or could be a response to depression. Which came first - the pot or the behavior?

Since boys don't often talk and since I know my son thinks I have high expectations, sometimes I try to give him some breathing room by telling him that I know he may not like it there, that he doesn't have to stay there if he does't like it after giving it a fair try - etc. I like to let him know that it's not the end all and be all (even if we have killed "ourselves" getting to this point) - I won't hate him, stop loving him, the world won't stop if he isn't the top student, etc. Lest anyone think this is permission to party and fail - we will also have the discussion about the $$ having some strings, naturally.

Many a kid (boys, especially) has had a rough start at college. You know your son best and his history best. If you believe there is an addiction and/or depression present then I would suggest a counselor now, more than an outdoor program. I don't think an outward bound type experience is the right way to go at this point. It sounds like he is frightened or pressured (escaping to video games, which are very addictive, btw), and maybe confused about what he will be facing and what he will be expected to do??? I haven't read your older posts so forgive me if I am all wet on this.

[ilsa belter]

I would follow Northstarmom's advice (#3) *to the letter* if it were my son. I hope you can get your husband to join you in a united front as I think that is essential. Good luck to you!

[nysmile]

You have some very hard decisions to make in the next couple of weeks. Sounds as if he has learned over the years that no matter how much he messes up, you will be there to bail him out. He's never really learned the value of responsibility. If he's choosing not to work, then it's time for you to choose to not give him any money. If he doesn't work--let him learn what it's like to be poor. Don't give him any money for anything--including tuition. Does he smoke pot in your home? Next time, call the cops on him. He needs to deal with the consequences of his behavior. Do not enable him. Set the rules. No summer job=No tuition from you. Smoking pot in your home=time for him to move out. You make the rules. You're his parent, not his friend.

Good luck. We're all hoping it works out. Don't think that sending him to college is going to change him. He knows that he has nothing to lose--he knows that know matter what he does wrong, you will bail him out.

[momofthreeboys]

I, too, would follow Northstarmom's advice. If he's old enough to go to college there's not much you can do to "change" him. He will make his own changes and decisions but you do...not...have...to...fund...him either. If he were one of my boys I would not "keep him at home" another year hoping something clicks and I would want to give him the opportunity to get a college degree. This is what my husband and I have articulated to all our boys. Not every young person with brains will succeed in college at age 18, but I personally could not give one of mine the chance. You are gambling with the costs you will incur next year, but that, too, is only a decision your family can make. Has the uncle "fired" your son? If not, he should have. What were the repercussions of your son not "showing up for work". For every action there should be a consequence. You know that, you said it but there haven't been any consequences. Maybe have the "uncle" fire your son and you guys tell him to find a job until it's time to leave for college, might be more "motivating" than a fancy camp. Calling the cops might be alittle extreme, but with that acception I do agree with nysmile, also.

[cmbmom]

ctmom - I was just thinking of you today and wodering how your son was doing. I am glad to hear the video game is no longer ruling his life. But oh so sorry to read your latest update.

I think Northstarmom's ideas are very good. Is it possible for him to get a deferrment for a year form his college? Does he even want to go away to college? If he were mine he would have to really convince me to me spend big bucks for college this year. I would insist on a written contract that spells out exactly what my expectations are for him to stay in college past first semester. And on this issue could your husband just defer to you and your decisions? Sounds like he does not want to be the "heavy," but some one has to.

[kippychick1961]

My husband is in construction, as are lots of our friends, we have friends that are cops, firemen, painters, and lots of other areas of work-they do well.

Is your son more interested in the trades? I saw that he was set to work in that arean but didn't show up, well, if it was my son, there would be no laundry, no food he likes, etc. in the house.

No reason to sit around doing nothing. If he was at least volunteering that would be one thing.

He may not be ready for college, sure, but he can and should be doing something, and its not depression, it just not giving a darn

How does he spend his day? What does he do?

[wis75]

Sounds like the job of a teenage son is to drive his parents crazy- in that you're not alone. Should he go to college this fall? Yes, if he says he wants to. Give him the expectations for keeping you as bill payers and let him show he can do it.

His behavior sounds familiar (not the pot)- sleeping, not doing much, et al- typical for age. I was worried about my son since he never heard his alarm clock at home, he has had 2 very good college years, this summer he still can have trouble with getting up on time. Do not presume his at home habits will carry over, I suspect dependency is easy at home and motivation to do things is lacking. I also bet he resents parents and will not do things at home he will do for himself away from home. I catch glimpses of the person my son is away from home and am pleased, he certainly does not give us the same persona at home.

Give him a chance to surprise you with success away from home. It is frustrating, but be reassured that things are probably not as dire as you think regarding his maturity. Denying him college for his current behavior is not going to mature him whereas letting go of him probably will. Do not hold him back. Consider this- the school admitted him based on his HS record, essays and teacher recommendations- the college and teachers who recommended him must feel he can do the job. I'm sure he is more capable than he is willing to let you know.

[nysmile]

His behavior sounds familiar (not the pot)- sleeping, not doing much, et al- typical for age.

This is not the typical behavior of a 17-19 year old. By this age, most have successfully worked at summer jobs. Most earn their own money and pay for their personal expenses such as gas money, date money, clothes money, entertainment money, etc. Most 17-19 year old do not sit around the house doing nothing. Most 17-19 year olds understand their responsibilities and try their best to meet the expectations set for them. This is the time when parents need to step back and let their kids learn how to be independent and competent adults. We need to let them fail and we need to let them deal with the consequence. If he doesn't wake up to the alarm clock, step back, and let him be late to work. The boss will say something to him. If he doesn't want to work, don't support his laziness by giving him money. Step back, let him fall, let him learn, let him discover what it takes to be a man.

[Shrinkrap]

"By this age, most have successfully worked at summer jobs. Most earn their own money and pay for their personal expenses such as gas money, date money, clothes money, entertainment money, etc. "

I don't disagree about promoting independance, but is that "most" in any particular area or "class"? This seems at odds with what I've read here, and with some of my personal experience ( with 17 year olds anyway) as well. Is there any data somewhere about this?

[wis75]

Disagree with your "most" assumptions, nysmile. Maybe your kids, but not all others who become highly successful adults. There are differences based on the socioeconomic status, attitudes, et al, of families, whether you like it or not. I remember hearing about a wealthy family's son commenting to his parents how a fellow classmate at Stanford didn't even know how to do his laundry- both had wealth, both did their laundry at college- the one who didn't know how stepped up to the mark and succeeded. Some students have a lot more "maturity" due to the need to grow up faster, this does not mean the others will not do well as college freshmen. I have heard enough comments in real life and on CC to feel that sleeping in, doing nothing and other behaviors are normal for teens during the summer (many of those getting up early to work wish they weren't...).

OP- the point is, don't worry about your son, he is most likely normal- normal consisting of a wide range of maturity and behaviors. The most important issue is - does he want to go to college? He may seem ambivalent about it (read other threads) due to normal anxieties, but unless he definitely does not want to go- let him go. Remember that although he may be legally an adult all teens are still growing, and college can be that incentive to be more adultlike (in some ways- I still remember college years as an interlude of freedoms with few responsibilities). We all set out to create model teenagers/young adults, but over the years most of us discovered that our particular children had strong personalities of their own, not always pliable/moldable as we wished, and so we're stuck with the bad as well as good, just like our parents were. You/we will survive and our children will succeed, the summer does not last forever.

[ldmom06]

ctmom -

I also agree with the idea of taking a year before entering school. NSM does say it best....he is at risk of blowing it. And if an ultimatum is what it takes to get him into the program you describe, then I'd issue it. Getting him involved in something that requires extreme physical exertion and forces a connection with others, especially in an outdoor setting, can be very therapeutic. He's got to snap out of it and start feeling something....even if it is something that makes him uncomfortable.

I do agree with the tough love approach advocated by some....but I just don't know if sending him off to school so he can possibly flunk out is the best thing right now. Tough love only works if the consequences of his actions are something that would bother him. If he doesn't care about anything, then I don't think you are yet in the place for a tough love lesson. I know I'm not articulating it well....but it seems as if he needs a 'jolt' to get him back to actually caring about what happens to himself, and to you and your family.

I wish you the best ctmom. I know this has been rough.