What to do if they are having second thoughts?

deb922 · 07-12-2008, 07:14 AM

I've been suspecting this for awhile but my D is having second thoughts about attending the school she chose.

My D was accepted to a very selective school and they met our need really well. It was an awsome feat to even be admitted and the aid package was nothing short of amazing. She even received a small scholarship with the rest in grant aid and no loans.

It is 8 hours from our current home but my H and I are relocating to a place and she will be 12 hours from us. Because of the distance I've told her that she will be limited oppportunities to come home. Now that it is real and she is leaving in a little over a month, she's not sure she wants to go so far away.

I understand, I wish that she had thought about this when she was picking her school but she was so delighted to be accepted that I don't think that she thought things through.

To complicate matters, she's met a boy. A very, very, nice boy, her first experience at dating. She does not want to stay in our home town and attend school her to be near the boy, but doesn't want to be so far away from me and the boy.

What can she do at this late date? She was accepted to some very nice state schools and she was even offered nice scholarships to them, is there any way she can be admitted to and find housing to a school she turned down?

Should she go to the school she picked and hope that she'll be fine or should she think about other opportunities.

Staying home is probably not a great option. My H is already at the new location and I will be following him as soon as my kids go to school. We are moving to a rural area and I don't think that there is a school that she can go to there. It's also in a new state and I have no idea about how residency would work.

My H is not going to be happy. He is not happy about the boy and I am certain that he will blame the boy for this, even though I don't think it's all about the boy but rather the distance from home.

mmaah · 07-12-2008, 10:08 AM

Second thoughts are very common at this stage and there are some things that would naturally amplify them for your daughter (romance, "home" will not be in the same place any more). But changing everything at this stage is probably unwise. I'd try to validate her feelings and see them as normal and expectable doubts. I would encourage her to accept the challenge of the opportunity she has got and let her know that you will find ways to be in contact with her, despite the distance, through the early weeks. I'd tell her that if she can jump into it and really explore what it is like there you will be willing to talk about transfer or a year off at Christmastime--but she has to make a try at it. I'd reassure her that great romances can survive some distance and you trust that she and this boy can manage the distance if it was meant to be (AND that she does have to demonstrate that she is not just staying in her room and talking on the phone to him.) This will probably be a hard-work transition but if you can quietly convey your confidence in her and your expectation that she stay the course for awhile, she will be able to really try out the new school community. Right now, she is making judgements based on fear, not the data of actual experience and she needs to give that a try before backing out.

deb922 · 07-12-2008, 11:26 AM

Thanks mmaah, it was great advice! Things have been in turmoil here. My H had a heart attack in April and I'm sure that is part of what has been going on.

She got her roomate and dorm assignment today and seems excited. Maybe that information will help get her excited about school.

It's been very hard with us moving and the price of gas and airline tickets. What was a not very expensive flight home last year seems to be doubling and gas is so expensive that visiting is going to be harder.

If it's meant to be, the boy will still be there. If not, I'm sure that there will be many more boys to come.

cartera45 · 07-12-2008, 11:36 AM

I'm sure she is feeling very vulnerable with all the changes coming. Stop talking to her about how hard it will be to visit. I think this is a mistake that lots of parents make. Not being able to visit sounds terrible now but will likely not be a big deal once they are settled in and visiting may be the last thing on their minds. She needs to get in touch with her room mate and start planning the dorm room, etc. to start the "mental" separation process. Hopefully the boy will not be an issue. That would be a really bad reason to change plans but not one that you can control as easily as helping her prepare for parent separation.

mmaah · 07-12-2008, 11:46 AM

Dear Deb: You sound like a wise mom who has been through a lot and you obviously have great daughter. Even if she doesn't say she's worried about her dad's health, that's likely to be on her mind regarding the distance too. So continuing to voice your confidence in her and your confidence in yourself (even if that's hard some days)and her dad's wellbeing will help her trust that it really is okay to leave you "alone at home." Being excited for her, voicing your sense that this is going to work (and even the romance--and if not there will be others) may seem to fall on deaf ears but kids are often listening to us way more than we know. With email and phones and sending photos lots of distance can be bridged these days. And I actually think it helps kids adjustment to college to not come home until the holidays (even not coming at Thanksgiving can work out because students who live closer to school could include her.) And LOTS of kids will be doing less traveling given prices these days. Maybe the boyfriend can visit her there....I bet it will all work out and that you will both be able to share in the excitement as time gets closer. Feeling really ambivalent is perfectly normal part of any life transition for humans--we crave novelty and hate change, very paradoxical....and for most kids this is their first big venture into the world and it can make home look so comfy and hard to leave. Once she's crossed the threshold and sees that you are also still fine I bet she'll fly just fine...When she voices anxiety I'd just remind her that there are lots of ways to stay connected without actual "visits home". Pioneers and folks in wartime and generations of students have weathered distances and thrived and she will too and that while you will miss her knocking around the house, you are so happy she is ready to do this next great adventure...Good luck with it and enjoy the sendoff process in whatever ways you can...

four arm · 07-12-2008, 01:10 PM

wow...

Parents write a lot....

Rising senior (2009)

oregon101 · 07-12-2008, 01:34 PM

sometimes just saying that you know it will be hard and that you will try and figure out some $$ to help her with her visits can go a long way. She is losing home and familiarity while in love-a lot at one time. The $ may be tight but even now you could get an envelope and put a $10 or $20 bill and tell you will try to put a few dollars in every few days and that she should also-and make it fun. When a friend visits and hears of this and offers a $5 -take it--in otherwords-go with her feeling and show support-even if you cannot just hand her plane tickets and such. "We will get you home, sweetie" will help all of you.

deb922 · 07-12-2008, 02:37 PM

Thank you so very much. It is so helpful. I know that some of this is me. Not only is my baby going to college but I am leaving everything that is familiar.

This is exactly the advice that I needed. She will be fine once she gets there, I think that it's just anxiety over leaving.

I have to say that I did not anticipate how gas prices have risen. The school she was admitted to was her first choice from the moment that she visited. Two years ago, getting to school and flying home were the least of our worries but things have changed in the last 6 months.

I know that friends of mine with rising Seniors are re-thinking their plans in regards to transportation costs. I know a friend of mine who did not have any problems with her kids going far and wide is really thinking of asking her rising Senior to stay instate.

I need to think that I am going to be able to get my D home on breaks. I have to re-think how I thought she was going to get home but hopefully the school will have ride boards and my D will be able to find a ride that will be close to family. I think that with the rising costs of fuel, kids will have to re-think how they get home. It's just scary when you don't know what is going to happen in the future, things have changed so much in the past year.

My S goes to school far from home. We got used to him being far away and are not able to visit. I have to remember how much I'm able to talk to him when he is at school and that I don't miss him as much as I thought I would.

My S has a week for Thanksgiving though and he has been able to find rides home, it's been easy. I guess that I am a little freaked out about my D short Thanksgiving break but maybe I should try to get her home even though flying on Thanksgiving break is a nightmare! And expensive! It would make her feel better if she knew that she was coming home. She won't have been to our new home and it might make her feel better to come to our new house.

Thanks again. My D had a little meltdown this morning but hopefully it was just temporary.

mominva · 07-12-2008, 04:38 PM

Get that credit card with frequent flyer miles and charge everything you buy each month, gas, food, clothing, EZpass, greeting cards, Starbucks, lunch out with friends-take the cash and put the entire bill on your card! You'd be surprised how quickly you earn the cost of a ticket.

GroovyGeek · 07-12-2008, 04:45 PM

You are much better off getting a cash rewards card than a miles card. Airlines are cutting back schedules dramatically, unless you book 12 months in advance it is very difficult to get the tickets you need, and all airlines are imposing fees on FF travel that reduce the value of the miles dramatically. Last but not least, you can never be sure which airline will be around in 2 years, or when they will double the miles required for a free ticket.

Cash is cash is cash, and if you value each mile at $0.01, cashback cards turn out to be a better deal.

Shrinkrap · 07-12-2008, 04:53 PM

^We got a milage one and tried to pay private tuition with it! .... imagine the miles! My D will be 3000 miles from home.Didn't work out though...

cartera45 · 07-12-2008, 04:57 PM

Some of the gas cards are generous. In the first 90 days, BP gives you 10% for BP purchases, 4% for other travel and dining and 2% for everything else. After that it's 5%, 2% and 1%. I use mine for everything and I get checks really regularly. I really built up the cash back when traveling for college visits and auditions.

mominva · 07-12-2008, 06:21 PM

Our Credit union card has no blackout dates on any airline. The number of points required is based on the cost of the ticket at booking.
Our middle child's private college did allow us to pay by credit card. It got our family of five across the country and back for vacation. Now we get younger daughter to and from school on the opposite coast.

kippychick1961 · 07-12-2008, 06:23 PM

Very likely any scholarships she was offered at other schools are long gone, so to consider them without checking would be a mistake.

And how often did she realistically expect to come home, beyond thanksgiving and christmas when you were just 8 hours away? If she expected to come home alot, then that was not a realistic way to think about school.

deb922 · 07-12-2008, 07:59 PM

She never expected to come home very often. I think that she is mostly concerned about fall break, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I think that the problem is that home is not going to be home. Mostly I'm sure it's about the boy, but the boy is a recent problem. Before the boy, she wasn't that concerned about coming home. She didn't have that many friends anyways and her best friend is moving also.