Anyone ready to send their kid back to college?

peace2all · 07-12-2008, 12:39 PM

So no one prepared me for what a whirlwind the first summer back would be when my child comes back from her first year of college!! It's like an alien has taken over my loving, compassionate, obedient child and replaced her with someone else!!

Her grades were awesome for her first year in college, she met really nice friends, she broke up with her long-time bf from high school, she got a job a week after coming home....So what's the problem then?

She's hooked up with another guy here at home whose family is very "free spirited", he goes to the community college but has no sense of direction, has parties at his house practically every night, and shows no respect for our family. My DD is out 4-5 nights a week with this guy, I have had no sleep b/c she comes home at 2am in the morning, and she argues with us b/c she says we are "holding her back" from the "new" person she has discovered in her.

I find myself wanting to give her the "your under my roof, deal with it or leave" lecture, but I know I will regret it.

Her college did such a fine job holding our hands as parents to help us with the transition/letting go in the beginning of the year....but boy they did not prepare us on how this new sense of independence was going to bite our butt at the end of the year!!

Sorry to vent...But tell me I'm not alone on this am I? Or are you all okay with your child doing whatever they want??? I never ever thought in my entire parenting life I would wish for her to be soon gone out of the house and back to college! :-(

PackMom · 07-12-2008, 12:47 PM

You are not alone. There's is a reason that lots of kids don't come back home to live after soph. year. You have found it. Yes, when my oldest has come home to vist on breaks, his social schedule drives me nuts. After the first summer at home, he has stayed in his college town and worked. It's probably better for all involved (at my house I mean).

Lafalum84 · 07-12-2008, 01:09 PM

My S is bored stiff. He wasn't able to find much of a summer job - the job he did find will probably have him working a total of 10 - 12 days out of the whole summer. Most of his friends are working though. So he is BORED....

peace2all, it is NOT unreasonable for you to enforce some basic house rules. If for no other reason than out of courtesy and respect to you, your d should tell you where she is going, with whom, and what time she will be home. If you can't sleep until you know she's home safe, then some sort of compromise should be reached. She is absolutely free to become her own person, she is 18. But that doesn't mean you have to finance that freedom. If she wants to treat your house like a boarding house, then charge her board. If she is a family member then she should act like one, and that means treating her parents with respect.

peace2all · 07-12-2008, 01:12 PM

Having her stay in college during the summer would be ideal. She and I had a great relationship while she was in college. How does a parent not take it personally when your child seems to be so unhappy at home? (Unfortunately..staying for the summer at college is not affordable to us.)

drizzit · 07-12-2008, 01:13 PM

Well I tried to avoid this with one son who I know is a free spirit. When he got home we set some ground rules.

Live here help around the house for the food--OK no problem dad

Stay out past 2 then text me so if I wake up and the car is not here I know to check my phone to know you are not dead or in jail LOL -- OK no problem Dad

Showed him the paid college bills and explained the impact on the family budget and lifestyle while he was in college. I mentioned how while his is now independent he is very much a part of the family and his actions still impact mom and dad in so many ways.

Seemed to help and he has been good about the texting at night.

peace2all · 07-12-2008, 01:24 PM

Lafalum - Yes, I wish I knew about all this prior to her coming home so that we could've set some house rules ahead of time. Instead, it became a weekly battle of conflicts. We have agreed on listing down each other's wishes/expectations and see if we can come to some agreement. But the more I think about it, it's not so much about her going out and having fun...I don't mind if she was out with a bunch of friends but she is choosing to go out with this one guy who seems to be such a negative influence to her. The smart DD who seemed to have her head straight has all of a sudden went on the wild side.

So we set these "house rules", what do I do if she continues to break them? She's 18 and too old for grounding. If I take her car keys, she will just have him pick her up. Please tell me this "phase" will soon pass! I'm tired of this roller coaster ride. :-(

peace2all · 07-12-2008, 01:35 PM

Thanks Drizzit - Those are all great ideas. When I look back at why I wasn't smart enough to make some ground rules...it is because I really didn't think I needed them. She was always a very compassionate, smart and family-loving DD...everyone she came across was always so impressed with her maturity and intelligence. I don't know...maybe she has worked so hard staying on such a "straight path" all her life, that she's done with it ...I don't know. I'm afraid there's more happening here then I know.

giddey_up · 07-12-2008, 03:33 PM

I had a very similar experience last summer, peace2all. My D was always a little wild, but just became ridiculous upon returning for the summer. I did find I had to impose a curfew - but I made it Midnight on weeknights and 2am on weekends. My rationale: it is my house, I go to work in the morning, and I lose sleep when one of my kids is out until 2am.

I did take away car privileges after one incident of outright defiance. No car for the last 5 weeks of summer or so. As you would predict, this just meant the summer boyfriend had to do a lot of driving - but it put a strain on their relationship, I think. She dumped him right after returning to school.

The good news: this summer, it is like she has been miraculously cured of some bizarre mental illness and is reasonable, well behaved and considerate. We are still amazed - but I realize now that kids do a lot of growing up between 18 and 20.

So - be calm, be steady and stick to your guns. Be Ward Cleaver when talking with her! Oh - and remember the 3 keys to discipline: Certainty, Celerity and Severity!

worknprogress · 07-12-2008, 09:16 PM

Don't be too hard on yourself. I think when you've had a kid who has always towed the line, it would have been pretty heavy-handed to issue house rules in advance. Let's just hope this summer ends soon and she makes a clean break when she returns to school. I would be VERY careful not to say anything that would make the current relationship more important.

We were lucky this summer. DD is taking 2 five week courses (not at home) and so that really broke up the summer. I am already looking at her college's website for ideas for internships next year. Then I can casually say, "Hey, don't they have something....."

kippychick1961 · 07-12-2008, 09:59 PM

Well, I have a rising senior, and she is great, no big issues, but gee whiz, I am looking forward to her going to college!!

At least she is coming home at 2, imagine if she was crashing at his house all the time!! But she should be respectful, etc around the house.

I would be sooo tempted if I knew underage drinking was going on at that house, I would be so tempted to call the cops on those parents. They are being foolish if they are allowing that.

Just tonight my daughter said she might be going to a bon-fire in a local park (they have fire pits). Living in California, with all these fires, dry brush, etc, I told her I thought it was a stupid idea, and that I was going to call the local parks department and see if they were even allowed to have fires in the pits during our "spare the air days". It wasn't about her, it was about the park, and as a citizen, I didn't think a fire was a good idea.

A bonfire at the beach would be different.

momnipotent · 07-12-2008, 10:18 PM

Hey all....I have not posted, let alone trolled on CC forever! This one caught my eye. Since DD stayed in Boston last summer, I am THRILLED to have her home for the summer. I must admit that I have conceded that she can mangage her social life without my watchful eye (and worried head) and I no longer wait up for her to come home in the evenings. Since she works till late in the evening most of the time, the kids often get together late at night ( which is what was going on at school as well). As I remember it, this is how my life was at her age too. My soon to be freshman in college is still coming home pretty early! We are all getting a bit bugged by his music practice on his days off.....a practice room at school is really gonna be a nice fit for the kid this fall. I guess I will miss the low brass bellows when he is gone...I guess. Ah well, high school DS plays the low brass horn too (only for fun) so I should get enough from him.

peace2all · 07-13-2008, 12:47 AM

It is almost 2 in the morning and I just caught her on a "text lie". She admitted that instead of her sleeping over a girlfriends house, her and her girlfriend are crashing at her boyfriends house. I insisted that she come home. Now she's saying she can't drive and is begging me to let her stay over and to trust her! I told her I was leaving and picking her up. Augh! Please pray for us :-( What would you do? Any help or suggestions is greatly appreciated!

munchkin · 07-13-2008, 01:02 AM

No advice, I was in a similar situation before, d was 16 at the time. Caught her in a lie, I threatened to go pick her up and half an hour later, she came home, her friend drove her.

You have my sympathies.

timely · 07-13-2008, 01:06 AM

peace2all, no suggestions really, but since I just read this and you just posted it, I will pray for you to have wisdom about what to do.

It's true that she's an "adult", but it is your perogative to say that she can't be sleeping over at guys' houses while she's living with you.

kittymom · 07-13-2008, 01:34 AM

If the reason she "can't" drive is related to drinking, then I'd say either let her stay overnight or pick her up. I am probably over protective myself, but allowed my daughter to stay over at her boyfriend's friend's house after a party last summer when she called after one am. I'd rather she come home in the morning than drive at 2 am. Of course she was 21, so I didn't have alot to say, at least she called. This year, she has graduated and is living in an apartment with two great room mates-they do grow up and survive without us.