Is your child paying a social cost for success?

[blossom]

We gave our kids the message starting very young that life was filled with trade-offs. Mom worked and did volunteer work which was important to her... that left less time for coffee with friends or aerobics classes, like many of their friends moms. Dad worked and was a very involved parent- so didn't have time to join a gym or play golf. Kids also make trade-offs- (if parents let them!)- staying up late to watch a tv show means being tired the next day, playing a sport means less time to play out back with neighbors and siblings; eating cookies after school means no dessert that night.

My kids entered HS knowing that nobody gets to be class clown, "most likely to succeed" , physics olympiad winner, and prom queen all at the same time. Why feed into the notion (patently false as any grown-up will tell you) that it's possible to have it all??? Kids who choose to focus on school work and activities that are meanginful to them, or have jobs out of choice or necessity, are going to have less time for "hanging out" or IM'ing each other all night. That's got nothing to do with Queen Bee's or Mean girls- it's just a law of physics.

I think parents who want their kids to have a HS experience like on a TV sitcom where the kid is popular and successful academically and on a few teams and also has time to have a perfect tan and shop for gorgeous clothes is doing their kid a real disservice. I'd look good too if I had time to get my teeth bleached and hair done every week.

I cannot believe you would care about catty comments other kids make to your kid. The world is filled with small-minded people- get used to it now.

[MiamiDAP]

I also agree that:
"Personality plays into whether or not social expectations are met".

My D. likes to be out with friends, she is rarely at home. They do not discuss grades and such and she mentioned while in HS that nobody knew about her 4.0 GPA, nobody knew that she was top until graduation, where they had couple awards for that. They did not share their SAT/ACT scores. And after graduation nobody cared either. Maybe those were reasons for her social life being totally unaffected by her grades. I did not mean that it was a secret, just not important for social interactions.

[nitnat]

GFG, we can totally relate to your situation....Keep reminding your daughter she on track to accomplish her dreams. Our sophmore made it to state for track and is a varsity cheerleader & honor student. There will be those girls that are jealous even if they are on the same teams.......Just today I told her you can't control the envirorment at school but she can control her texting and group of friends. Encourage your D to have several different groups which my daughter seems to and is very active socially. The ones I know are filled with drama and are queen bees, I try and limit the amount of time she spends with them. (Without her knowing.) Luckily she adapts much easier than I do. Tell her to pray and just let her know how much you love her and she can always come to you....

[mammall]

OP, do know that who is popular at the end in hs is very different to who is popular at the start and even midstream. Life has a way of evening the score. My D1 who did not date at all until start of 11th and was by any measure the quintessential nerdy scholar girl became quite the social butterfuly in the end. On her time. When she HAD time. Real achievement does attract some spitefulness and lonely moments but in the end it is a huge social magnet. Right now your D just needs you and her teachers on her side. The rest are just noise.

[momreads]

We moved at the start of my son's freshman year. He was very quiet and shy when he first got to his school. But he got excellent grades in all his subjects. The kids quickly realized that he was an outstanding student, and some did resent it. He's now a senior, and sometimes I wonder if he will ever slow down. He's at the top of his class, president of the student council, captain of a team, holds a job. He just needed time to become more comfortable with his classmates, and now, he is quite popular. So people do change. So do situations.

[starbright]

So fascinating to read this thread as it becomes apparent to me that so much of the HS culture must depend on the HS and the region. My D goes to an all-girl very selective HS. About 60% of the kids are Asian. The Asian kids have different upbringing, regarding what they do outside of the classroom (more time spent on tutoring, music lessons etc. than say going to the mall or playing spors).

But all the kids are high-achievers academically, some popular, some geeky, some sporty. The top academic performers are proportionately of both ethnic groups. And contrary to Blossom's experience, some kids really DO seem to be the all-stars: the top couple of academic award winners are also the track stars and the winners of the citizenship awards and the leaders and the socially most popular. But alas, life is not fair, especially in HS.