Don't Go Breaking My (Kid's) Heart

[coureur]

The way I have explained it to D2, who is applying to several high-end reach schools, is that I have PROMISED her that she will get rejected by some of them, maybe even all of them. But at the same time I have promised her that she will get into many fine schools (her safeties and matches) and will have a great time if she ends up attending one of those. The goal is to lessen the shock if the dream school thing doesn't happen.

The challenge I face is that she saw the dream come true for her big sister, so she may expect the same for herself. I have to keep reminding her that lightning may not strike twice.

[Marian]

They were top 25 kids in a class of 650 or so, one played in a jazz band the other was senior class president, but they weren't Intel finalists or anything like that.

I know an Intel semifinalist who got rejected by Penn.

There is no single qualification that will ensure admission to all highly selective schools. But if you don't try, there's no chance at all of getting in, right?

[terrygreg]

Marian,
This is exactly the kind of scenario that I keep hearing about.

"I know an Intel semifinalist who got rejected by Penn."

My son is NOT an Intel semifinalist. His GPA and scores are pretty good (34 ACT) but aside from the usual EC's that you see on CC he has no hook that a super selective school like Brown would jump for. Some of the parents have advised me to let my son apply to these super reaches anyway as long as there are safeties too. Do you share that opinion or would you just take these "lottery schools" off his list?

(just reread you last line, I guess it wouldn't hurt to try)

[mafool]

Sometimes you get the brass ring; sometimes you don't. If you don't reach for it you can't get it. And if you don't count on getting it, there is no harm in reaching.

I think the info about the Intel semifinalist is instructive in another way. The semifinalist did not make the cut at Penn. We know that other seemingly more "average" students did. The moral, to me, is that beyond a certain point, there is no predicting the outcomes.

[MarinMom]

If he doesn't apply he's 100% certain not to get in. As far as taking risks is concerned it's pretty tame, and perhaps heartbreak is part of the human condition (better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all).

My advice to my kids has been not to apply to a super-reach school unless they really like it. It's not worth the time, effort, and money to apply just to have more notches on one's belt. That being said, what the heck, if you get in, great, if not, oh well, the school's loss.

[jaybee]

I did not encourage my son to apply to reaches and super-reaches, but only because we were 100% certain not going to get any need-based financial aid, and we had already set a $ limit well under the going rate of $45-50,000.

I, thus, did not want to be "the bad guy", in refusing to pay for a super-selective school. Your situation may be completely different.

[twinmom]

When my kid was a junior, we toured many schools in the Boston area. We spent a lot of time at Tufts which we both really liked. We did a very quick tour of Harvard, mostly to humor my daughter. It was the only school we did not attempt to eat it or talk to random students. I let my daughter apply but basically told her she should forget about it. When she got in (early) she barely remembered what the school looked like as we had focused so little energy on it as we toured. She is happily enrolled there now. No, she is not an Intel finalist, etc. etc. And by the way, she did not get into Penn and was waitlisted by Wash U.

You cannot win if you do not play ... nor can you protect your child from disappointments in this world.

[Dad II]

You said it, Marinmom (#20). Very nicely put.

[2boysima]

Post #21 is also key. I've read about enough kids on CC and seen kids who have gotten into highly selective schools they didn't expect to be admitted to...only to have parents say they won't pay for it.

Safety EA or rolling admissions schools that your child applies to early (and would be VERY happy at) frequently help prevent heartbreak in April....

[HisGraceFillsMe]

Also, something to keep in mind: the class of 2008 was supposedly the peak of the "baby boom echo", as some called it. As such, it was the most competitive college admissions year anyone has seen in a long time. Even the UCs had elevated competition, as well as some of the more competitive CSUs.

Now things probably won't be back to normal just quite yet, but most of us think that Class of '09 won't be quite as bad. (At least at my school, '09 really doesn't stand up to '08's standards...not to put down any rising seniors or their skills. This is just the conversation that occurred at my particular school.)

[mattmom]

If your child has the numbers to make a reach at least a possibility, then of course he should apply. The key, as other posters have noted, is to be sure there are matches and safeties that also meet his needs and will be good fits for him. There is no harm in applying to reach schools--and as so many people have said on these boards, many top schools are reaches for almost anyone, anyway. It is okay to be disappointed if you don't get in to some of the schools--we've been through that and it is not fun--but keep in mind you can't protect him from disappointment forever, in any case, and applying to a dream school or two is fine, assuming there is some basis of achievement. Just work with him to keep things in perspective and be sure he appluies to a range of schools that will work for him.

[MilwDad]

Any child who would be "heartbroken" not to get into any particular school or small group of schools does not have a mature perspective. We suffer from an embarrassment of riches of great colleges in this country. There are "fourth tier" universities here -- quite a few of them, in fact -- that would be the pride of nations in many parts of the world. Some of us attended them, and have had long and productive careers in which we have hired and fired many an Ivy Leaguer.

By no means do I suggest that there are not qualitative differences among US colleges and Universities, but for any motivated student the institutions that are capable of providing a happy and valuable college experience are not five or eight or fifty, but number in the hundreds. That's the mature perspective.

Now, 17 year old kids shouldn't necessarily be expected to have a mature perspective. That's where good parental advice and behavior comes in during this process.

[carolyn]

Terrygreg: I think that, as parents, we all hate to see our kids disappointed. Our natural inclination is to try to protect them. However, we ultimately have to learn that life is often unfair, and we can't protect our adult kids from every disappointment. In terms of college, there are a few important things that we, as parents, need to do.

The first is to try to separate out our own anxiety about how things will turn out from our child's anxiety about the admissions process. As a counselor, kids often confide to me that they are more worried about "letting their parents down" and how their parents will react if they are rejected from a particular school, than they are about how they, the student, will feel. So, number one rule: try to keep your anxiety in check as much as possible. Some worry is normal, of course, but if you find yourself giving ANY signals at all to your son that may add to HIS anxiety, pull back, and find another outlet for it.

The other thing that is very important to remember is that most kids are pretty resilient. Unless your son has some sort of emotional issue that makes you concerned that he will react in some over the top manner if he is rejected somewhere, have faith in his ability to handle rejection IF it occurs. Yes, IF a rejection happens, he may be disappointed for a while, but he is not likely to be devastated.

A third point to remember, and keep repeating to yourself: Being rejected from ANY college - highly selective or not -- is not a personal reflection on your son OR you as a parent. Do not take any rejection personally, and make sure your son understands that any rejection he may receive down the road is not a measure of his worth as a person.

Finally, while there are rare instances where a student is not accepted anywhere, in MOST cases, students who have a well-rounded list that includes at least one or two safe bets, really WILL end up OK. Even if the worst happens, and he doesn't get accepted anywhere (again, this is VERY rare), life will go on. He'll apply again the following year, he will end up ok, and so will you.

So, make a promise to yourself right now, not to let anxiety overwhelm YOU. Trust that all will work out as it should, help your son develop a well rounded list, and don't get too caught up in fear. It really will be OK.

[carolyn]

PS I would also caution you against reading too much into the stories of OTHER people's admissions sagas. Each student is unique, and so is their admissions journey. Unless you have the OTHER student's application before you, and sat in on the admissions committee meeting where the decision was made, you really don't have the full story, and that can make for some crazy late nights of worry. Don't compare your son, or his chances, to people you haven't even met. There are plenty of horror stories to go around, but there are also literally THOUSANDS of wonderful happy endings. Focus on THOSE, not the few horror stories.

I also would caution you NOT to discuss the schools your son is applying to with friends, neighbors, family members, and the postman. A good deal of admissions anxiety for many parents comes from fear of the embarrassment of having to tell people that your child didn't get in to such and such school. Just keep things to yourself as much as possible, and caution your son to do the same.

[mafool]

An addition to Carolyn's many excellent points: Being "rejected" is not always about not being "good enough," sometimes it really is about "fit."

I am now glad that our son was not accepted to MIT. If he had been, he may have gone. But knowing what I know now, I doubt that MIT would have been a great place for him. I think that the adcoms may have seen something in his application that told them them the same thing if they were, in fact, considering him for admission.

Your son will find his spot (and there is no one and only spot) and make his way and be fine. When we are in this phase with our kids, we can feel that everything is make or break. I think we help by being calm and providing respite for them during this stressful time of decisions and transitions.