Don't Go Breaking My (Kid's) Heart

[theocmom]

We did this 3 years ago now, and I've asked d-- both she and I have no regrets about her applying to reaches and one super-reach --she got into 9/10 although d was waitlisted/ then did not get into her one super-reach. Although last year was worse than the year before for admissions, the population chasing spots has made college admissions brutal in general for years.

She did get into 3 reaches (and 4 other matches, all with affordable net cost for us), and we had set the expectation that unless ANY offer was affordable to us, it was out of the picture. One reach was immediately dismissed when the net cost after merit and fin AID was deducted was 20K higher than other offers. It was not a surprise that it was out of whack as we knew the school wasn't need-blind and postings here from previous years had educated us on the school's gapping. Not getting emotionally attached is key, as is managing expectations correctly. Comparing your attributes to older students at your h.s. with similiar qualifications is a key reality check-- where did they get in/not get in. For us, so was visiting to confirm her interest and then listening intently about each school's merit aid policies- we found some schools were quite open about this, and it helped d to choose match schools for her list. Admissions season was painless for us, even the waitlisting at the super-reach was a happy day. However the brutality of what happened to d's graduating class (i.e., who didn't get what they wanted) was shocking.

Having a realistic list with only a few super-reaches is key if you are applying for fin aid because the schools can see your other fin aid schools...and you want to avoid your reaches thinking they are second choice to your super-reaches and waitlisting your student, otherwise known as tufts syndrome...one top classmate was brutally waitlisted/rejected from 9 schools in a few days and well, that was tough.

In summary, go for it but calculate carefully and unemotionally.

[terrygreg]

Thank you all for your great advice. I am not going to tell him to take the super reach schools off his list, I am going to suggest that he add one or two more safeties to his list instead. Then, I am going to relax and not worry. He is mature and level headed - he has never fallen apart in the past so he will probably be okay, whatever the outcome.

[ebeeeee]

Agree with everything said and ECHO Loudly the words about financial considerations. Do not let him apply to super reaches if you cannot afford the full freight tuition. Nothing is more heartbreaking to me than the posts by kids who got into their super reach only to have the parents tell them it wasn't affordable. Don't count on FA to pay for a super reach or any school.

[mafool]

terrygreg, sounds good! This is just one of many times you will need to trust him and his resources in the next few years. He sounds like a great kid.

[cpq1xtbu]

"Having a realistic list with only a few super-reaches is key if you are applying for fin aid because the schools can see your other fin aid schools...and you want to avoid your reaches thinking they are second choice to your super-reaches and waitlisting your student, otherwise known as tufts syndrome...one top classmate was brutally waitlisted/rejected from 9 schools in a few days and well, that was tough."

theocmom-- I'm new to this, so I don't understand how this works. How do the schools see the financial aid applications to other schools? How do you keep your reaches (or safeties for that matter) from thinking they are second choice?

[VeryHappy]

OP: You equate "not getting in" with "breaking his heart." These are two entirely separate things.

As several have said, you can't get in if you don't apply. So, apply.

But as several have said, don't focus on one school as the be-all, end-all. That way, if he's rejected, his heart isn't broken.

Sounds simple and logical.

[mafool]

cpq1xtbu-
If the other schools to which you are applying are listed on the application (the question is often asked), the inference can be drawn. There are discussions elsewhere about the wisdom and strategy of listing other schools.

[calmom]

PLEASE -- let your son have command of the process - let HIM choose the school. Offer him your support and equip him with good information, but let him figure it out from there. My son dropped Ivies and their equivalent from consideration after reading the book A is for Admission by Michele Hernandez, which is a good reality check as to what goes on in elite admissions.

Another book I recommend is Winning the College Admissions Game, by Peter Van Buskirk --this book is very direct about the considerations that go into admissions -- and is actually 2 books in one, one for parents, one for kids, with some of the best info of any college admissions book about college financial aid as well. The advantage of this book is that it also provides the info your son needs to improve his presentation for college apps -- there is a strategy, both in selection of schools and in putting together an application - and it is a probably something that you would pick up from reading post on this board -- but its a lot easier to hand your kid a couple of books and let him browse through them or read them.

Do talk finances with your kid, from the beginning -- and if you know a college is going to be financially out of reach, then tell him. But do not tell him that he cannot apply to any school if he truly wants to attend -- both my daughter and her older brother were upset with me during her high school senior year because I "didn't have faith" and "didn't support" her efforts toward reach schools -- she felt that I was a drag on the process. And she was admitted to the reach schools she applied do, including the college she now attends, in what ended up being the most competitive admissions year of its history. (And she had the type of "stats" where anyone would have told her to forget about getting in -- in fact, one very well known "expert" on college admissions told her exactly that.)

I did see it as my job to make absolutely sure my daughter applied to schools that were both admissions and financial safeties for us --in our case, that was accomplished by the end of November, when UC applications were due -- and I figured that once the UC app was in, my job was over. So in hindsight, I should have been more of a cheerleader after that, less of a nay sayer.

Like you, I was worried about my daughter being hurt by disappointing results... but I didn't realize that the most important "acceptance" to her emotionally was the respect and encouragement she wanted from her mom. I wanted to protect her, but she felt hurt by the sense that her own mom didn't think she was good enough for the top schools. Of course I didn't say anything like that, but that's the message she took from my pessimism and constant attempts to push the merits of the safety schools.

(Of course, I can't win with my d. Now she has her sights set on a graduate program that is extremely difficult to get into. I keep telling her I am sure that she is going to get in, and she keeps telling me that I just don't understand how impossible that is. But at least I'm no longer playing the role of the nay sayer.)

[2331clk]

What has happened too in recent years is the blurring of reach/match/safety categories. It's entirely possible (actually it's become quite common) for someone to be accepted into Harvard or Yale, waitlisted at WashU and JHU, and rejected at Georgetown and Tufts. Unfortunately you don't know where he'll get lucky till the results are in so I agree, apply to a couple far reaches.

I also agree with applying to rolling admissions safety, plus an EA or two especially if your son applies to a reach ED. My son got an EA acceptance same week as ED rejection. Without that early acceptance, even though he ended up elsewhere, it would have been a lousy Christmas and a long winter.

[mathmom]

I still think MIT would have been a great fit for my son, but it was not the end of the world. Carnegie Mellon is a great fit too.

The point is that elite school admissions from the outside looking in are caprecious enough that you never really know why one kid was accepted and another one wasn't. It may have been one kid's letter of recommendations, another kid's incredible essay, or a third kid might have an EC outside school that no one knows about.

[scout59]

When I saw the thread title here I thought it was going to be about romantic entanglements! Oh, well. My D actually fell in love with her safety and chose it over her matches and reaches. Her senior year was blissfully stress-free..... and now that we're rapidly approaching her launch into college, I'm afraid of the OTHER kind of heart-break. She and her first really serious boyfriend have decided to date other people in college, and although she seems resigned to the situation, I can't help but feel hurt for her!

Back to the topic of the thread though - sure, let your S apply anywhere he wants to. You can't shield him from disappointment, but you can help him be resilient. Resilience is useful, both in college admissoins and in romance....

[historymom]

sorry if this has already been said, but make sure when a safety is calculated that you look at the acceptance rate as well as at the score range.

The fact that your studen't's scores are in range is only part of the equation. Check Pitzer for a good example. Their CR SAT range is 570-680, Math 550-650. that would appear to put Pitzer in the safety range for many students here on CC. However, their acceptance rate is 26% and I wouldn't consider any school that accepted fewer than half of the applicants a true safety. I may be more conservative than the averge person on this point but better to be conservative and have someplace to go in the fall than overly optimistic and be aced out everywhere.

I echo the advice to apply early to schools that offer rolling admissions and apply EA to as many as possible. Having a couple of choices in the bag is a great way to go into the winter.

[sybbie719]

One of the old CC mantras is "love thy safety".. have your son love thy safety to a point that if it were the only school that her were to be admitted to, he would still be happy to attend. Also unless this safety is a financially feasible option for your family, it is not a safety. As long as he has one of these on his list, everthing else that happens is essentially gravy.

Overall, I think that your job is support and to be supportive of your kid during what can be a very stressful process. All he can do is show his best self in the application process, and then let it go an let the process play it self out.

You also need to stress to him that he is not defined by what school he is admitted to or where he decides to attend. He is not a failure if he is not chosen for admission to hot school, reach for everybody school as the net-net is there are not enough seats for all of the great students who are applying. The worse case scenario is that he does not have to live and die by the acceptance (if it is not really what he wants, he only has to stick it out a year and then look into the transfer process).

After all has been said and done, his gift will make room for him and he will end up where he needs to be. If he does not apply, he has a 100% chance of not being admitted.

[pensive123]

Re MIT admissions:
Years ago Icalled to inquire about admissions for my very intelligent son.

The admissions counselor I spoke to at MIT informed me that just about everyone who applies can do the work at MIT.

So to admit, they have to look at ECs. She said they are itnerested in the unusual. For instance, a girl I know was accepted. Her mom thinks it was due to student council, whereas I KNOW it had to have been her competing in Irish dancing at the world competition in Ireland. She was in Irish dancing since she was 4.

[asdfjkl1]

Ready him for rejection. Basically get him to love his better bets and help him appreciate/understand why not _____ University. Just make it so that he really appreciates if he gets into whatever selective school and get him to kind of push it back a little. Sure, he can like it. But if he loves it, he'll be heartbroken if he doesn't.

My parents did this and it worked quite well. =]