How much unsolicited advice do you give to other parents on college issues?

[curious77]

I try to give only factual material and not opinion based information. For example, I let people know about SAT IIs and to plan the timing of them to coordinate with HS classes if possible, the no merit aid from many top schools issue (so many people are in the dark about this and I advise them to check the school's website), and to keep in mind the gpa and rigor issues when planning their child's HS courses. I do not give opinions on retaking SATs. Even when asked about admissions chances, I say "one never knows in this admissions climate, but if your child does not apply, you will never know." I save my frank opinions for these boards.

[NorthMinnesota]

A friend of mine recently got together a group of moms who have daughters to discuss senior year and issues that may come up. We decided to meet once a month and offer info and support to each other. My "area" is passing on articles relevant to college apps and available scholarships. It has been a lot of fun!


On the other hand I also had to bite my tongue when another teammate's mom went on and on how her daughter is a shoo in for an elite LAC. Her ACT score is very nice but not near the average for that school. sigh...I hope she won't be disappointed!

[zebes]

Word's gone out that my d's h.s. is seeking parent volunteers for the college and career room next year. And I'm thinking about helping out as I know of a lot of areas we were never informed about as far as the college process, i.e. SAT II's. I learned about them after the fact for my S; thank goodness he didn't need them. However, we missed taking the Bio SAT II after my d finished AP bio her freshman year because we didn't know about them. Thankfully, that was remedied in time for her to take the chem SAT and math II sat after AP chem and pre-calc. I know a lot of folks don't know about those. But I'm also aware the majority of the kids in our public school stay in-state at the state schools for a variety of reasons, but most especially Bright Futures. So, a lot of info I've seen on here doesn't necessarily come into play. I'll probably just be happy when D gets in ... and move on to the next line item for my own kids -- when do you take the LSAT and which law school is the best fit for my S's leanings.

[Youdon'tsay]

I have a big circle of friends, most of whom have kids a year or two younger, and I share information with them. The only real advice I'd say I gave is while you're on vacations this summer and next go ahead and check out colleges to start to think about what your child might want.

To the pp who talked about the full ride at some college: I let those things go because either they're lying or they are simply confusing merit-based aid with need-based aid and so what's the point of pointing out their error? If they're lying, they know it, and if they're mistaken it would look like, to me, that you were pointing out they weren't wealthy enough to finance this exorbitant education. What's to be gained by that?

[scout59]

I share very little unless I'm asked point-blank about schools my D visited.

Appparently, most of my co-workers have "brilliant" children who are destined for Ivy League schools. Recently one such co-worker remarked that S's 30 score on the ACT made him a shoe-in for Duke. I usually just say things like "you must be so proud of your son/daughter" or "Duke is a really good school," because if I try to tell them the "truth" they generally don't listen. And don't get me started on scholarships!

Must. Bite. Tongue.

[dke]

Exactly, Scout. Everyone's kid is "brilliant" in our neighborhood, and when one mother says that her "brilliant" son will be at Stanford and the other mother's will be at Princeton, I just smile. I'm a realist about my own kids' chances but that's my business, not to educate other mothers.

[StickerShock]

If they're lying, they know it, and if they're mistaken it would look like, to me, that you were pointing out they weren't wealthy enough to finance this exorbitant education. What's to be gained by that?

Well, if you are talking to a parent who is claiming his son got in to Harvard on a full scholarship, nothing would be gained. So I wouldn't say anything except, "How wonderful!" However, if you are having an informal college chat with a parent who is under the incorrect assumption that merit $$ is awarded at a school where you know it's not, then you are being helpful to let them know the truth.

I can't tell you how many times I was told about full ride to the ivies, Notre Dame, Boston College, Tufts, etc. & I assumed these stories to be true. The same thing happens regarding private high schools. Some schools award academic scholarships in our area. Some don't. Often parents brag about their kid earning an athletic scholarship, when in fact it was a need-based financial aid award. The misinformation causes plenty of problems.

[emeraldkity4]

my kids are older than my friends kids , so I did find myself emphasizing some things that they are clueless about- the main one is-

NO you cant move to California and get instate tuition after a year of attending school there.
No really.
I know it was different 30 years ago.
Yes it is expensive for out of state.

No, they can't claim independence if they file their own taxes...

People just don't want to hear it, so I am now shutting my mouth, this year they will be applying for colleges, and I feel like saying " don't come crying to me, I told you so"

[fireandrain]

When my daughter was applying a few years ago, I agonized over this. I knew so much more than any of her friends' parents, and I cringed as I watched. In the end, I kept my mouth shut unless I was directly asked for advice. It was just so awkward.

Now I feel freer giving advice, but I will only give advice if asked. My first piece of advice is telling parents they need to complete an online financial aid estimator ASAP, before they do anything else. I also direct parents to come to CC.

One of my friends has a daughter younger than mine. We discussed the whole college ap process as my daughter went through it, and talked about all the colleges my daughter visited junior and senior year. But when her daughter was a junior, they visited very few colleges and instead planned family vacations abroad. When her daughter was a senior, the mom groaned a lot about how little time there was to visit schools and make decisions. I couldn't say "I told you so" because I had kept my mouth shut, but finally, after she directly asked me how we handled all the college visits senior year, I had to remind her that we started in the fall of junior year. It was awkward.

When it comes to financial aid, so many people just haven't a clue about the difference between need-based and merit-based. A "grant" under a need-based plan is viewed as a scholarship by many people.

The saddest, though, are parents who tell me their kid isn't going to apply anywhere because "they can't afford $45,000/year." So many schools don't cost that much, and these tend to be people who would get need-based aid.

[ellemenope]

Since I volunteer in our local hs's college center, I'm known by friends and acquaintances as the person who might be able to find the answer to your college question. Turns out that students aren't the only ones who don't read application instructions!

[idad]

I usually frame a reality check answer in terms of S2, who will be a junior in HS, and the competition he will be facing even though he is a very good student. The conversation often turns to the match and safety schools he is looking into and what he is doing to prepare for the application process. It seems to be effective since it gives one a point of reference.

[vballmom]

Having gone partway through the college search & application process with S1 who is a high school senior, I've been able to give SAT and SAT II timing advice to parents of S2's friends (juniors in high school). This has been in response to specific questions by the parents. Otherwise they're all pretty savvy and have smart kids, so they'll be fine. My sense is that no one in my sons' circles of friends is very caught up in the hunt for prestige; what's important is the fit of the boy to the college. To that end, I've pointed out a couple of lesser-known colleges, but my mantra is that all the boys will end up at the college that's right for them.

[cottonwood513]

A parent helped me by passing on SAT II scheduling info...and I do try and pass that on.

[Youdon'tsay]

Agreed, SS. I can just see many people being like me -- I don't care whether it's financial aid, merit aid or Gatorade, as long as I don't have to take money out of my own pocket, you can call it what you want!

[marnimom]

I share information that I've gathered from getting my older child through the process. The SAT IIs is one area that seems to be a problem nationwide. Another piece of advice I give is to recommend that students try both the SAT and the ACT early on and see which test they perform best on.

It's a delicate balance between trying to share information and giving advice. I think the earlier poster hit the nail on the head - stick with the info, be careful with unsolicited advice.

I admit I'm a bit more forward when it comes to family members. I stay on their backs about college preparation. I can't help myself and I'm sure they'll forgive me in the long run (-: