Advice needed: Happily Ever After or a PhD - Page 2

mathmom · 03-31-2009, 09:08 AM

QuantMech you sound like us. We are pretty frugal. We didn't buy a second car until DH got promoted to Associate professor. Actually all the walking I did was extremely good for me, it kept me thin.

I also agree, weddings don't have to be expensive. Ours was on the Caltech campus - cost very little to reserve the olive garden and was beautiful.

oldfort · 03-31-2009, 09:13 AM

Why get married now? It doesn't look like either one of you has enough money to start a family or form an economic unit. I would advise both of you to get your career started, save some money, then get married and maybe have kids later. I don't think I would advise my girls to get married until they could support themselves. So many people get married later on in their lifes now.

Inthebiz · 03-31-2009, 09:14 AM

It sounds to me like the 2 of you need to sit down and talk about what's important to you both.

Do you really need a wedding that costs alot? (It's the marriage that's important.)

Do you really need to buy a house?

Can you get into a PhD program that not only pays your tuition and fees but also a "decent" stipend. (By the way, my advice to ANYONE looking at a PhD program in the humanities is to ONLY go to a program that offers tuition + decent stipend - it's foolish (in my opinion) to go into debt to get a degree in English or history or philosophy, etc. when the chances are very real you may never get a tenure-track faculty position and even if you do, they don't pay very well and you'll have a problem paying off your loans.)

What does your boyfriend want to do with his life? (I'm sure a minimum-wage job is not his goal in life.)

Once you figure out what you BOTH want from your lives (at least in the relative short-term) figure out how you can accomplish it. Part of the young-married/grad school experience is struggling financially - believe it or not it can be kind of fun and you'll look back on the "lean old days" with fondness someday.

Good luck!

Briseis · 03-31-2009, 09:26 AM

oldfort - I understand what you're saying, only I really feel like I want to start my own life. I don't want to be primarily someone's daughter anymore, but a woman who can support herself. I would not have kids yet - I'm not ready - but marriage means a lot to me. And yes, weddings do not need to be costly, but our cultural background basically requires an expensive celebration.

SimpleRules · 03-31-2009, 09:27 AM

Before giving up the PhD for a house, go see a banker and find out what you qualify for. The banks are finally (!) being cautious about lending and you might find you have to secure a job for at least a year before your income would contribute to the mortgage. Get ALL the facts, do a pro and con list and compare and discuss with your boyfriend - a good way to start a partnership. IMO you will regret giving up a PhD - it will be very hard to get later if you are 'stuck' with mortgages and the like....

Briseis · 03-31-2009, 09:32 AM

Can you get into a PhD program that not only pays your tuition and fees but also a "decent" stipend. (By the way, my advice to ANYONE looking at a PhD program in the humanities is to ONLY go to a program that offers tuition + decent stipend - it's foolish (in my opinion) to go into debt to get a degree in English or history or philosophy, etc. when the chances are very real you may never get a tenure-track faculty position and even if you do, they don't pay very well and you'll have a problem paying off your loans.)

If this were possible, I would not be facing this dilemma.

Yes, I have heard this same argument, which is why I'm being rather conservative (and I am, I'll admit it). I cannot get more than I listed in my first post anywhere, and getting that much would be hard enough, because these scholarships are competitive.

alh · 03-31-2009, 09:33 AM

My advice as a much older woman who, together with many friends, has lived what you are living: Please don’t get married for the sake of a wedding or a house. You can have a wedding party with all the trappings at any age. Absolutely don’t get married for the sake of a house! You can always buy a house and if you are serious about academics it will only be a hindrance. Don’t encumber yourself unnecessarily and use this time before you have responsibilities to do what you want. Youth is the time to be reckless. Youth is not such a bad time to be poor if it allows you freedom for study and travel. You should be able to have a serious relationship without limiting your life choices and opportunities. If that isn’t possible in this relationship, please ask yourself why it isn’t? Know what you want. Find a partner who supports and accommodates your goals.

Absolutely the only reason I would encourage someone as young as you to marry or commit to a serious relationship is if you are certain you want children and want to have them before 30. You haven’t brought that up so I doubt it is a priority for you but that *might* change my advice.

Good Luck!

Chedva · 03-31-2009, 09:35 AM

Quote:

A wedding costs money; and if we are going to move and I will not have an income for a few years, it would be wiser to use our savings for that rather than splash out on a wedding.

You're confusing a wedding with a marriage. And yes, I come from a culture that "requires" a big celebration. But you can break with "culture" for a while, and have a big celebration on your fifth anniversary. It's the commitment to the marriage that's important, not the wedding. If you want to be married, be married.

Quote:

only I really feel like I want to start my own life. I don't want to be primarily someone's daughter anymore, but a woman who can support herself.

So to "prove" your independence, you'll go from being primarily someone's daughter to being primarily someone's wife? Doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

It sounds like you don't want to get married right now. Get some counseling so you can figure out what it is that you really want.

midmo · 03-31-2009, 09:37 AM

Another one wondering about the either/or stance. H and I married at 22--in a courthouse--and then both got our PhDs, living on very little money, renting apartments, riding our bikes, dressing like students, etc. for a very long time. We enjoyed those years, a lot.

Briseis · 03-31-2009, 09:40 AM

Get some counseling so you can figure out what it is that you really want.

Sound advice, only I could not really afford counseling either. ;-)

Chedva · 03-31-2009, 09:42 AM

Your school has a health center and most likely a counseling center. Go there.

electronblue · 03-31-2009, 09:47 AM

Boyfriend wants you to help him buy a house. No way. What culture expects a lavish wedding celebration but has no expectation that the husband be able to provide for his wife? No one making minimum wage should be thinking about buying a house. Follow your dreams.

Briseis · 03-31-2009, 10:00 AM

He wants us to buy a house together. Just because a culture may expect the husband to take care of the wife does not mean that's right. I have no intention of being dependent on my husband and I'm sure most women would agree that any other arrangement (if it's long-term anyway) is rather old-fashioned and likely to cause drama before the end.

oldfort · 03-31-2009, 10:12 AM

Briseis - this sounds harsh, but I wouldn't marry a guy that's making minimum wage now. Wait. Let him get a real job first. I tell my girls to marry a guy after he is 30, at that point they will know how the guy will do in the future. They need to be comfortable with what the guy will be able to do financially (whatever that may be). They also need to make sure the guy will be able to hold down a job and be financially responsible. This is not to advocate only marrying rich guy or a guy that makes a lot of money, but for a guy that could at least be in a position to support the family jointly with my daughter.

You could be a single, independent woman, and not be viewed "primarily as someone's daughter." You don't need to jump from having your parents supporting you to have your husband supporting you.

alh · 03-31-2009, 10:27 AM

Oldfort: post 29

I pretty much agree with you! Except in the case of two young people in grad or professional school. Or in the case of a young woman who is clear she wants a very high stress, demanding hours type of career and children and prefers to look for a partner who is willing and interested in being primary caregiver and making her career a priority.