Advice needed: Happily Ever After or a PhD - Page 5

Chedva · 03-31-2009, 01:29 PM

Quote:

The buying a house is really a side issue. It's whether I should choose financial security (and I would have this if I would stay here, get a job and move away from the dump we are renting now) or whether I should pursue my very costly dream.

The problem I see is that, based on what you've said so far (and yes, you have the right not to go into detail), is that marrying your boyfriend will not translate into financial security. What makes you think that it will? Buying a house does not equal financial security, or haven't you been reading the papers lately? Your boyfriend is in a minimum wage job. Many of those are the first to go in a weak economy. What would you do if you dropped out of school now that would translate into financial security?

BTW, I have several graduate degrees and have been at my current job for many years. But in this current environment, no one, including me, has financial security.

pugmadkate · 03-31-2009, 01:30 PM

Chedva, I believe the OP means that she will have financial security because of the full-time job she would get. You are right that this current enviroment is a good reminder to us all how precarious our finances can become in a very short time.

Quote:

The difference is that they don’t really believe in gender roles and don’t consider homemaking to be lacking in ambition. They have great marriages. But their husbands never tried to limit their career aspirations...

I don't consider homemaking to be lacking in ambition either and I am all for smashing the vast majority of gender roles. As you said, the key is supporting each other, including not putting up barriers such as homeownership.

Northstarmom · 03-31-2009, 01:45 PM

"It's whether I should choose financial security (and I would have this if I would stay here, get a job and move away from the dump we are renting now) or whether I should pursue my very costly dream. "

Getting a job in this economy is not going to provide you with financial security. No one is secure in this economy. Getting a house could also be a big risk particularly since so many people are losing jobs and their homes.

I also am wondering about your boyfriend. There are people who will move to a different country and do all of the things that you have said your boyfriend is doing because they want citizenship. That's also why they push for marriage.

I do not know you or your boyfriend, so don't know if that's what's going on in your situation. However, it is something for you to consider.

I don't agree with the person who said that because your boyfriend followed you to the U.S., you need to make up your mind now about whether he's your life partner. From what you've posted, you don't seem to be at that point yet to make such a major decision. As I've mentioned, getting your doctorate seems to be what's important to you now, and if you do pursue that path, it is possible that what you want in a life partner may also change.

It's also possible that you may remain happy with your boyfriend. I have a friend with an Ivy doctorate and a law degree, who is happily married to a man who moved here from another (developed) country to be with her, and is working now on his associates degree. They've been together for about 7 years, and are very happy. She loves her career as a professor, and is very hard working, intellectual, intense, and he's very supportive of her efforts, including doing lots of the childcare and household maintenance. She got married, however, after she got her degrees, so had a developed sense of who she was and what kind of person would make her happy.

VeryHappy · 03-31-2009, 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Briseis

my boyfriend is quite a selfless person who has made many sacrifices for me in the past (moving to a different country, just for a start)

OP, I'm assuming you're American. Is your BF American too? Did your BF move to the US to be with you? Or did he follow you to another country to be with you?

(NSM, we're on the same page about his potentially pursuing citizenship . . . )

ellemenope · 03-31-2009, 01:55 PM

>>I also wonder about why he's proposing marriage to you now.<<

He could be ready to move on with the relationship. They have been living together for 3 years. If I were in a relationship of this duration, I'd be thinking--"Are we getting married or what? Because if marriage is not in the offing, I'm gone."

There are so many women who support their husbands through graduate school/med school/law school. You live in student housing, she has a minimum wage job, he has a small stipend/part time job, etc. Why can't our couple do this?

There are 2 nieces in our family who are the ambitious major bread winners of their families. We think it is "weird", but it works for them.

PS: This couple is no where financially ready to purchase a house. I think that this is just a side manifestation of the boyfriend being ready to move on to a more advanced relationship.

Northstarmom · 03-31-2009, 02:03 PM

"and should be mature, responsible and comfortable with myself"

Not true. Most people still have a lot of growing up to do at your age, and still have a lot to learn about themselves and the world. For most, 24 is young to get married, and that's why so many marriages don't last.

ellemenope · 03-31-2009, 02:05 PM

...still growing after all these years...

Briseis · 03-31-2009, 02:09 PM

Some prejudice here! No, he has not moved to be with me to obtain citizenship of any kind. He's perfectly happy being Scottish. If anything, I would marry him for the British passport, not the other way around.

alh · 03-31-2009, 02:10 PM

The plot thickens...

I am now assuming two international students living together with their parents' approval in a betrothal type situation and the young man has made some sacrifices the last few years to further her educational goals, in which case I do think she has a moral obligation to make up her mind so he can move on, if that is necessary. JMHO

edit: OP -not so sure about my speculation after your last post. As you are realizing, it is hard to advise without all the facts.

hmom5 · 03-31-2009, 02:32 PM

I too would worry about the difference in ambition. While you may see that as OK now, I wonder how you'll see it when you have kids and a mortgage.

That said, if you accept that he'll be the home maker then it's even more important for you to get a good education for your role as bread winner.

Miami, you asked what I meant earlier about doing what you have to do as individuals. DH and I lived in different states while I finished my grad degree. That worked fine with us and he was totally supportive. I'm picking up here that the OP's bf is not wanting to live the student life with her and wants her to stop in order to live a post school lifestyle. I saw a lot of this living in married student housing for awhile in grad school. The spouses were either on board or alienated about not being part of things. Many of these marriages did not last. So IMO, if you don't have a SO who's totally on board, you should be focused on your individual goals before marriage.

Briseis · 03-31-2009, 02:49 PM

Yes, it is unavoidable that people will make assumptions sometimes while I am not sharing all details. I do find it rather hurtful that some here should assume he is only with me because he is after some legal document, and that I first have to confirm he is a Western European before people would possibly reconsider. I can assure you that he has moved with me for love and has no ulterior motives. He would have had many more and better opportunities if he had stayed in Britain. Besides, I know him well and he's been my best friend for years.

ClassicRockerDad · 03-31-2009, 02:59 PM

This seems so simple to me. Tell me what I'm missing.

He loves you. He wants you to be happy. He's happy if you're happy. SO BE HAPPY! Go for the PhD. Take him with you. I see the happily ever after, and I just don't see a melodramatic moment here.

alh · 03-31-2009, 03:00 PM

^^interestingly, the fact he is Western European is the only thing that made me assume he might be with you for citizenship reasons - if you are American --which I was never assuming.

Is he going to have problems staying in the country if you don't marry? I know international couples where one spouse has whatever-kind-of-status is necessary to work in the US because of other spouse's student visa.

As an aside (because some of your comments have confused me) I believe full-funded English graduate programs are available to international students.

busyparent · 03-31-2009, 03:01 PM

I know a couple who both were/are pursuing PhDs with academia or museum work as the final objective. Sometimes they lived in the same town but sometimes they were apart even in different countries depending on where their research took them. When one finished and got an academic position they married and set up housekeeping in the new town. For awhile after the marriage one of them was based over seas finishing their thesis and will finally complete the degree soon. Hopefully they will find a job in the same location.

My reason for this story is the title of the thread "Happily ever after OR PhD". They figured out a way to have both. I doubt very much that they own a house but they did have a very nice wedding that grandma paid for.

Briseis · 03-31-2009, 03:05 PM

ClassicRockerDad - I'm not sure if you're the only dad, but you're definitely the coolest. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words.