Advice needed: Happily Ever After or a PhD

Briseis · 03-31-2009, 04:17 AM

My parents tell me to make up my own mind. They are probably right (I am 24 now, after all, and should be mature, responsible and comfortable with myself), but I would still love some opinions on this agonizing situation.

I'm currently doing a Masters at a highly ranked university. My grades are quite spectacular, I love what I'm doing and my profs seem to have faith in my academic abilities. Ever since I started as an undergrad, I have wanted to do a PhD in my subject (English Literature) and then work in higher education. I know I'm not alone in this: it's a dream career for the majority of my fellow students, and some of them have an academic record not unlike my own. It's competitive, and I am very aware of the fact that even if I do get a PhD position (which actually seems likely), there is absolutely no guarantee that I will be any nearer my goal afterwards.

Something else is going on in my life as well: my boyfriend recently proposed. He has been working full-time for a while now, and is eager to buy a place of our own. On his current salary, buying anything would be impossible (tis not an easy time for BAs in English), but if I would make a similar amount, we could afford a nice little house and get married. I want this wedding more than anything, but I'm just not really ready to settle for a less than perfect career.

However, graduate studies are expensive. In the best case scenario (due to all sorts of circumstances) I could get my tuition fees waivered and maybe an additional 2000,- per year to cover expenses. There is no more funding available to me and it is still nowhere near enough to pay for the course. If I would attempt a PhD, there will be no wedding or house, but a considerable loan and some poverty in the near future.

I do not know what to do: getting married and settling seems so easy, attractive, mature and realistic, but I will perhaps forever regret not taking this opportunity and study for my PhD. On the other hand, I'm quite terrified of the debt I may be in after graduation and also not entirely comfortable with the idea that my boyfriend will be paying for our living expenses and working an underpaid and unexciting job for the next so many years, just so that I can pursue a dream we once shared.

kitty56 · 03-31-2009, 06:10 AM

"I'm just not really ready to settle for a less than perfect career."

There are no guarantees this will happen whether you get your PhD or not, or whether you get married or not.

"getting married and settling seems so easy, attractive, mature and realistic"

Don't get married if you are not 100% totally committed to the marriage itself - not the idea that it is easy, attractive, mature and realistic.

My DH very much wanted to get his PhD and made it happen partially by working in a factory job with great benefits including total tuition reimbursement, but he was miserable at the job. He managed to get his BA and MA that way, but then they drew the line at the PhD. On his way to his BA, he met me. I knew his goals and was totally supportive. He left the factory job, tried a few others and was able to land a job in the library of the university where he could complete his PhD. No tuition break, but at least he was on campus and he was drawing a salary. I was still working full time and he was able to adjunct at different colleges. We were both savers, so we had enough to put a good down payment on a small house back when interest rates were 15 1/2%. We made this happen because we loved each other and we believed in each other's dreams. That's the only way it would have worked. He achieved his PhD and we are still very happily married 29 years later.

VeryHappy · 03-31-2009, 06:58 AM

This is not something that requires a decision by the end of the week. Or the end of the month, or even the end of the year. Things will happen that will help you make up your mind.

ClassicRockerDad · 03-31-2009, 07:11 AM

Hopefully life is long and someday the time that you were poor will seem trivial. Get married. Go for a PhD. Rent. If you're mobile, move somewhere cheap and get the PhD there. A former employee of mine went for his PhD at Rochester and it's so inexpensive to live there that he can support his wife and child on his stipend and is enjoying the experience so much that he is in no rush to graduate.

Keilexandra · 03-31-2009, 07:31 AM

^ A humanities Ph.D. is quite different from one in the sciences. Full tuition remission + 2k stipend would be VERY generous, and I don't know of any U.S. city where you can decently support even one person on 2k a year. Job prospects are also daunting.

But, OP, it sounds like this is your passion and you would truly regret giving up the opportunity--so don't!

mathmom · 03-31-2009, 07:48 AM

I'm a bit baffled. My brother married a woman getting a PhD. in Eng lit many years ago. They didn't buy a house right away and they lived on his salary. (She did get a stipend for TA'ing freshman English.) I have friends where they are BOTH English PhDs. They didn't seem to feel that it prevented getting married. I married a science PhD. and we didn't buy a house until we'd married until 5 years after the PhD. was awarded.

mhmm · 03-31-2009, 08:02 AM

Why not get married and NOT buy a house? Right now is perhaps not yet the time to buy. Why not rent an apartment or a house? What is your boyfriend doing with his Eng. BA? Is he also pursuing higher degrees or is he working? Is he trying to push the house scenario because he is fearful of your potentially higher educational status (and future earning potential)? I would say, get married if you are sure he's the one for you, but dont let go of your pursuit of education. Both should compromise.

Chedva · 03-31-2009, 08:18 AM

Is your boyfriend pushing for the house and for you to quit your studies? If he is, you may wish to rethink the entire thing - someone who really loves you would not ask you to give up your dreams. What else will he ask you to give up in the future? If you do this for him, and not because you really want to, you will come to resent him.

The problem is shown in the title to your thread: Happily Ever After or a PhD. It's not an either-or, and if you give up your dream of a PhD, "happily ever after" is not the likely result. It will only be "happily ever after" if both your needs in the relationship are met. That may mean putting off buying a house (why is that a necessary part for your boyfriend?).

Explore your options and your choices very carefully. Make sure you are doing things because you want to, and not because he wants you to. Then you will make the right choice.

MarathonMan88 · 03-31-2009, 08:19 AM

Quote:

If I would attempt a PhD, there will be no wedding.

Your two dreams don't seem incompatible if both you and your future husband are both wiling to live modestly for a few years. Is there more to your dilemma than you've shared so far?

Queen's Mom · 03-31-2009, 08:21 AM

I'm a little confused too. Why does a choice have to be made? I got married right out of college. I went to law school. I had a baby in my second year. I graduated....Maybe you just don't want to get married right now (nothing wrong with that) and looking for a good reason out?

owlice · 03-31-2009, 08:23 AM

Sounds like he's the one who wants the house. You'd have to give up getting a PhD so that he can get a house, since he can't afford one on his own.

Why is he working an "underpaid and unexciting job," and how is that the fault of your wanting or working on a PhD? I'm missing something here.

Treetopleaf · 03-31-2009, 08:24 AM

The RateYourStudents blog recently had a post titled "Gullible Gerty from Glendale Goes GRRRRRR!". Anyway, it sounds like your guy is worth a lot. Good luck!

Briseis · 03-31-2009, 08:33 AM

Thanks for all replies so far. I really appreciate your kind input.

Just to make things more clear: my boyfriend is not trying to push me in any direction. He's just being realistic. A wedding costs money; and if we are going to move and I will not have an income for a few years, it would be wiser to use our savings for that rather than splash out on a wedding.

I do realise it's not really an either / or situation. However, with the financial crisis hitting hard, I do worry more about my intended plans for the future. My boyfriend is currently employed at minimum wage basically, and it's not related to his degree at all, but it is a job, and if we move away somewhere, it might be difficult for him to find something new (he worries about this especially).

ClassicRockerDad · 03-31-2009, 08:57 AM

I don't know the whole picture, but it seems to me like you both are being way too conservative and risk adverse. There is a risk of taking no risks. I know the economy is lousy, but I don't believe it would be that hard for someone with a college education to find a minimum wage job, or a commission based sales job, or a job in a store or a bank or a civil service job or a management trainee, or something where he could learn something that would eventually give him enough responsibility to raise his income. There are places where two people can live on that, and places where you can't.

When I was in grad school and they passed the 1986 tax law in August taxing graduate stipends, the money was already allocated and all of a sudden taxed. Married graduate students qualified for food stamps. I qualified for fuel-assistance. It was a one-year anomaly - they raised stipends the following year, but you do what you have to do, and you will pay it all back in taxes throughout your life.

Forget a house; it's an anchor for you right now. My in-laws got married outside in the woods where two rivers join. It was beautiful! The biggest expense was the bug spray.

QuantMech · 03-31-2009, 09:00 AM

For what it's worth, my spouse and I and a lot of our friends lived in apartments for the first few years that we were Assistant Professors (to say nothing of grad school and post-docs), and we're all scientists. We didn't even own a car until a few months into our Assistant Professorships. . . . and you can imagine the kind of deal we got, when we arrived at a car lot in a taxi!