Really angry at son - need some perspective - Page 2

Youdon'tsay · 05-14-2009, 10:31 PM

And M's Mom.

There is a great phrase on here: Love the kid on the couch.

magicsmom · 05-14-2009, 10:41 PM

I picked up an interesting book just a few days ago. It is called: "The Motivation Breakthrough: 6 Secrets to Turning On the Tuned-Out Child." The author is Richard Lavoie, an expert on children with learning disabilities. I have read only part of this book so far, but I have a lot of respect for the author, and think that what he has to say can apply to children -- or teens or adults -- without learning disabilities as well.

The first "Motivation Myth" listed by the author has to do with someone saying: "Nothing motivates that kid . . . " He points out that all human behavior is motivated. So when we say: "This kid is not motivated", that is incorrect, because actually, he is not motivated to do that which we wish him to do.

In my opinion, it is important that older teens close to adulthood learn to discover their own motivations. Believe me, I am not saying that I have not had similar struggles with my own S. But, I would try to think about helping your son figure out what is important to him, and what motivates him (in a positive, encouraging way). I would not recommend punitive actions for his decision to not earn the extra credit. And in fact, I would consider saying something like: "Maybe I did step over the line by speaking to your teachers without letting you know that I was contacting them. I was trying to help, and I noticed that you have been working harder at school. But I realize that you're a junior now, and I should have consulted you before doing that."

I would also try to refocus on learning for learning's sake -- which hopefully is the ultimate goal, rather than just worrying about grades. Just one person's opinion!

poetgrl · 05-14-2009, 10:52 PM

How about this? It is perfectly fine to be frustrated and angry. It is a natural human emotion. But, anger is a feeling and not an action. So, it's not even about him and you certainly don't need to tell him. I recommend going for five mile run. Failing that, chunky monkey or cherry garcia.

researchmaven · 05-14-2009, 10:55 PM

You are micro-managing at this point. you shouldn't be involved with every single assignment grade your son receives. You've already gotten your general point across about him improving his grades and he has. I agree with geek_mom. Apologize to your son and congratulate him on his new improved grades. Tell him that based on his new efforts you trust him to decide when he must take on extra credit and to manage his own work. Step back and let him find his own motivation now and enjoy the rest of the time you have with your son at home.

mousegray · 05-15-2009, 01:32 AM

I have a son who is grown and out of the house but to this day he can push my buttons in exactly the same way. He was very much like your son in HS, and all my attempts to help him only ended up making him feel inadequate. It really doesn't matter whether your son has an A or B in English, but it DOES matter that he feels that you believe in him. Trying to control his behavior will always backfire.

Someone suggested taking deep breaths. It helps. Just take yourself out of the situation, try to separate your emotions from what is happening -- go for a run, whatever. Spare him your righteous anger, all it does is poison the atmosphere and deprive him of his own motivation.

hmom5 · 05-15-2009, 02:59 AM

Recently my oldest, now 24 and a grad student at MIT, asked us why we didn't push him harder in HS. He was devastated when he didn't get into the colleges of his choice. He found his motivation junior year of high school and by then it was too late so he was one of those kids with amazing test scores, science prizes and awards but a GPA that showed his lack of motivation the first 2 years.

When a kid says that doing less well than he can because he chooses not to expend the needed effort I'm going to embark on a serious conversation. He doesn't have to be great at any one thing but I'm really hoping my kid has a work ethic that makes him want to do his personal best in a scenario where someone has shown the faith in him to extend a second chance. I'm not sure what we'd be saying as parent's by in any way condoning not making the extra effort when a teacher has given him this chance if he puts in the effort. I would be inclined to tell my kid that along with getting his best possible grade I think the teacher deserves his effort for having the faith to give him the second chance.

What do you want to bet the teacher will think twice about doing this again?

vossron · 05-15-2009, 03:06 AM

hmom5, does this son now blame you for his lack of accomplishment?

mamom · 05-15-2009, 06:22 AM

This thread could be about my son, very high SAT scores, but mediocre grades. The kid who can but doesn't. He would never, ever do something for extra credit. Never. We are trying our best to sit back and let him find his way. It is extremely hard, especially when we see some of his friends who work their butt off for school. Wish I could offer some advice, but we are in the same boat.

oldfort · 05-15-2009, 06:40 AM

I am also not one of those that would back off either. I had my serious talk with my D2 in 9th grade, not 11th grade. I never want her to tell me why I didn't tell her what it would take for her to get into her college of choice.

Work ethic is key here. For me to keep my job I need to put out 110%. I don't have the luxury of saying, "hmm, I don't feel like doing it." At the same time, if my kid doesn't have the drive I would adjust what I would be willing to invest, and I would let him know.

I tend to lay out "if you want this, what would it take to get there" and "if you do/don't do this, what would happen". I have done it for drug, sex, grades, money, integrity... One thing they do often hear from me is "easy way out may make you happy in a short term, often in life you don't get a chance for a re-do, so always give it all, to have no regrets later. Above all, don't ever whine to me about only if I could have.."

07DAD · 05-15-2009, 06:48 AM

My local AA chapter looks like a reunion of my 1968 HS graduation class. All of us have a recollection of feeling that we didn't measure up to our parents' expectations. The description we use is "our A's weren't good enough."

compmom · 05-15-2009, 07:26 AM

We try to de-emphasize grades in our house, and remember that the purpose of grades is to evaluate skills and learning: they are not a goal unto themselves. As a parent, when report cards came home all those years, I did not look at them right away, and sometimes I did not look at them at all. Our kids never knew their class rank or GPA. Honest, it worked better because it kept motivation more authentic. They are doing really well and I'm happy about how it all turned out. (One of mine would never do an extra credit assignent: seh had better things to do; one of mine would do an extra credit assignment if it interested her, and my oldest would do anything anyone gave him to do, full speed ahead, quite happily.)

tk21769 · 05-15-2009, 07:40 AM

Sounds like a great kid to me. He probably is motivated more by by interests than incentives. So pay attention to helping him choose and pursue appropriate interests (if he needs any help at all), not to his unresponsiveness to incentives.

You cannot easily make him more "driven" in the way you apparently are. You two are wired differently. But you can draw on the benefits of experience to help him see options that may not have occurred to him. For example, you can help him turn a dull assignment into an interesting one by suggesting ways to re-frame the question.

DeirdreTours · 05-15-2009, 07:56 AM

I have advice to share, as I have a son who has had some of the same issues. But, I am struck by the common thread in the replies that we should accept our offspring as they are, rather than pushing them to do their very best every day....I wonder if this is a uniquely American (or at least Western view). I can't imagine any of the Asian parents I know giving similar advice......

oldfort · 05-15-2009, 07:57 AM

Often at work we don't always have boss that turn our assignment into something interesting. There is no point in trying to cuddle him. If he doesn't do the extra credit, he'll get an A-. If he is good with that, then he'll just have to live with it next year.

mamom · 05-15-2009, 08:05 AM

You know it is so hard to accept marginal behavior. I keep thinking that doing just enough to get buy will come back to haunt him in 10 years. Heck, in another 2 years when he can't get into the college of his choice. Is he mature enough to understand the consequences? Is it my job as a parent to ensure he works to his potential? My husband and I keep trying to come up with the right answer, but there is no black and white. So for now we try to keep our unmotivated S headed in the right direction but it is frustrating.