Difficult Decision: Withdrawing Child From School

[BfloGal]

Just wondering, OP-- have you had your DD tested for ADHD? (sorry if I missed this in skimming the posts)

I can see my S heading in a similar direction. He's a HS sophomore now. In elem & middle school his grades were great. He started tanking in 9th grade, so we had him tested THREE times over the course of about 6 months, by 3 different people, for ADHD. Didn't have it. So we then had him thoroughly tested by a neuropsychologist for learning disorders, and by an independent audiologist for central auditory processing disorder. Fast forward: no auditory processing problem; the psych is changing her diagnosis based on that to ADHD-Inattentive. He's very disorganized, somewhat unmotivated, and underperforming in relation to his abilities. We are looking into treatment for him.

I can see him going off to college and getting completely swept up into the social scene, skipping classes, not studying, etc. Maybe a gap year would be good for him too.

[TwistedxKiss]

If you have any doubts I suggest seriously considering the gap year when the time comes, or at least maybe a CC for a year so they can stay in a less distracting environment and still have some supervision. I went to CC first for financial reasons but the maturity I gained before going to a university was really, really important and probably saved me mentally, I don't think I could have handled this when I was 18. My parents are likely going to have my sister do the same or take a gap year because we know she just isn't mature enough or mentally prepared enough to handle being on her own, unless she does some major maturing in the next year. If you have strong suspicions he isn't ready then he probably isn't, and it's better to spend some time preparing then to spend some time away at a college moving backwards. Once you screw up it can be really hard to repair the damage.

[momma-three]

I am back and once again I hope you can offer some feedback. I will attempt to only provide the facts (even though this is difficult for me). As you know our daughter attended a private university last year and we would not permit her to return as the result of her less than acceptable grades. As I said earlier, her school requires a GPA of 3.0 in three areas...total GPA, major GPA, and core GPA. Our daughters total GPA is a 2.86 with a major GPA of 3.66 and a core GPA of 1.83. To stay in her major at her former school she would need to bring up the GPA in the two areas. She would be a current second year student. She is currently enrolled in CC and if she returned to her university she could transfer every credit she took in the summer and the current fall semester so she would be returning to basically take the classes that she would have remaining to get her GPA up and remain in her major for the following semester. I am not absolutely sure but I think she may need another semester at her private school in order to successfully enter the major, keep in mind that she already has taken a few courses in this major but is not considered until she passes through the portal (all requirements compleated).
As for remaining at the CC--she would need an additional 3 semesters to complete an associates degree because they did not take many of her credits from her former school (either because they were in her major or they did not have similar classes or because they do not fit in the catogories for the associates degree.) She would need to fulfill the foreign language requirement of 4 semesters of language (can take one in the winter,one next semester, one in the summer and the last one in the spring). If she returned to her former school she would have 2cd year 2cd semester standing but not necessarily on track to graduate on time or even a garantee for admission into her major.

Once again we are at the time when we must decide what is in our daughters best interest. She is under a doctors care and is on medication for depression and anxiety and we are seeing the change in her attitude and general well being....thank G-D. However there are very few of her peers in our town (all away at college) and the remaining kids are not the kids she would have ever hung around with as a highschool student. Therefore her social life is rather bleak. There is one friend that is away and comes back home usually every other week and takes her out (not romantic). She is working about 15 to 19 hours a week and is taking 12 credits at the CC. She needed to drop a 3 credit class early on because the work load was more than she could handle at the beginning of the semester. Here is what I am seeing: daughter has turned the corner emotionally and the sun is starting to shine again but husband and I are concerned that if she returns to her former school where she has made some "enemies" she may be back to where she started. I could be wrong and she may be able to handle things better now that her depression/anxiety are being treated but we do not know if she is strong enough. It has only been the last couple of weeks that we see the change. I also don't know if she is putting on a big show so that we will send her back. It is difficult to have a positive outlook as to the future because the change in her has not been substantiated. The other realization that we have come to is that our daughter is not a super achiever and she has short term memory problems as well as some type of undisclosed learning disability. She can handle 12 credits but it is equivalent to another student taking 18 credits. She is not a student who loves learning however she loves the idea of being college educated. I know that sounds rediculus but it is the best way of describing her. She does not want to go through life as the woman without a college degree....she has said this clearly. Our other observation since she has been home is that she has difficulty navigating things such as e-mails to professors, office hours,making doctor appointments, and other things necessary to be on ones own in a college environment. She gets easily distracted by her phone and it still does not leave her side, even if she has an exam the next day. I feel like we are seeing progress but is it enough to send her back...that I don't know. I also don't know if she is unlike the majority of the students that are out there. We have the good fortune of having three other very high achievers and I just dont know if we have lost persceptive on what may be normal. I would also include that we have never had an ounce of trouble with our other three, regarding anything academic, social or moral. We recognize that it must have been difficult having three brothers who have been very successful in their academic careers when she has not experienced the same level of accomplishment, but all we wanted for her was to go to school and do her best. To refresh your memory, she partied alot last year from Thursday night through Saturday morning and slept away most of Sunday. As you could tell I am feeling very ambivolent about this situation. I don't know if another year at home is going to give her the skills she needs to succeed away at college or am I just fooling myself into thinking that I can still make a difference in her life and the decisions she makes. (remember we have learned of some behaviors that go compeatly against our values)
You have provided some wonderful insight before and your suggestions were extremely valuble. What is your feeling about this situation right now? Is it too soon to send her back or are we making a mistake by keeping her at home. By keeping her at home we are protecting her from failure but should we being that?

[blossom]

Hugs to you. What great progress in a short period of time.

What does the therapist say about returning to school?

It sounds to me like another semester at home is a great option for all of you. She's taking an academic load that she can handle; she's got enough structure around her week to get her up in the mornings, seeing her doctor and taking her meds, etc.

Why the rush to send her back?

[Northstarmom]

I agree with blossom.

[momma-three]

Thankyou blossom----she feels like we are prolonging her eventual return, and we are actually hoping that if she stays home than maybe she will see for herself that transferring to a state local college maybe the way she can actually achieve her goal. I think she may always be at risk of not graduating college if she goes away.

[momofthreeboys]

I agree with waiting one more semester. It gives you even longer to help her one on one without the distance factor. Returning in the fall gives her an opportunity to start fresh and bond with the incoming group of kids (if she returns to her original school). If she does well at the CC you will have leverage with the previous school if she returns and/or enhance her GPA which is not horrible but would give more options at a different school if abit higher. She may not complete college or she might, none of us know that with certainty when we send our kids away, but the year off gives her the Gap year (you suspected she needed originally) and gives her a year to grow up abit more.

[Northstarmom]

It also will be important to see what grades she gets at her CC and how well she can handle her academics while living at home and without your helping her structure her time, etc. Not sure how much you're helping her with her academics -- including making sure she attends class-- but before sending her back to college, make sure that she has demonstrated the ability to handle her academics and life in general without your support.

[blossom]

Going back to school means switching therapists, yes?

To me that's more of a hurdle than worrying about how many credits will transfer. If your D is on a regimen which is helping the depression, eliminating some of the self-destructive behaviors, and making progress on regaining her mental health, I'd try to find a kind and loving way to communicate to her that this is a more meaningful metric to you than her grades or her credits.

So what if it takes her an extra year to graduate from college, but she's a healthy and mature 23 year old when it does happen? If she's starting to recognize her own limitations (organizational, conceptual, executive functioning, however it is manifesting itself) but is determined to get a degree that's beyond fantastic- but supporting her may mean getting her to slow down before she revs up again.

Do her brothers have any insights???? And is there some sort of social network she can tap into (volunteer work? church group?) to replace the friends she's left behind at college?

I think this is fantastic news for her that you're all even able to talk about her going back. But I wouldn't be in a hurry to switch therapists now that there's progress.

[marite]

I see different issues here. Foremost is the psychological one. I agree with others that there should be no rush going back to school; she needs to continue her therapy and to acquire the maturity and self-discipline to succeed on her own away from home.
But I also see some academic issues. In her major, she had a 3.66 GPA. It was the core that dragged her total GPA down to less than 3. A 3.66 GPA is very respectable. Maybe she chose the wrong courses in the core, maybe the core requirements are not a good fit for her. It is something to consider as you and she weighs whether to return to her college or transfer to another one.

[owlice]

I'd worry about a student working 15-19 hours a week and trying to take a full load when she has difficulties with academics; I don't think dropping a course is at all surprising. (19 hours/week is half-time!) Perhaps she should not be working quite so much?

[momma-three]

Yes marite that is a good point regarding the core which includes alot of philosopy and theology. She really struggles with this type of subject matter. If would have been great had the school allowed her to take some of those classes while at home but they would not. She attends a Catholic university and they must take all of those credits at the university.
This is one of the reasons why husband and I feel she would be better off at a state U close to home without the philosophy or theology.

[momma-three]

By the way she does not like Rutgers (feels it is way too big) may not make it into TCNJ which leaves Ramapo, Monclair, Kean and I may be leaving others out. I don't think she would get into Ramapo because her major has very little room for transfers. She really likes the small school feel. She really enjoys being with people from the mid west. I have noticed that her two friends (the one that comes in to see her was originally from the mid west and the other kid that she likes from town is also a mid west transplant. The friends she had at school that she still communicates with are not from New Jersey and also are more small town type of kids. She cant seem to bond with Jersey kids-I dont know why.

Owlice- I was very concerned about the hours she was working as well but she was spending most of her free time partying at school and I think the job seems to ground her. If I thought she would spend those hours studying I would agree compleatly, it is not in her to do that. Remember what I said, she is not an academic.

[momma-three]

Blossom--yes if she went back to school it would mean she would probably not have a therapist. The school does not have a decent therapist and the town is not such a place where she could travel safely to get to one.

Regarding her brothers insight---one son feels she does not belong in college at all because she does not enjoy learning/studying but feels that it is important for her to complete it in anyway possible
son2---similar attitude as son one except that he feels we need to let het either sink or swim academically on her own. (he may not get the whole emotional end of it)
son3---send her back but realize she is probably not going to graduate
all three sons feel that she should start over at a state school (for the reasons of it being closer to home and not the big investment in terms of money)

Northstarmom-- I always value an opinion from you. Do you think I should compleatly let go of any help? She gets up on her own everyday, does her laundry, makes her breakfast,goes to school and work. I have given a tad bit of assistance with school but not much to speak of. I dont know what the grades will be but if she were to return to her old school the paperwork must be sent in two weeks before her grades will be posted.

[Hanna]

momma-three, do you think any of the special interest programs at Rutgers would be a match? Douglass College offers housing aimed specifically for female transfer students.