Difficult Decision: Withdrawing Child From School

[poetgrl]

You are getting really great advice here. I would add that I know you are probably very sad and disappointed about your daughter's inability to rise to the occaison at school, but that kids who love to be "in touch" and use the phone frequently do incredibly well in the business world. My brother, who was just the world's worst student, bar none, honestly, has always just been great with people and incredibly social. For years everyone despaired of his success. But, when he reached his mid-twenties, no degree, he pursued a sales position, ANY sales position, because my mother finally refused to pay his bills anymore, and now he runs a fortune 100 department and his staff would go to the ends of the earth for him. He is more financially successful than many of our friends who went to the Ivies and he is married to a fantastic woman and has kids, and back when he was 19? My mother despaired of his ever getting out of bed before noon. Just some perspective. It seems like you will do the right thing for you daughter, and even if it didn't work out the way you'd hoped, at least you won't spend the rest of your life wondering if you gave her all the chances you could have. As parents I think that's half of why we do what we do. Good luck to you and your daughter. She sounds great with people and will likely find her way into a field where her endless desire to stay connected is a huge asset.

[MagnoliaMom]

I think you're doing what you have to do as a good parent. It's not pleasant and I know it breaks your heart because you want her to be successful, but you're doing the right thing. Hang in there.

My D has known since she got a cell phone in HS that as long as I'm paying for it, I'll be monitoring the usage. If she wants to put it in her name and pay for it, then it's hers. On the text messaging count, though, keep in mind that the number of text messages normally includes text messages she's received as well as the ones she's sent. On our ATT account you can see which is which so that helps.

I too support making her pay for some of her own expenses for the next year. I think it will make her appreciate it all the more.

[Cardinal Fang]

I would not charge her rent the first semester, because working to afford rent and attending college full-time are difficult to do at the same time. I would *certainly* stop paying for her cellphone at once. I would tell her she had *one* chance, *one* semester, and if she didn't shape up, we would no longer pay for her college and her room and board.

Like ingerp, I'd suggest planning that she take a year, rather than a semester, at community college.

Her tantrums now show her lack of maturity. You ignored her tantrums when she was two, I hope, and you can ignore them now. You're doing the right thing.

[momma-three]

I appreciate the info about the cell phone option to prevent incoming or outgoing texts at certain times of the day. I just called Verizon and they have the option as well. When I first inquired they said they did not have anything like that and then I mentioned that AT+T had it and she put me on hold. The customer service rep came back on and told me she was'nt even aware of it but they have it as well. Thanks for that info I am sure we will be using this option as well.

[oldfort]

Our D1 is also a people person. She doesn't really like school work. We kept her very busy in HS, between ballet, family obligations, school work, she was often too tired to go out every weekend.

In college, she joined a sorority. I was afraid she was going to party a lot this year with her sorority. Again, she was too busy to do much partying - working 15 hours a week, ballet, and heavy course load for math/econ. We give D1 enough monthly allowance that she shouldn't have to work, but it's something we insisted on, 1) to build up her resume, 2) to keep out of trouble. I think working part time while in school will not prevent them from getting their school work done. It actually helps them be more focused and organized. We had an agreement with her to keep her GPA at a certain level. She also needs it to get interviews in finance.

AT&T also has an option where you could track your kid's cell phone - $10/mon. I haven't used it yet.

[Schmoomcgoo]

Sounds like momma-three has had a lot of heartache during this past school year. I hope next year is better.

I'm curious to know what the basis is for the OP's daughter giving her parents a hard time. What does she propose as an alternative?

[Modadunn]

Our oldest D did a similar thing. We had her move home and work and enroll in CC. We then offered her a reimbursement plan. For every B or above we paid 100% per credit. For every C she paid half and for anything below that she paid for it herself. She ended up owing us half of two classes and we paid for two. She then worked full time. Be careful about getting your child in debt because if she waitresses she can typically make some good money, albeit not exactly a career path when college COULD be an option.

So frustrating and disappointing. I am here only to say how sorry I am. I know the feeling and it isn't fun.

[MagnoliaMom]

I agree with oldfort. Same story. Very social D in sorority with me concerned about partying aspect freshman year. She also is too busy with part time student job and heavy course load. Having a part time job has made her more aware of what things cost and how long she has to work in comparison to the cost of something. I also think it definitely has helped her time management skills. When she does have free time, she often chooses sleep over going out.

This time in CC may also help her focus on what she wants to do in the future. Is her current major really something that she's interested in. I often told my D at that age to try to find her passion because going to work every day is a lot more fun if it's something you enjoy. Maybe her current major isn't something she feels passionate about and perhaps that's partly why she's not driven to do as well as she could? Just a thought.

[momma-three]

Our daughter has always worked in fact she juggled three jobs at one point. She is not social in the sense of having many friends. In fact she is somewhat shy. The partying is more a desire to be social and her role is rather laid back. However, she did alot of the laid back partying which in my opinion is even more immature than if she was so social. I think she wants to be who she is not-a social butterfly. The texts messages are innane (I've only seen a few) so I just don't get alot of this.

[sunnyflorida]

We have a family plan and split 1400 minutes between one college D one high school D and two parents. We do have unlimited nights and W/E's. We give our girls 500 minutes each of the paid minutes and if they go over they will be getting their own phone plan. Even with the unlimited other minutes, I can't imagine 4000 minutes a month. That is almost 17 hours on the phone A WEEK. That is alot of time. Your daughter is just wasting time. She needs to learn the importance of time, time management, and priorities for her time. Community college and a job, responsibilities and having to pay for her own phone, gas, entertainment expenses will go along way in teaching her priorities.

You are doing the RIGHT thing!!! She will learn, and will thank you one day.

[dplane]

She has already told you by her actions what her decision is about attending this college by not abiding by your rules. SHE has made the decision; you have not and never will. Simply tell her your part in the decision process is to enforce her will by no longer $ her. Doesn't this make perfect sense?

[purplegirl]

I just wanted to give my support. I am all in favor of "tough love". Parents work too hard these days to pay these hefty college tuitions for their children to see college as a paid place to party and have fun. I feel college is a "privledge" and a student should be grateful for the opportunity to obtain an education in a safe and nuturing environment so they can acquire the abilities to have a secure and rewarding life. My children are reminded that not every child has this opportunity. Cell phone and computer abuse is part of that "instant gratification" problem so many youths have fallen victim to. I think making your son or daughter work and paying for these things is the only way some will "get it". I work way too hard to just throw my money away on foolish behavior. Our children know, we will never "look the other way" and the "good life" will be taken away in a flash if it is abused, mishandled or taken for granted. The choice then becomes theirs. Your daughter may be upset with you, but remember, you are there to be their parent, not their friend. College is hard work and sacrifices have to be made to succeed. But the failures can be just as rewarding if the child can figure out how to learn from their mistakes, use their resources and overcome obstacles to turn it around. Mommy and Daddy won't always be there with the bandaids to fix everything! Good luck to your Daughter, she is lucky she has parents who have the guts to be tough and point her back in the right direction.

[bluebayou]

uhh, parents, you can always turn off the text feature....

[mominva]

Well, your decision is made, and I respect that.
But if there is a strained relationship, I wonder what will happen to that relationship now.

When we had one who seemed about to self destruct, we opted not to be the bad guys to preserve the remaining civility. We did not need that child to fill our shared living space with hostility and resentment.
It was our decision to let the institution be the one to kick the child out the door. (We did have a prior agreement with all our children that, if they dropped out or did not continue to progress, they would owe us our cumulative investment).

The degree has been earned and our relationship is lovingly intact.

[Northstarmom]

"Well, your decision is made, and I respect that.
But if there is a strained relationship, I wonder what will happen to that relationship now.
"

There already was a strained relationship because the D was wasting the parents' money and was not adhering to the terms that the parents set when providing the help for college.

Too many parents are too interested in being buddies to their kids than being parents. The rules the OP set were reasonable, and it's reasonable for the OP to enforce those rules. Of course, the OP's D isn't going to be delighted to be held accountable. Yes, this may temporarily strain their relationship more, but by holding the D accountable, the OP has a better chance of helping the D develop into a responsible adult.

Older S didn't speak to us for a couple of years (!) after we held him responsible for his partying and other inappropriate behavior while in college and after he dropped out. Yes, it was painful for us to go through this. Even more painful, though, would have been enabling his behavior to continue to self destruct with our help.

While S never returned to college (He's a very smart person who always hated school, and says he sees no reason for college), once he was forced to support himself, he got a low level temp job in business, and through hard work eventually got promoted to a lower level supervisory position that he takes a lot of pride in. He also is back in touch with us, and has admitted -- without prompting -- that our behavior toward him was what loving parents do when they want the best for their kids.

Providing financial support for offspring is something that parents can decide to do -- and they can select the terms of that support. Getting such support is a privilege, not a right. I personally wouldn't provide financial support to a kid who was -- due to partying -- barely managing to stay in college. I'd want my kid to take advantage of the academic aspects of college, too. To me, a college education is about more than just obtaining a degree that's a ticket to a wider job market.