Difficult Decision: Withdrawing Child From School

[mantori.suzuki]

Just to clarify my previous post, I'm speaking as someone who has struggled with attention problems as well. I'm quite sympathetic and wouldn't want to come across any other way.

[Pea]

mantori.suzuki: I don't mean to speak for momma-three but I thought you came across fine. I too am seeing red flags and I'm not sure why. Someone feel free to correct me if I am off base but to have two kids who got into the Ivy leagues and then one who is having so much trouble doesn't seem consistent. Maybe it is just that different kids are different, I don't know.

[thumper1]

When the texting got extensive here...we had the option disabled.

[Northstarmom]

"Someone feel free to correct me if I am off base but to have two kids who got into the Ivy leagues and then one who is having so much trouble doesn't seem consistent. "

Kids can be very different. I got into an Ivy league school and have a doctorate. My brother barely made it through high school.

[lilmom]

OP, your situation is proof that kids need parenting even in college! I feel you're handling it well - its not always pleasant. I have two very different children - one who may be like your D. I've learned much from this thread - thank you everyone. Verizon is getting a call re: text blocking tomorrow!

[compmom]

Unfortunately, texting is the way kids keep in touch these days, and getting rid of it will bring social isolation.

I am saying this even though my 17 year-old only got a cell phone 6 months ago. And our family of 5 shares 500 minutes/month. So my kids are not spoiled or anything.

However, we recently started paying $30/month for unlimited texting. Much of the texting came from new friends at college, who had not been brought up with any limits financially. It was awikward to tell them to stop (although I often tell my friends not to talk to me on my cell) so we reduced the phone service and added the $30 unlimited texting.

That said, my kids have been very conscious of cost, never go over their allotted minutes/month, and are good about not calling anyone until after 9, when it is free. We mostly use the phones to keep in touch with each other but the texting is how they keep in touch with friends.

For a kid moving home, I would think texting would be an important part of settling in at the CC. She could pay for it herself ($30) as a compromise.

It's much better for her to learn to limit her phone use herself at this age, than for a parent to do it. Conversation about it, offering time management ideas if needed, and so on, would be appropriate but not parental control. And, of course, the daughter can handle any extra cost on a family plan, or she can get a phone-to-go to pay for herself, which would naturally reduce usage. But that is different from a parent actually dictating usage.

[momma-three]

The focus needs to be on the behavior which includes the abusive use of the cell phone,however the cell phone if removed may lead to abusive use of IMing, FB or other types of non human contact. I understand the point of the cell phone but if a parent tries to control it at this age(almost 19) than the child will certainly figure out another means to continue with the behavior. The problem is that my daughter is not doing what she was expected to do when she went off to college.

Just this morning my daughter woke up at the very time she should have left for class. I was biting my fingers until I finally woke her up. I was going to let her sleep right through but I did'nt. We will have a talk about that later. Son informed me that she was on the phone until close to midnight (disturbing his sleep). Is the phone the problem? NO the behavior is the problem. If she was serious about school and getting a good night sleep she would not have been on the phone. I can not blame the cell phone for her lack of control. Millions of kids this age have cell phones but they use it for communication not a crutch or a welcomed distraction.

[Northstarmom]

"Just this morning my daughter woke up at the very time she should have left for class. I was biting my fingers until I finally woke her up. I was going to let her sleep right through but I did'nt. "

I stopped doing that with younger S when he was a senior in high school. He almost didn't graduate because of being late to his first period class and because of assignments he had procrastinated on. Other seniors were having fun the week before graduation: He was working night and day finishing assignments and extra credits.

During his gap year, S lived at home (his choice. He figured out it was cheaper than renting an apartment), paying rent while he volunteered for Americorps. I treated him like an indepenent adult. By the time he went to college -- first year on his dime due to his senioritis grades -- he had figured out how to get up in the morning and have a class schedule that he could handle. He did fine despite having a partying roommate who'd sometimes have sex with girls in the middle of the night while S was trying to sleep.

Momma-three, your D is an adult and is old enough and smart enough to figure out how to accomplish things that she really wants to do. If college is a priority for her, she'll figure out how to get to class on time. If not, she's not ready for college and would be better off being responsible for herself in the work world. It may be that despite being smart enough for college, it will never be a place that she's willing to do the work to succeed in. She may decide on a vocational path, for instance. It may be that after experiencing the real world, she decides to go to college for the right reasons, and is motivated to take that responsibility seriously.

It's her life, and her decision. By doing things like waking her up, you're keeping her from feeling the consequences of her actions and then making decisions about college that match the best fit for her.

[Consolation]

Ground rules should include not keeping other family members awake late at night. If she can't get up in time for class, let her miss it and experience the consequences. Doesn't she have an alarm clock? If not, I'd get her one TODAY and tell her that although you woke her up this morning, from now on it is her responsibility to get herself up in time for class.

If she can't get to class and can't get sufficiently good grades, then she won't go back to her college in the fall. It's that simple.

[Northstarmom]

I wouldn't get her an alarm clock. If she wants to get up for class, she should have the good sense to buy an alarm clock for herself.

[oldfort]

There is a build in alarm clock on her cell phone.

[annikasorrensen]

She doesn't want to go to her class. Her behavior clearly shows this. The daughter doesn't care. She has all the intelligence she needs to figure out how to set or acquire an alarm clock. She simply chooses not to wake up.

I remember a time when my teenage daughter "forgot" all sorts of important due dates for papers, library books, and other school related functions. Yet, she NEVER forgot a friend's party no matter how obscure the time and place. Thus, I knew the probably wasn't inability to be responsible to outside activities--it was just that schoolwork and school activities were bottom tier in her life.

Your daughter simply doesn't care. If pressed, she'd probably come up with many excuses to divert away from this truth (it's too hard, I'm too busy, I'm confused about life) -- but the reality is if she truly put college as #1 in her life, she could do it. She just doesn't care.

She's just not that into college.

Annika

[Cardinal Fang]

Is the phone the problem? NO the behavior is the problem. If she was serious about school and getting a good night sleep she would not have been on the phone. I can not blame the cell phone for her lack of control. Millions of kids this age have cell phones but they use it for communication not a crutch or a welcomed distraction.

That doesn't follow. Millions of people drink alcohol responsibly, but for some people, alcohol is the problem. They can't drink responsibly because every time they have a drink they disappear into the bottle. Similarly plenty of students play video games from time to time, but for some students, once they sit down at a screen they'll be glued there for sixteen hours, ignoring homework, classes and friends.

It may be that your daughter has a similar lack of control for her phoning and texting. Even though other students can phone and text responsibly, limiting their calling and texting, maybe she just can't. Maybe cold turkey is the only way for her.

Just a suggestion.

[sunnyflorida]

Annika hit the nail on the head. And you can't make her care. You have to wait until the motivation comes from within.

[poetgrl]

What Annika said.