Difficult Decision: Withdrawing Child From School

momma-three · 06-10-2009, 09:29 AM

Our daughter arrived home after her first year in college with grades that just would not cut it for her major. She is not on academic probation but because of her major she MUST have a 3.0 in the core GPA, major GPA, and total GPA. After the first semester when our daughter fell short just slightly below in one area we informed her that if she did not bring the GPA up to standards we would not continue to support her at this school. She then took one class during the winter session and did C work which brought the GPA down even lower. We are well aware of her partying and her distractability issues and she is aware of our financial situation having several children in college simultaneouly. We have discussed the options which include getting a job and seeing what the world is like when a degree is not in your hand or enrolling in the local CC for a semester so she can earn core requirement classes that will transfer back to the college that she was attending.

The problem is that I did not think she was ready to go away to college to begin with. She is not mature enough to realize what the cost of this degree at her school is and the commitment necessary to earn this degree. I have reviewed her phone bill and I am horrified to see that in any given month she has 7000 or so texts and anywhere between 3000 and 4000 minutes of calls. She is much more interested in being on facebook and the phone is an appendage in her hip pocket. It was my husbands idea to have her continue this past semester even after learning that she was partying every night for six weeks while taking one class. I am so sorry that she could not see the reality of the situation and she has received a letter from the college stating that she needs to repeat one class and is below the requirements in all three areas. She has discussed with the school the plan to enroll in CC which will allow her to reduce her credit load upon returning but then I say to myself that she will only have more time to party. I write this post to those parents who have the gut feeling that your child is just not ready for the responsibilities of college level work. You may want to reconsider if a gap year would be in your childs best interest. I wish our dd would have considered it. Before many of you say we should send her back please keep in mind that the partying was consistent two to three nights every week and the test grades were all poor. She did well on other forms of assessments which helped with her grades.

DougBetsy · 06-10-2009, 09:35 AM

I'm confused. Is she going back? Or not?

I can see both sides of the situation and support your decision as parents, whatever that may be.

nngmm · 06-10-2009, 09:43 AM

I think that in your case you are absolutely right in sticking to your plan, as you've told her in advance what the consequences of her under-preforming would be.

7000 text messages a month is messaging every 4 minutes for 16hrs a day every day! How did she find enough time to spend another 3000 minutes for talking or time to party (let alone time to study!)?? I would restrict the phone use, or make her pay for it (which hopefully will have the same effect).

momma-three · 06-10-2009, 09:47 AM

No, she is withdrawing from the college she was attending and is enrolling in the CC. If she decides to buckle down and get to work she will be able to return to her original college. The stipulation is that we need to see the growth and maturity as well as the grades in order to return. Our daughter is so upset and is already giving us a hard time. I think I can deal with the hard time now rather than deal with it later. It has been a very difficult year with many things that did not make sense.

momma-three · 06-10-2009, 09:49 AM

I can't even imagine and I did the same math. I could not believe it was even possible. Many of the texts occured during the times she was in class so how much listening was going on.

Northstarmom · 06-10-2009, 09:51 AM

Stick to your plan. I agree with you that it's better to deal now with the issues than to give in and have her continue to be irresponsible.

I also think that she'll have more incentive to do well if she has to pay for the CC. If she doesn't want to do that, then she needs to move out or live at home with a job and paying rent.

Saying this as a mom whose older S flunked out of college due to too much partying. Younger S has done well in college. We'd warned him that if his grades were horrible due to senioritis, we wouldn't pay for college until he proved himself by good performance of one year of fulltime college on his dime. He got major senioritis, took a gap year with Americorps, then went to college for one year on his own dime (We cosigned for for his loans, and he worked a job and used his Americorps savings to help pay). He did well, so we gave financial help for other years. He's now a rising senior with an excellent gpa.

Consolation · 06-10-2009, 09:54 AM

The first step that I would take is to immediately cease to supply her with cell phone service on your family plan. Let her pay for it herself if she finds it necessary to have a cell. I would do this no matter what.

If she is going to stay home and take courses at the CC I would also consider charging her a modest rent. Normally this is something I abhor, but it sounds as if she needs a reality check. This would make her choices clear: she can stay in college and take it seriously as her full-time "job," or she can choose to goof off and support herself.

I would not say this if she were trying reasonably hard and still not making the grades needed, but the level of partying is clearly the issue here: not ability.

I also think that if she is living at home and paying rent you need to establish ground rules in advance about cleaning, laundry, hours, guests, and so forth. I wouldn't treat her like a HS kid, but I wouldn't let her run roughshod over the family and treat you like a maid service either.

BTW, *I* would have benefited HUGELY from a gap year, had the concept existed then. I'm not saying she's a bad kid, but I agree with you that she needs to mature. I certainly did. My college experience would have been a LOT better if I had taken a gap year.

4gsmom · 06-10-2009, 10:02 AM

Good for you. It's a tough decision, but she has to learn that if she wants to party, it's not going to be on your dime.

She just needs to grow up a little and hopefully the time at CC will give her that opportunity.

oldfort · 06-10-2009, 10:08 AM

FYI - For a week this past year, I did utilize AT&T's option to limit my daughter's phone usage between 12-8am because I didn't think she was getting enough sleep. Her phone was not usable between that time except from a few numbers - mine. I made my point with her. She understood if I saw any more calls or texting in the middle of the night I would turn it off again.

Many parents on CC have suggested to have a contract with their kids before they go off to school. But it appears you have given your daughter a few chances already, not sure even if you have a contract now, she is matured enough to uphold it. Maybe a year at home going to a CC, and if she gets her GPA to X then you'll allow her to go back to her school. No point in throwing good money away.

momma-three · 06-10-2009, 10:10 AM

There were many late nights I spent working that I knew she was partying. It breaks my heart because we gave her the best we could and we are or modest means. We just want to see her grow up and be responsible and grateful for the opportunities that she has been provided with.

Northstarmom · 06-10-2009, 10:13 AM

"I also think that if she is living at home and paying rent you need to establish ground rules in advance about cleaning, laundry, hours, guests, and so forth. I wouldn't treat her like a HS kid, but I wouldn't let her run roughshod over the family and treat you like a maid service either."

Yes, this is what I did when S was living at home during his gap year. He paid rent, paid for gas in the car he was using, did chores, and was expected -- out of courtesy -- to let me know where he was going and about when he'd be back. If he was delayed coming back, he was expected to call and let me know. He was expected to follow the house rules (i.e. no underage drinking).

These are basic policies that I'd have with any long term adult guest. I didn't set a curfew for him, but treated him as an adult.

I do think that you need to have her pay for her community college. No reason for you to throw good money after bad. If she's not willing to pay, then she's probably not serious about college and needs to get a job and support herself. Unfortunately, some young people mistake college for playtime. Being in the real world can help them either find themselves in a job (Not everyone --including not every very smart person -- is a good fit for college) or decide to return to college and take it seriously.

ingerp · 06-10-2009, 10:17 AM

I'm sorry you are going through this but your thought process seems sound and your decisions wise. The only fine tuning I might add if this were my child is that if she chooses CC, I'd assume it's going to be a full year rather than a semester. Maybe it won't be necessary, but I think a lot more growing up can happen in that time frame and I wouldn't let her assume that she'll be back at her original college in a few months. Seems like it's just not enough time for her to break some of the old patterns. I also would not push getting a job/paying rent if she's attending school full-time.

I'm sure she'll be stamping her feet for quite a while. However, her getting over that and proceeding with the plan will be a good indication of growing maturity on her part.

PRJ · 06-10-2009, 10:19 AM

momma-three - Thank you for posting this cautionary tale. I plan to share it with my H and my D who will start college in the fall.

Northstarmom · 06-10-2009, 10:20 AM

"I also would not push getting a job/paying rent if she's attending school full-time."

I think it's reasonable to expect her to have a job while in school. Many students do this to help pay for their expenses. It also can help them focus their time and appreciate more the opportunity they have in going to college.

Nrdsb4 · 06-10-2009, 10:21 AM

Oldfort, I didn't even know that option existed. We also have A T & T, so this is very interesting to me. Our 15 y/o had a month where she had 6,000 texts. We took her cell phone from her for a while, but I'm now considering having her texting privileges suspended once school resumes.

Thanks for mentioning that option. We haven't had the issue with late night phone use, but who knows what the future will bring, and this is a great card to have in our hand.