Planned to spend equally on each kid, but first took a large scholarship...

[dntw8up]

Even the best intended parents sometimes convey (however subtle it may be) "you're the slug and he's the genius. So we don't think it matters how much we spend on you".

I'm guessing the "you" not being spent on this example is "the slug", but I've seen instances where the opposite happens. I know parents with several kids, one of whom is an academic superstar, and the parents feel the academically stronger child should work relatively long hours while at a highly competitive school so that limited parental funds can be spent on the academically weaker siblings who could not manage such a brutal school and work schedule.

[blossom]

dnt- It goes both ways and I didn't mean to suggest otherwise. My example was just intended to point out that parents who keep insisting that their kids have absolutely no issues with how the parents have chosen to divide the resources.... are projecting a little, in my experience. I know adults who still have a lot of anger over this- I don't think their parents were bad people or insensitive, but the message sometimes leaks out in the wrong way.

I'm not suggesting anyone change their MO. Just be aware that the kid who is always so good natured about the sibling who gets the lion's share isn't always so good natured. And watching in my cousins family the dynamic among adults who still resent that sibling number one spent junior year abroad sketching cathedrals while they worked two jobs since the college fund was depleted by the time their turn came... well it isn't pretty. Nobody can predict the future (and past performance is no guarantee of future results as the brokerage firms tell us) but be careful how you spin the message. And be especially careful if your choices feed into some long standing pattern within your family, i.e. the kid who claims he's going to med school gets the care and feeding (after all, he's going to be a DOCTOR!) while the kids with fewer or less socially acceptable aspirations get short shrift throughout their education.

If I could afford to pay for med school and wanted to (disclaimer- I am not paying for my kids grad school... that's on them) it seems that I should also be able to pay for law school or b-school or whatnot for the rest of my brood. Not fair to start picking and choosing what you'll pay for on the basis of how prestigious you feel the outcome is going to be.

[anothermom2]

Although in an ideal world, the kids would be grateful for the gift of education that parents provide, and each kid would help the other, I don't think it is an ideal world. I think some parents plan poorly, giving kid1 what they can, and then running out of money for kid2. Kid 2 is not going to be happy unless he/she can come up with some really good grants somewhere. I think this is more in the case of people who get some fin aid, but not those in the group that the college pays for everything. Coming up with the EFC can be a real challenge, especially when the parents say they won't mortgage the house, sign for a loan etc. I think resentments can last the rest of a lifetime over these kind of things. I would say it is very important not to let a child feel that another child or children got the limited financial resources, and there was no more to go around. This is not really what most of the people above have described, but it does happen and can cause problems.

[ilovetoquilt22]

For us, we try to be "equal" when it comes to the untangibles- our time, our attention, effots, love. When it came to dollars for school, each did what they could themselves. One D got a scholarship that paid for her highschool. She didn't get extra $$, but as a family, we did things together.

I do have some inlaws and I do have to admit, there is a bit of resentment between the older girls and the younger sister. When they went to school they paid it basically themselves. By the time thrid d was going to college, family was a bit more flush, and were able to cover tuition, so she has no loans. Now, 4th child is having to cover alot more on his own. So child #3, while no one is overt in their resentment, it pops up once in awhile.

"Oh she can do that cruise cause she doesn't have any college loans like the rest of us".

It was all in the timing, but I think the parents should have pushed 3rd daughter to take out a few small loans as well, its what they expected of the other girls.

The adult kids are mad at their parents, just feel they spoiled child 3 and they probablly did.

[mythmom]

My kids would gladly give up their money to help the other, if it came to that. We consider ourselves a team; we rise and fall together.

Soozie: Congratulations on your daughter's unexpected fellowship. That is wonderful news.

[Pizzagirl]

I have twins and I agree completely with soozievt in post 12. My twins have equal opportunities. It so happens we've spent more on son to date because he has chosen to go to relatively expensive summer programs while d has chosen to work and volunteer. OTOH we've spent more on D's sport since S isn't into any competitive sport. That's life. If one goes to a low cost state u and the other goes to a private u, so be it. They don't get to pocket the difference as it's not a contest. If one goes to grad school and the other doesn't, so be it.

I went to an expensive private u. My sister went to an out of state public u. We were treated equally because we got our college educations paid for. Any money my parents "saved" on my sister -- well, more for their vacations or retirement!

[barrons]

Maybe that's why I got the nice car for my college graduation present (paid my own way) and my sister who went to an expensive private art college paid mostly by my parents got nothing much. Now it makes more sense. Never really thought of it that way before.

[europegrad]

I think a mixed system would be fair, family financial situation allowing it:

- kids should choose where they want to attend, but should be required to come with a good case to justify more expensive options of same 'level' (e.g., attending OOS of same standards as own flagship S.U.)

- parents would met EFC as defined by FA package of each kid's college. If they are paying more for the sake of lowering the financial burden of loans, they should do in an equal base.

- allowance for clothes, car and pocket money should be the same

- kids would be allowed to split merit aid, awards and prizes they collect after enrolling: part would offset loan burden (if any) or parents contribution, part would be extra money they could save or spend at will.

[Pizzagirl]

I see no reason that I need to keep my d's clothing allowance the same as my s's. I'll make sure they are both outfitted for the upcoming school year. That coats more for d but s doesn't care in the least.

[Pizzagirl]

I still don't see what's "unfair" if both kids get to go where they want / can get in, and it so happens that one sibling's cost more. Both kids got their education paid for and got their first choice.

[mythmom]

Pizzagirl: As I say above, I totally agree with you.

How about this: S and D had very similar vitaes. Both got into very competitive colleges that are generous with FA and meet full need. D ended up with $15K in debt; S's college is loan free. Therefore, he'll end up with no loans.

Is this D's fault? No. First, loan free FA was introduced in her senior year in college (not hers) and would not have benefitted her all that much. And at many LAC's girls from LI are not admitted as easily as boys. So it was through no virtue that S is $15K ahead.

We are going to pay D's loan and if we couldn't, we would distribute the loan between them. If S didn't agree, we would have asked him to take his own loan and used that money to help out D.

However, that won't be necessary.

But my kids would think this was fine.

[soozievt]

Pizzagirl, I think the clothing thing for your kids may differ because you have a boy and a girl and let's face it, girls tend to get more clothes than boys and need various types of clothing than males need. But I have two daughters two years apart. When they were little, they each got whatever they needed. As they got to be teens, we came up with a clothing budget for the year. Whatever clothes they got, they had to only spend that total for the entire year and they got the same. I mean they are both female and were both teens. THey had the same clothing budget in college. This fall will be the first time that I only have ONE kid with a clothing budget....the older kid who we are still supporting because she is a student but my younger one is now working and has to support herself. If I had a boy and a girl, maybe their clothing budgets would differ as the priority and needs are different. but two teen or two college aged girls are similar in need for clothing. Once they got off the meal plans, they got the same amount for food and for allowance at college too. But for books and supplies, there was no dollar amount and each got whatever they needed for classes. This past year, that was more for D1 than D2 because in architecture, the constant art supplies needed on a weekly basis added up to a lot, more than what D2 needed for books and music. So, what was equal there was both got what they needed to attend classes, but not an equal dollar amount. I think we have pretty much spent similar amounts on both kids over the years but don't count by dollars but by equal opportunity but it still is likely in the same ballpark dollar wise EXCEPT now one is going to grad school and one is not but if she needed or wanted to, she could have.

[RahoulVA]

Just think long term, S1's situation might not matter if he ends up making a lot more money in the long run and can pay it off. You could give more to S2 and S1 probably would feel the immediate impact, but it wouldn't be too bad. Whether you go 50-50 or 60-40 or 52-48, it's your own situation that you need to look into long term about how S1 and S2 will make different amounts of money each year to eventually pay it off.

[jyber209]

Fully agree that clothing budgets for girls and boys differ. I have one of each and D loves clothes shopping while S has to be dragged (after having been knocked unconscious ) into a clothing store. S's GF lets me know when she thinks he really needs an infusion of new clothing items. I guess the holes in the clothes get to her.

Mythmom, what you say re your kids and college debt makes sense. Both your kids worked hard, but your S "lucked out" in part because of his sex (more in demand at top LACs). It's great that your kids are so supportive of each other. I was pleased when my employed college grad D offered to help with S's college costs, but we turned her down -- as I expect she figured we would. Both my kids will have Staffords to pay off, but that is enough IMO.

Perhaps we should request that this thread be merged with the paying for wedding thread LOL, since that too can be affected by the child's sex.

[MaineLonghorn]

My sweet mom was ALWAYS worrying about keeping everything even for my sister and me. Of course, it was impossible, and just led to us all getting frustrated! So we've told our three kids we will do our best for them, but things will probably NEVER be even, and that's the way it is. They know that if they ever say, "That's not fair!!" about anything, they'll get an earful from me, too! I'm a mean mother.